Title: The One Rhonda Made Me
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Pairing: AJ/Kevin Part: 1/1 Series: "The One" Series Rating: R Disclaimer: Fiction for
entertainment purposes, not to be taken as truth. Warnings: Slash Warning. Notes: All Rhonda’s fault. All
of it. She says "jump" I say "how high?" Seriously. *muah*
~*~*~*~*~
They had taken an extended vacation. Most were unsure whether they
would ever record again, AJ included. The longer they all went without
talking, the harder it would be to all get together again. And four
years was a pretty long time if you thought about it. Especially in the
music industry. Four years could make or break a band. It could be the
thing that saved a band from extinction or the demise of an otherwise
successful career.
AJ wondered silently whether the latter would be a blessing. He still
wasn’t sure.
Things had gotten very awkward and volatile at the end. Everyone saw it
coming, but no one could do anything to stop it. Maybe it would be for
the best, that was what they were all thinking, yet no one dared to say
it out loud. The Backstreet Boys had a good nine years, maybe it was
time to move on, cut their losses. Let the past stay in the past and it
could be a distant memory. One that would most likely fade in time.
Even after AJ had gone to rehab, things hadn’t changed. They all still
partied, were out all hours of the night and did what they’d done
before. That might have been why it was so easy to fall off the wagon,
time and time again. AJ thought he’d had it under control, that he was
okay.
He’d been wrong.
Even at the time, deep down he knew that he was still as fucked up as
when he’d checked himself into rehab. What made it worse afterwards was
that he still ignored it. He pushed that inner voice out of his head
and told himself that the month in rehab automatically meant he was
better. He had admitted the problem and was moving on, done the mature
thing and sought help. The first step was admission, the others would
fall into place after that. Sitting with friends, having a few drinks
didn’t mean anything. It meant that he could do it without it being a
problem. As long as he could remember the night before, the next
morning, he was okay. He *was* moving on.
AJ hadn’t moved anywhere. If he had, it was backwards. Not forwards.
Secretly, he wasn’t sure how much longer he could lie to himself. His
lies had gotten weaker and less plausible.
Most of the final few weeks ...months ...years before the break were a
blur.
Women.
Alcohol.
Shows.
Parties.
Drugs.
Men.
Sex.
Not just for AJ, but for all of them. None could judge each other,
because no matter what they did, another had most likely done something
equally as questionable.
Hence the introduction of the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy.
Sometimes AJ had wanted to ask though, if not just to find out exactly
what had happened the night before. He’d had more than his fair share
of missing evenings. And he found himself getting more comfortable with
it as time went on. That should have scared him more than it did.
The first night he woke up naked in Kevin’s bed almost caused for him
to swear off all alcohol and drugs for the rest of his life. It was a
place he’d never anticipated finding himself, and couldn’t for the life
of him recall how it had all gone down. He wasn’t entirely sure he
wanted to know. Some things *were* better left a mystery. But it was
scary enough to almost set him straight.
Almost.
AJ still cringes when he thinks about how that whole ‘event’ was dealt
with.
Or wasn’t dealt with, as the case was.
Is.
Hence, the necessity for a break.
Four years was enough for Brian to start the family he’d always wanted
and dreamed of since he was a little boy. It gave Nick the chance to
spread his wings and do his own thing. Of course, Howie and Kevin
enjoyed the break and the simplicity of being able to live their lives
for a while without someone on their asses the whole time. They were
grown men, had been for years and finally were given the freedom to
enjoy it.
AJ laid low. He put his life into perspective. Again. But for real this
time. It took a lot of inner reflection, battling demons and soul
searching. There had been a brief lapse where he wondered if doing it
all again was the best thing for him. When he thought about it, he was
happy on the break. He didn’t have to worry about anyone but himself,
could do what he wanted when he wanted.
The main thing was that he wasn’t sure if he could afford another
relapse. Truthfully, he enjoyed his sober self and wasn’t willing to
compromise that. His health had to come before everything else, and
living on the road, in that lifestyle was anything but healthy. Two
stints in rehab was more than enough proof of that.
It took a conversation with Howie, seventeen minutes in duration to
help make up his mind.
Two days later, the Backstreet Boys were planning their comeback.
Never gone.
Just on hiatus.
They would have to see, the final test would be with the fans. If the
guys could convince THEM to have faith in the Backstreet Boys again,
the rest would be easy.
Easy.
Except AJ still had unfinished business with Kevin.
With his heart.
AJ had lied to a lot of people, a lot of the time. He had done a lot of
things he wasn’t proud of. He wished that he could have a do over for
the entire Black and Blue tour, except that he wasn’t sure half of the
things he’d actually done, to know whether or not he’d need to redo
them.
