< Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Kevin closed his eyes and willed his head to stop spinning. He had just over two weeks left before he had to leave for UCLA and so many things were going on that he couldn’t think properly. He’d gotten a letter from an upper year at the college, welcoming him to residence, sending him the proper informational leaflets, a few reminders of Frosh Week events as well as a list of important things to remember when packing for residence. The letter had been unexpected and welcome, easing Kevin’s conscience of what to expect when he got there. That one piece of mail eased his fears of being a nameless, faceless student among thousands, and the guy had even included a phone number and e-mail address if Kevin had any further questions. Kevin hadn’t, but he was relieved to know that if any arose, he had someone to talk to. Someone who had been through it all and was there to help ease his transition from high school to college.

Most of his shopping had been done and all that was left were the last minute items, as well as packing them all up. That he would do in his last few days, right now all he wanted to focus on was the summer, his friends and enjoying the last bit of freedom he had before being thrust into the new world of post secondary school education. Kevin’s main focus was Nick. He wanted to enjoy everything he could with respects to Nick. It was uncertain where and what the new year would bring them all, and as hard as Kevin was going to try to ensure Nick knew how much he loved him, it would take only time to tell how everything would play out. Nick hadn’t seemed at all worried by Kevin’s impending date to leave Middletown. It wasn’t a topic that Nick would voluntarily discuss, but when they did talk about it, Nick hadn’t seemed at all fazed by the fact that Kevin would be moving hundreds of miles away, starting a whole new life. Without Nick.

Kevin wasn’t sure if that meant Nick just didn’t care or if he cared too much. It wasn’t something he pushed the blonde to discuss, mainly because if it was the former, Kevin wasn’t sure how he would be able to handle that. He prayed that Nick would miss him as much as he knew he’d miss Nick, and that Nick wouldn’t realize that living without Kevin was possible. Not just possible, but enjoyable. For that reason, Kevin hadn’t been too eager to force the conversation he knew they’d be forced to have before he left.

"Do ..." Nick tried to figure out exactly how to ask what he wanted to know, without conveying to Kevin how much it was killing him inside. He knew he had to be strong for the older teen, and so, he paused to take a breath. "Are you ..."

"Yes?" Kevin softly pressed his lips to Nick’s, hoping that would calm the blonde down. It was clear that Nick was slightly agitated and Kevin hated to see him in any kind of discomfort.

"I love you." Was what Nick said. Kevin grinned.

"I love you too."

"You’re not going to dump me for some girl are you?"

That was the last possible thing Kevin expected Nick to say and he couldn’t help but start to laugh at the desperate look on Nick’s face. He tried to stifle the giggles when Nick glared at him.

"I’m serious. I mean, I’d rather you leave me for a girl than a guy, but I don’t want you to leave me at all."

"Why would I dump you?"

Nick shrugged. "I’m fifteen. I’m still in high school. I don’t give you sex."

Kevin loved how Nick’s cheeks were pink from embarrassment and his nose scrunched up. He leaned down to softly kiss the tip of Nick’s nose before nuzzling his cheek. "And?"

"And people in college have sex all the time. No parents around. Drinking. Tons of naked parties and sex parties. You’re going to go to UCLA and meet tons of girls who will fall in love with you and want to give you sex." Nick paused for a moment. "Am I a phase?" There were so many questions in his mind that were screaming to be answered that he was jumping from issue to issue without warning.

"A what?" Kevin couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Nick’s face was serious, so he knew that the blonde wasn’t joking, but it still felt as though Kevin was in a strange dream.

"A phase. Are you experimenting with me?"

"No," Kevin thread their fingers together. "You are not a phase. You are not an experiment."

"But you went out with Gretchen for forever. You guys had sex all the time..."

"It wasn’t all the time Nick, you know it was just a few times ..."

"I know, but still. Sex. With a girl."

"I’m bisexual. I like girls and guys. I love you."

"Will you still love me when you’re hundreds of miles away with tons of horny girls and guys knocking down your door to have sex with you?"

Kevin chuckled and kissed Nick’s lips. "Sometimes you and Justin amaze me."

Nick’s face scrunched up into a mask of confusion. He wasn’t sure where exactly Justin played into this conversation or why exactly Kevin was thinking about his best friend at a time like this.

"You watch movies and think that real life is like that. It’s not one big sex party. That’s not just what happens at college."

"No?"

Kevin couldn’t tell if Nick was joking or not. Judging by the earnest expression in Nick’s eyes, he figured not. "No. I mean, people do have sex there, possibly all the time. But it’s not one big orgy." Kevin smoothed back Nick’s hair and gazed longingly into his crystal blue eyes. "Baby, have you been worried about this all summer?"

Nick blushed and gave a half shrug. "Not all summer. I just .... I’m afraid that you're going to go off to college in a few weeks and forget about me. You’ll have your whole new life, with new friends and a new school and why would you remember about some stupid kid back home?"

"First off, you’re not some stupid kid, secondly, I love you."

"Right now you do, what if you meet someone sexier and hotter than me?"

"I’m not just with you because you’re sexy and hot, I’m with you because you make me feel so good about myself. And you’re funny. And sweet and nice and giving. You’re a great friend, and an amazing boyfriend Nick. Just because someone is hot, doesn’t mean I’m going to fall in love with them because of that."

Nick nodded and moved deeper into Kevin’s embrace.

"And besides, who says that you’re not going to have this fabulously exciting year at Lincoln. Who knows who you’ll meet or what you’ll do."

"What do you mean?" Nick asked. He wondered if maybe Christina was right, that Kevin was as worried about him being forgotten as Nick was. Nick couldn’t even imagine someone coming in and making him forget about Kevin. He’d waited for the older teen for so long, was in love with him for just as long, that it was going to take nothing short of a miracle to make him forget what it was like to be with Kevin Richardson.

"While you’ve been worried about me going away and forgetting you, I’ve been worried about me going away and you forgetting me." Nick shook his head and gasped but Kevin continued. I’m serious Nick. Who knows what will happen. Right now you feel this way about me, but you could meet someone else. Or you could realize that you don’t want a boyfriend who is at college, but someone that can be with you every day when I can’t. I am so afraid of losing you to someone else. Someone younger who understands you more, who doesn’t have as many family problems as I do. Who isn’t as screwed up as I am. And especially who hasn’t hurt you half as much as I have."

Nick sat up straight and turned around so that he was facing Kevin. He cupped the older teen’s face in his hands and kissed his lips gingerly. "Oh Kevin. You haven’t hurt me..."

Kevin’s laugh cut Nick off. "I haven’t? What was Lance’s party? When you tell me the one thing I want to hear, that I’m desperately wishing for and I push you away. I told you you were a mistake. That I couldn’t do it. I know how much it hurt you."

Nick’s chest began to throb as Nick’s mind took him back to the parking lot of the Shake Shack. But almost immediately the memory was replaced of him and Kevin sitting together at the bowling alley during the Anti-Prom talking and holding hands. That memory was replaced by one of the two of them, later that night, dancing on Christina’s patio, wrapped up in each others’ arms, protecting themselves from everything and anything. It was true, Kevin had really hurt him, but he’d also been the one to ease the pain and put Nick back together again.

"But you were hurt too. That makes a difference. If you hurt me and didn’t care, that’s one thing, but you were hurting as much as I was."

"You could still find someone else Nicky, someone who won’t break your heart like I did."

"Who?" Nick was stunned, he’d had no idea just how worried Kevin had been. Probably like Kevin hadn’t had an idea of how worried he was. It was good they were having this conversation now, so they could spend the rest of their remaining two weeks enjoying themselves and not dreading Kevin’s departure.

"Anyone. Justin. Lance. Even one of the girls. Anything could happen Nick."

"First off, Justin? No. He’s my best friend, that’s it. I don’t want him like that. Lance? Have you seen him with AJ? Never gonna happen, plus, he’s sorta not my type. Girls?" Nick’s full body shudder was answer enough. "There is no one that will ever make me forget..."

"You don’t know that."

"Why worry about it? Maybe you’re right, maybe the boy of my dreams, the one I didn’t even realize I wanted will come to Lincoln High this year and I’ll hear angels singing and all that other stuff people claim to hear when they’ve met their one. Maybe I will, but maybe I won’t. Maybe I won’t because I’ve already found him. I’m looking at you right now and not only do I hear fireworks, but I see bright colourful lights exploding in front of my eyes. How many times have you had fireworks when you’ve been with someone who you know you love?" Nick grinned at how cheesy he was being. The grin on Kevin’s face was worth the possible embarrassment he would have felt under any other circumstances.