Had he been a little less drunk, a little more sober, he might have
saved them all a lot of trouble and heartache. Especially himself,
because he knows that in the end, he suffered the most damage.
Physically, emotionally and spiritually. He had no one to blame but
himself.
One unspoken truth of the Black and Blue tour was the relationship
between Kevin and AJ. It didn’t matter that Kevin was married to
Kristin. She still fucked other men. So did he. They did sleep together
when she was on tour with them or they were home on break. But that was
all they did, sleep. It wasn’t ever anything more than that. They both
knew it never would be.
No one was all too sure how it started, AJ included, but they sure as
hell knew when it had ended. In a fiery explosion of rage and anger.
Drunkenness and irrationality. Fury. No one saw it coming, least of all
Kevin.
Kevin had caught AJ on a bad day. He had gone out with someone the
night before and unbeknownst to him, AJ had gone looking for him.
The thing about their relationship at that time was that in actuality,
it wasn’t one. They were by no means exclusive. They weren’t boyfriends
or anything more than two people having sex. Unbelievably hot, sweaty,
orgasmic sex.
AJ had very clearly laid out the rules the second that he realized
waking up in Kevin’s bed was becoming an ongoing occurrence. One time
he could forgive. Two times was a little odd but still, the sex was
fabulous. But once he’d woken up in Kevin’s bed for the fourth straight
week in a row, he realized that maybe it was bound to keep happening,
whether he was aware of it or not. Rules were necessary.
Rules would ensure ease and simplicity with their sex. AJ didn’t want
either of them to be confused in what they were doing. Guidelines were
key. They fucked who they wanted, when they wanted. By no means were
they expected to justify anything to anyone, nor were their actions to
be judged. Sex was what it was, sex. Nothing more, nothing less. And
they were to make no demands on the other person. Easy. Cut and dry. It
was the perfect plan.
AJ flaunted his other sexual conquests in front of Kevin. He was just
reminding him that other men and women were interested, that Kevin
wasn’t the only thing going on in AJ’s life. As if Kevin needed to be
reminded of that fact.
That night, the final night of their ‘non-relationship’, AJ had gone
down to Kevin’s room, feeling listless and edgy. All he’d wanted was to
be in Kevin’s presence, which was the main driving force which was
making him uncomfortable. They could watch TV, talk or heaven forbid
just lay together in silence, as long as they were together. Sex wasn’t
even first on his mind, something that AJ hadn’t anticipated. It wasn’t
supposed to be like that. Kevin was supposed to be sex. No strings
attatched, especially emotional strings. AJ had wanted to get to the
bottom of whatever it was he was feeling. He had knocked twice on
Kevin’s door before Nick came down the hall.
"He’s out."
"What?" AJ could feel the anger rising. Kevin was supposed to be there.
Waiting. For him. AJ needed him and he was out? With someone else? That
wasn’t part of the plan.
Nick shrugged and gave AJ a smirk that he couldn’t quite read. It only
further fueled AJ’s temper.
"With who?"
"Not sure, some dude."
And that had been the end of whatever semblance of a ‘relationship’ he
and Kevin had. The next day when they were face to face AJ yelled,
screamed, threw things and accused Kevin of being a lying, cheating,
dirty whore.
AJ hadn’t heard Brian ask Howie in the corner of the room, how Kevin
could cheat in a nonexistent relationship. He also hadn’t heard Howie
ask Brian about the girl and guy AJ had taken back to his room only two
days earlier. If that meant AJ was cheating too, on their nonexistent
relationship of course.
Kevin had though. Kevin heard it all and wondered the same thing.
He kept quiet. As much as losing AJ hurt, being with him was starting
to hurt more.
So they had broken up, all because Kevin had gone to dinner with a
friend. Their relationship ruined all because of a harmless, platonic
dinner. Except there hadn’t been a relationship to ruin. Officially
anyways. Everyone knew better.
Things hadn’t been the same after that. AJ had gone to rehab almost
immediately afterwards. That had been a turning point in their lives.
When he got out, the five of them had talked, long and hard, but in the
end, the wounds were still too fresh. Nothing had changed. Nothing ever
changed.
AJ knew what he’d been ignoring for so long. He was in love with Kevin.
And now it was too late. He almost waited for everyone to give him a
collective ‘I told you so’, or at least a ‘duh’. It seemed that the
only one who hadn’t known was him. And Kevin, but AJ didn’t blame Kevin
for not knowing, he would have done whatever he had to to ensure Kevin
hadn’t known how he *really* felt.