"If you weren’t so adorable right now, I’d smack you for being so cliché." Kevin laughed as he pressed a kiss to Nick’s lips. They both moaned and Nick deepened the kiss, trying to convey his love for Kevin with that one simple act. It lasted for a few minutes before Nick pulled away and held Kevin’s face in his hands.

"I’m serious though Kevin. I don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow, let alone when school starts. But I can tell you that it is going to take one hell of a special person to come even remotely close to what you mean to me."

"If that’s true for you," Kevin rationalized, "why can’t it be true for me?"

Nick shook his head. "It can be true for you, I know this. But I can see you finding someone else more clearly than me finding someone else."

"So where do we go now?" Kevin asked, resting his forehead against Nick’s. They were staring deep into each other’s eyes, barely aware that the fireworks had ended and people were gathering their belongings and heading towards their respective cars.

Justin looked over to find that Kevin and Nick were still engaged in their conversation. With relief, he noticed that the rest of their gang didn’t seem to be in any rush to leave, and continued with what they were doing, not interrupting the two teens. "Are they okay?" Lance asked, startling Justin from his thoughts.

"Yeah. Just ..."

"They’re both bummed that Kevin’s leaving," AJ answered. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to know why both Nick and Kevin had been ranging from ecstatic to depressed the past few weeks. He held Lance closer, thankful that he didn’t have to deal with leaving Lance any time soon. He couldn’t even imagine what it was going to be like for Kevin or Nick in September when school started. Justin simply shrugged and AJ flashed him a smile. "You don’t have to tell us, it’s totally obvious that’s what’s going on."

"He doesn’t want people to think he’s a baby," Justin explained softly. "He’s trying to be strong and mature for Kevin."

"It’s understandable," Lance said. He knew how much Nick idolized Kevin. No one had been happier than Lance on convocation day when Kevin had finally admitted to Nick how he felt about him. It was something that the blonde had been waiting for all year, something he wasn’t entirely sure that he would ever happen, and so when they had officially gotten together, Nick had glowed far brighter than his usual shine. Lance was glad that his best friend was so happy, and hated that because of their age difference, the two would have to be separated in September. "It would be so hard being away from AJ for months on end, unsure of where things would stand when he got back ...not being able to touch, or hold or kiss him whenever I wanted."

"Not to mention knowing that Kevin is the type of person who you know will be one of the most popular people in his class. He’ll be on the football team, which right there is the ticket to chicks being all over you," AJ agreed. "Nick is probably worried about Kevin finding someone else."

Justin frowned as he shrugged. "Yeah, well I think we should just give them some time to talk about it. None of us have to be home any time soon, and it’s a nice night, we should just hang out a little longer.

Lance moved closer to AJ and curled up beside him. "No complaints here."

Nick bit his lip thoughtfully as he processed Kevin’s question and the possible answers. "Well, there are many different ways we can approach this. We could technically take a break," Nick’s heart broke just as he heard the strangled gasp escape Kevin’s lips. He quickly finished his sentence before Kevin could respond. "BUT, that’s not an option. That will never be an option, not if I have anything to say about it."

"Me either," Kevin grumbled. Just the thought of taking a break, of losing Nick so soon after claiming him as his own made him feel sick to his stomach.

"So that is the last possible resort." Nick stated firmly.

"Next option."

"Well, I think we should always be honest with each other. The second that someone seriously has thoughts about someone other than their girlfriend or boyfriend ....if they’re honestly thinking about cheating, that’s just as bad as if they do it. I don’t want to be a burden to you." Kevin started to protest and Nick shook his head. "No, please hear me out."

"But ..."

"Please."

Kevin could see the pleading in Nick’s eyes, the desperation in his tone and for that, for Nick, he remained silent.

"I don't want to be a burden to you. If the thought ever crosses your mind where you’re thinking ‘oh damn, it’s too bad I’ve got Nick at home ....’, or even ‘if I wasn’t with Nick, I could totally nail him or her’, then you might as well just do it, because I’m just holding you back, and I don't want to do that."

"But..."

"But what? If you’re thinking about being with someone else, then you can’t possibly love me as much as I love you. The same could be said about me though, if there’s anyone I want to be with and I’m seeing this relationship as a hindrance to my life, it’s time to get out. I don’t want us to make each other miserable, and I don't want to ever hold you back. But mostly, I don’t want to hurt you. It will kill me for you to break up with me, but I’d rather that than the alternative, we’ll be more hurt if we prolong it. So we just need to be honest with each other. Don’t stay with me when you don’t want to, just because you think it’s what I want. Or don’t do it to make me happy, it will only hurt us in the end."

Nick’s reasoning made sense, but just talking about it, hearing Nick say it out in plain English was hurting his heart much more than Kevin would have expected. He never wanted Nick to lie to him and pretend that he was the only one in his heart when really he wasn’t, and it wasn’t fair for him to do that to Nick either.

"You’re right."

"About?" Nick held his breath.

"If it gets to a point where we want to be with other people, we have to be honest about it." Kevin leaned in and rubbed his nose against Nick’s. "But please, don’t fall in love with someone else. Ever. Just thinking about it, hearing you say it is killing me inside. I don’t know what I’d do if it really happened."

"I don’t plan on it," Nick said confidently. They stared into each other’s eyes for a few moments until Nick finally breathed a sigh of relief. He collapsed against Kevin’s chest, holding onto him tightly. "I was so afraid."

"Of what?" Kevin kissed Nick’s temple. He was glad that they got their fears out in the open, and although they hadn’t dealt with everything, at least they both knew that the other was having second thoughts and concerns about the upcoming separation.

"Of you wanting to dump me before you went to school. Joey was saying how Kelly wanted to be free before going away to school, so she wasn’t tied to anyone or anything back home. She could be who she wanted to be without worrying about who she was betraying. And I know he said he’s cool with it, and he’s happy with Mandy right now, but it hurt him. Hurt him that they were together for so long and she broke up with him just so she could have sex with other boys."

"You don’t know why she broke up with him," Kevin reasoned. It sounded weak even to his own ears. Countless friends of his who had graduated the year before had done that exact thing, broken up with their girlfriends who were either staying at home or going to other colleges just so they would be free to play the field without regret at school. Although he’d thought it was cruel, what Kevin thought was worse were the ones who didn’t break up with their girlfriends and still went away to play the field. If Kevin was sure of one thing, sex seemed to cause a lot more problems than it solved, at least at this point in his life.

Nick shook his head confidently. "That’s why she broke up with him. She told him she loved him, they went out for so long and he thought they were happy. He was happy with her and was even proud of her getting into her top school. He was happy she was going off to do what she’d always wanted to do and although it was killing him to know that she’d be leaving him, he thought they’d be able to manage a long distance relationship. And then the first chance she got, she got rid of him to start her life. She felt that he was holding her back, I don’t want to ever hold you back."

Kevin grinned as he kissed Nick deeply. He allowed for his tongue to slip effortlessly into Nick’s mouth, licking his teeth with a gentle precision. Kevin’s fingers tangled in Nick’s shaggy blonde hair as he angled their mouths to deepen the kiss. Nick was mewling, nearly whimpering and Kevin had a fleeting wish that he could crawl right into Nick’s body and be one with him. He didn’t want to have to be apart from the younger teen ever, and if he couldn’t crawl into his skin and live there, he wanted to take Nick with him to LA. Neither option was possible so Kevin would have to settle for staying right where he was, in Nick’s arms. "I love that sound you make," Kevin whispered out loud. He’d meant to say it in his head, but it was out before he could stop it.

"What sound?"

Kevin kissed Nick hard again, chuckling when Nick made the same sound. "That sound. That kitteny sound. You’re meowing, but purring at the same time. And you whimper so sexy. I love it, especially when I know it’s because of my kisses."

"Are you upset I don’t give you sex?" Nick asked shyly. It wasn’t a secret how much Kevin liked kissing and making out with him, and eventually he would want to take it to the next level, but Nick wasn’t anywhere ready to take that step.

"Of course not." Kevin pulled Nick close and buried his face in the blonde’s throat. "I don’t love you for the sex."

"Good, because I’m not ready. I ..." Nick frowned, trembling slightly. "I don’t know when I will be ready."