During the hiatus, AJ had kept up with Kevin’s whereabouts. He thought
his feelings would diminish, instead, they grew. Bloomed. Escalated to
something he’d never known before. They intensified, which only hurt
more knowing that he *could* have had Kevin, all he’d ever had to do
was ask. And AJ McLean never asked for anything. Especially in matters
of the heart.
They agreed to meet at Howie’s place in LA. AJ had obsessed over it for
nearly a week. He had to find the right outfit, the right persona, the
right ‘him’. Up until that point, he’d only spoken to Kevin on the
phone. Face to face was a whole other ball game, one he wasn’t entirely
sure he was ready for.
The night went better than anyone could have anticipated. The time away
from each other had worked in their favour and they were excited to
work together again. A Backstreet reunion was finally a reality and by
the end of the three hour get together, they were well on their way
towards getting back on track. The time was right, their frame of minds
were right, they just hoped that the fans were still with them,
sticking through the bull shit it took to get there.
How AJ found himself at Kevin’s house, he wasn’t sure. But he climbed
out of the car, Kevin didn’t seem quite as surprised as he should have
been. In fact, AJ had to admit, Kevin looked pleased.
Hungry.
Beautiful.
Slowly, AJ walked up the drive way and followed Kevin into the house.
They barely made it to the living room before they came together,
mouths fused in a steamy, erotic kiss. AJ's mind immediately reverted
back to a series of moments, years prior, and he shuddered. Kevin still
affected him. He couldn’t help but smile into Kevin’s mouth,
relinquishing himself to the older man.
"You still taste so good," Kevin admitted. It appeared that AJ still
affected him too, information that worked to settle AJ’s nerves
considerably. There were still too many unresolved issues, too many
questions. They both knew that the smart thing, the safe thing, for
everyone involved, would be to stop kissing. IMMEDIATELY. To stop
everything they both knew what was happening and fix the past before
moving blindly into the future.
Neither were practiced in doing the smart or the safe thing.
Especially where the other was concerned.
Old habits were hard to break and the second they realized that this
was possible, that this was even remotely a possibility, all
rationality was thrown out the window. Right after caution. They would
deal with the aftermath, later, right now this was what they wanted.
Needed. Craved.
That was why when Kevin tugged on AJ’s long sleeved shirt, he lifted
his arms willingly. Within minutes, their clothing were all in a pile
on the floor and AJ was on his back, spread out for Kevin. He wasn’t
even sure when they made it from the living room to Kevin’s bedroom.
All that mattered was the way Kevin was feasting hungrily on his mouth,
as if it was their first time. Or last time. Or only time.
With the blink of an eye, AJ was once again transported back. Back to a
time which comprised mostly blurred accounts of a life he’d lived.
Kevin, this, was not blurred. He was crystal clear in AJ’s mind and his
pulse sped up. His heart rate accelerated. His whimpered moan echoed
off of the walls.
"What?" Kevin asked. He looked down at the smaller man below him and
fought to keep the words he longed to say to himself. It would have
been so easy to tell AJ how he felt, both now and before. But he knew
that the younger man didn’t want to hear it. He never had That fact
continued to break Kevin’s heart.
"It’s just ..." AJ hissed as Kevin sled the length of his erection into
his body. It was a familiar pain, one that he hadn’t felt in far too
long. "So fucking good..." AJ couldn’t admit to Kevin how much this
meant to him. He’d lost his chance at happiness years ago, and now
would have to settle with what he could get. That thought depressed him.
Kevin responded with a grunt. He felt AJ’s legs tighten around his neck
and leaned down to press their mouths together in a hard, demanding
kiss. Their love making was hot, frantic, determined. Kevin had set a
fast pace and as their bodies worked together furiously, their eyes
were locked the entire time. It was as if their souls were connected
through the union between their bodies. The atmosphere around them was
electric and with the heavy emotional ties between them, neither were
able to form coherent thoughts.
AJ came with a sharp cry and explosive climax. Kevin couldn’t help but
follow. He wanted to be there with his lover, experiencing the pleasure
in tandem.
As soon as he could regain his breathing, AJ got up. It was a mistake,
*this* was a mistake. They were only going to follow the same path of
fire and destruction that they always seemed to take. He couldn’t do
that to himself again, let alone Kevin and once the adrenaline was
gone, once his brain was functioning properly again he knew what he had
to do. He had to leave. It was best for both of them. In the long run,
it would save them the pain and heartache he put them through before.