Kevin sighed in relief and stroked his hands up and down Nick’s back. The truth of the matter was, that he wasn’t ready for sex with Nick either and he knew that when they finally did go that next step, Nick was going to look up to him to be in charge. It was one stress that Kevin knew he wasn’t ready for. One night, they’d sat up on the phone and talked about everything they couldn’t talk about face to face. At least if Nick didn’t have to stare into Kevin’s beautiful eyes, or get distracted by his mouth or tongue, he could ask the questions he was dying for answers to. The same could be said for Kevin. The phone was much easier to talk about embarrassing situations because he couldn’t see how pink Nick’s cheeks would get, the way he would scrunch up his nose in the cutest possible way, as well as how he would nervously twirl his hair on his fingers or bite his lower lip so seductively. Kevin would have surely gotten distracted and they would have ended up making out rather than
 having the conversation they both so desperately needed to have.



Kevin knew that except for Nick’s brief, chaste New Year’s kiss with Justin last year, he was Nick’s first everything. First kiss, first boyfriend and first love. That made him feel honoured and humbled, and Kevin immediately realized the gift he’d been handed. It would be so easy to abuse that power, to take total control over Nick and mold him into whatever he wanted the blonde to do and be. At the same time, it scared him that he had so much influence over Nick and never in his life would he ever use it to manipulate his blonde angel.

When they started talking about sex, Nick had a lot of insecurities. Kevin tried to calm his nerves as best he could, being honest and forthright with his own sexual past. Gretchen was the only girl he’d really ever dated. Their parents had set them up as friends in grade school, and then when they’d gone to Lincoln High, they’d started dating. At first it was sweet and innocent, not going more than chaperoned dates and holding hands. But the older they got, the more their hormones started to take over and they’d begun to venture further, sexually speaking. Kevin was not a virgin, at least not with girls. The first time he and Gretchen had made love ...had sex ...been sexually intimate, had been after a party Brian had held. It had been in their junior year and the last night of the regular football season. Of course, everyone had assumed that they’d been having sex for ages, something that neither he nor Gretchen felt the need to correct. They didn’t care what other people thought
 about them, the main thing was that they were comfortable with each other, and that was all that mattered. Time after time, they had engaged in conversation about their first time and how they wanted to wait until the time was right. They didn’t want to be having sex just because everyone else was doing it.


Both admitted afterwards, that night had taken them by surprise and hadn’t expected things to turn out the way they had. Neither regretted it and even now, Kevin still felt warm tingles in his stomach when he thought about how glad he was that he’d waited until they were ready. Kevin had been feeling particularly stressed out because of his parents and the game at hand and Brian’s party was the last place he’d wanted to be. Chris hadn’t joined them, which Kevin had been particularly disappointed in, since they usually spent the most time together at parties when Kevin wasn’t busy with Gretchen. Joey was off with Kelly, upstairs in one of the rooms most likely, and Brian was outside with Rachael and her friends. The party was loud and rowdy, everyone thrilled that they’d squeaked out a slim win against their biggest rivals. As great as it felt to win, Kevin had too much on his mind to appropriately enjoy the party and wanted to be anywhere than in the middle of pure chaos. Gretchen’s
 parents were out of town and she suggested they go to her house to soak in their hot tub. Once they got there, one thing lead to another and before he knew it, they were in her room and he was asking her if she was ready. She was. It was as he looked into her eyes that he realized he was ready too. They were really going to do this.


Gretchen had cried, Kevin had not. But he’d wanted to. He’d never felt anything like it before, and when it was over, he’d wondered if it had helped any. As Gretchen slept, curled up in his arms he knew it had. He had someone, at least at that time, who loved him unconditionally and didn’t expect too much from him. He had wanted to stay locked in that moment forever. Unfortunately, it was not possible.

The next few times they had sex hadn’t been as emotional for him, not like it had been that first time. They were more comfortable with their bodies and there was no pressure to finally just do it already. They could focus on something other than thoughts that it was their first time and were they even doing it right. The total amount of times that he and Gretchen had done it was not as high and he knew everyone expected. Once they had gotten the first time out of the way, Kevin had automatically assumed it was expected that they would do it every single time they were alone and had enough time. It wasn’t like that. They were both busy, both preoccupied with so many things, and quite honestly, Kevin hadn’t known what all the big fuss was about. It was sex, and yeah, it was kind of cool, but not exactly what everyone had made it out to seem. Maybe it was because very soon after, things began to turn sour for them. Gretchen was moving in one direction, Kevin in another. Nothing was as
 it had been and although they were drifting apart, their parents’ merger was still forcing them together.