"Nothing’s changed." Kevin pressed his face into his pillow. His
attempt at a casual observation failed. His voice cracked while his
heart shattered. AJ had already gotten out of bed and was looking for
his clothes. The sweat on Kevin’s skin hadn’t even dried yet.
"Did you think that it had?"
Kevin had hoped, but he’d be damned if he was going to admit that to
AJ. Instead, he shook his head. "I know you better than that."
AJ winced, glad that Kevin didn’t see it. That hurt. More than it
probably should have, considering it’s validity. His whole plan of
action had been thrown off course, all because he couldn’t keep his
cock in his pants. He had expected to feel an indescribable pull
towards Kevin, it had always been there. What he’d hoped was that he
could control it this time. Not let it control him.
Even before. Everything.
It had been there even before AJ conciously knew. When they had first
met, the second their eyes locked he knew that Kevin could look into
his eyes and see his soul.
But it wasn’t supposed to be about this. It was supposed to be about
the group. Friendship. Change. Brotherhood. It was supposed to be
different this time, smarter, safer, controlled. But he’d made it about
this. And now he couldn’t deny that he wanted more.
AJ wanted everything.
But he knew Kevin better than anyone. And Kevin had shut himself off.
AJ had no other option than to leave, which was the worst thing he
could possibly do in that situation. If he left, they wouldn’t talk. It
would only widen the gap between them. They would pretend this hadn’t
happened, but there would still be tension.
More tension, if that were humanly possible.
"I guess I’ll go then." AJ slipped into his underwear. He should
shower, but suddenly he felt the need to get out of Kevin’s house. The
last thing he needed was to cry with Kevin in earshot. He would wait
until he got home for that. Or at least in his car.
"If that’s what you want." Kevin’s voice was flat. Emotionless. It made
AJ feel empty, because it wasn’t what he wanted, but didn’t know how to
tell Kevin that. He didn’t know how to make the next move, the move to
rectify things between them, so he was forced to go along with a dance
that he’d long since perfected.
AJ grunted. He was fully dressed, just trying to regulate his breathing
enough to say good bye.
"I mean ..." Kevin continued, voice now biting. "Since you got what you
came for and all."
This time Kevin saw AJ flinch. Neither spoke.
AJ turned around and walked out of Kevin’s house without looking back.
That he knew how to do. And well.
~*~*~*~
Both men had expected that night to be a one time experience. They had
been wrong. It seemed that the nervous tension between them, the
resentment and desire were very powerful aphrodisiacs. The harder they
fought, the harder they fucked. Not to mention more often.
Sometimes, Kevin would show up on AJ’s doorstep. Sometimes AJ would
show up on Kevin’s. But no matter who came to whom, the routine was
still the same. The ring of the doorbell. No words spoken between them.
One would lead the other to ...wherever. The couch. The bed. Even the
kitchen table. They would tear off each others clothes and attack. Not
stopping until they were sexually sated.
Never did they try to talk about what they were doing, and never did
they stay longer than necessary. It was understood that as soon as the
condom was off, the clothes were back on and they were out the door
faster than it took to say the three words that were lingering between
them.
If the others knew what was going on, they wisely kept their opinions
to themselves. Neither Kevin nor AJ needed to be told that they were on
a path leading towards disaster. It was expected they knew.
Their self destructive relationship continued throughout recording and
production of the new CD. It continued through the discussion of a
possible club tour.
No one had expected to last as long as it had, especially AJ or Kevin.
What they failed to realize was that the harder they tried to keep it
casual, the harder it was to actually do so. It slowly began to change
them. AJ stopped seeing other people. He left his nights free in case
Kevin was planning to pay him a visit. Or in case he would decide to go
to Kevin’s. And no one dared mention the fact that Kevin had stopped
fucking his usual boys on the side.
Again, it ended as abruptly as it had started.
Again, it had been at AJ’s hand.
It had been a particularly bad day off for AJ. An unshakable and almost
overwhelming feeling of disaster was hovering over him and he couldn’t
breathe. Everything seemed stifling and confining. AJ found himself on
Kevin’s doorstep, hand posed over the door bell. He couldn’t bring
himself to ring it, unsure of what would happen when he was allowed
inside. Kevin knew he was there, he had to let him through the locked
gate. When twenty minutes passed with AJ on the step, Kevin opened the
door. There was confusion written on his face.
"I just ...didn’t know where else to go." AJ’s words shocked both of
them. They’d never made excuses for showing up. They’d never felt the
need to. What shocked them more was when Kevin reached out and hugged
AJ to his body. His embrace was warm and loving, not at all sexual.
"There was no one else I wanted to see."
Everything shifted. Both men were aware of it, neither made mention.
They clung to each other, AJ’s face pressed tightly into the fabric of
Kevin’s tee shirt, Kevin’s lips pressed to the top of AJ’s head. It was
the epitome of everything they’d fought against but both secretly
wanted. AJ felt his insides liquefy.
Silently, they wondered how it had taken them so long to get to this
point. Or how they could have convinced themselves that it was anything
less than what it was.
Love.
It didn’t frighten AJ as much as he had expected it to. Mostly, it
confused him. And just a little surprised him, because Kevin was gently
stroking his back, whispering over and over that it was going to be
okay. Never once had Kevin promised him that in regards to their
relationship and it was just as comforting as it was unsettling.
It was like he knew exactly what was bothering AJ. Like he knew it was
what AJ needed to hear. Once the initial feeling of anxiety passed and
AJ could breathe again, he pulled away. He looked deep into Kevin’s
eyes, as if searching for truths. Truths that until now, they’d been
too stubborn to admit.
So much time had been wasted, so much heartache endured. Kevin couldn’t
help but wonder if it was over, or this would just be an intermission
from their usual dramatics. As much as he tried not to get his hopes
up, it was too late. Images of long, lazy days in bed with AJ filled
his mind. He could feel the hard planes of AJ’s lithe, nude body
pressed against his, the sound of their breathing synchronized echoed
in his ears.
It was all too much. Just as he was about to pull away, create some
distance between them, he stopped. The feel of AJ's mouth on his roused
him from his thoughts. The kiss was soft. Tender. Beautiful. Everything
their recent kisses had been lacking. Kevin felt it to the depths of
his soul and felt himself fall deeper in love with AJ.
"Can we just ..." AJ asked, breaking the kiss. "Not..."
"Not what?" Kevin asked. His heart rate accelerated and his stomach
churned.
"Do what we do? Can we just NOT do that. For tonight at least." AJ
pulled away and nervously ran his fingers through his hair. "We always
manage to fuck this up, whatever it is. And I don’t want to do that.
I’m fucking tired of it."
Kevin blinked a few times. He had no idea what AJ was *really* asking
for.
"I tell you what I think you want to hear. I react how I think you
expect me to react. And I hate it. I hate not spending the night with
you. I hate sleeping alone when all I want is to be curled up in your
bed with you, feeling you protecting me. Or me protecting you. I hate
feeling like a whore and I hate that I’m afraid to tell you how I
fucking feel." AJ took a deep breath. "How I’ve always felt."
Kevin gasped and covered his mouth in shock. Never had he expected AJ
to return his feelings, especially when he’d always claimed the
opposite. He couldn’t begin to respond.
"I’m sorry I’m a coward. I’m sorry I demanded more than I gave. I’m
sorry for so many things Kevin. You didn’t cheat. You couldn’t, because
we weren’t together. I created those rules and then damned you for
them. I knew it then and I still know it now. It’s just ...I’m finally
able to admit that I was an asshole. A selfish asshole and ....I hate
that person. I hate who I was, who I’m still trying to be because it’s
not me. It never was."
"I..." Kevin didn’t know what to say. He had been rendered speechless.
"Wow."
They separated, standing awkwardly in silence. AJ fidgeted with the hem
of his tee shirt, Kevin stroked his goatee.
Finally, Kevin spoke.
"Are you hungry at all? I could put something on the barbeque? Steak?"
AJ patted his stomach, he could eat. "Yeah. Sounds good."
They walked into the kitchen, each working in silence. While Kevin
prepared the barbeque on the back patio, through the large double
doors, AJ stood at the island, tossing together lettuce, tomato and
cucumber for a salad. He wrapped a few potatoes in tin foil to bake and
silently brought them out to Kevin on the deck. They communicated with
their eyes, never needing words.
Kevin checked the meat, nearly done. He’d forgotten a plate. Rather
than call in for AJ to bring it out, he went outside himself. AJ was
setting the table. As he passed, Kevin paused and softly kissed AJ’s
jaw. They both stopped for a moment, mouths meeting in a tender kiss.
AJ parted his lips in invitation allowing Kevin to slip his tongue in
briefly.
The kiss ended and they both smiled. Wordlessly, Kevin went back to the
barbeque to rescue their dinner. When he looked up, AJ was at the door.
"I love you, you realize that right? That I want this? You?"
Kevin held his breath and waited for his stomach to settle down. He
processed AJ’s words and let them roll around in his head. Finally, he
nodded.
"Yeah. Me too."
"As long as we’re clear on what we’re doing here."