Looking at Nick, he started to think maybe he knew what the big deal with sex was. He hadn’t gone half as far with Nick as he had with Gretchen, but at the same time, he felt something with the blonde that his ex-girlfriend couldn’t ever give to him. Love. Admiration. Devotion. It wasn’t about sex with Nick, not that he wouldn’t mind, eventually, but he wasn’t ready to take that step just yet. If anything, he learned that sex with Gretchen hadn’t fixed anything, and it surely hadn’t helped. After a while, Kevin knew they were doing it to just do it, and it was then that he stopped. He would tell her he wasn’t in the mood, or just too tired or stressed out. She stopped caring and at some point, so did he. They put on the big show for people when they went out, Kevin never really minded making out with Gretchen. She was beautiful, sexy and one hell of a kisser. He had to admit that she gave phenomenal hand jobs as well. But still, something had always been missing.

Kevin now knew what that was.

Nick.

"Can I tell you something?" Kevin asked softly. He was aware of everyone still technically in earshot of their conversation, but didn’t care. The only one that mattered right now was Nick.

"You can tell me anything." Nick rest his forehead on Kevin’s shoulder, completely at ease in Kevin’s embrace. He shivered when Kevin’s lips grazed his ear and hot breath ghosted on his neck.

"I’m not ready either."

Nick stiffened in Kevin’s arms and he tightened his grip on Kevin’s shirt. Kevin couldn’t surely be telling him that he was nervous or scared about having sex with him. Kevin was mature, and older and so experienced where sex was concerned. It didn’t matter that Kevin claimed he and Gretchen hadn’t had sex nearly as many times as Nick probably thought they did, the fact of the matter was that they had done it. More than once. But still, as they sat together, clutching one another, Kevin was confessing that he wasn’t ready. Suddenly, a thought occurred to Nick that it wasn’t that he wasn’t ready for sex, he just wasn’t ready for sex with Nick. Meaning there was something wrong with him.

"Is it me?"

"Is what you?"

Nick pulled back and looked into Kevin’s eyes. There was an expression of sadness in Nick’s eyes and Kevin tried to kiss it away.

"Is it that you don’t want sex with me?"

Kevin giggled causing for Nick to blush. "Are you kidding? Anyone in their right mind would want sex with you. I can tell you about fifteen people right here tonight that was looking at you and wanted sex with you."

Nick wrinkled his nose and looked at their friends.

"No. Not our friends. Other people, walking by and looking at you. Staring at you. There was a blanket of girls about fifty feet in front of us who kept looking back at you and watching you. They were giggling so loud and trying so hard to get your attention. They thought you were so hot."

Nick blushed and pressed his face into Kevin’s throat. "Shut up."

"I’m serious. And there were girls over there,’ Kevin pointed to the right of them, "and some walking past when we got here. Nick, you’re beautiful. And yes, sometimes I even still see Chrissy watching you when Josh isn’t looking. Even Lance will watch you with a look in his eyes. They might not even realize it, but they still look."

"They’re looking at Justin," Nick whispered. He stole a glance at his best friend and smiled. Justin was laughing at something Josh was saying to him, he was gorgeous. Kevin looked as well and nodded. "That too. God, the two of you together, girls get so flustered when they see you two coming. You both have quite the impressive fan club at school."

"But you’re not ready? Because..."

Kevin took a deep breath and laced his fingers with Nick’s. "Because it’s a big step. Sex is huge Nick, and I want to be sure that I’m not going to hurt you..."

Nick took that to mean that he’d be on the bottom, the girl. He wasn’t sure what to make of that but didn’t speak. Kevin noticed something flicker on his face and brushed their noses together.

"What?" Kevin asked.

"What what?"

"You had a funny look on your face. What were you thinking?"

Nick gave a shoulder shrug and looked at something over Kevin’s shoulder. Just when Kevin thought he wasn’t going to answer, Nick opened his mouth.

"You think I’m a girl? I’m going to be on the bottom..."

Kevin frowned through his confusion. He wasn’t sure what Nick meant by that, and why on earth Kevin would think he was a girl. Nick bit his lip and shook off his nerves.

"You’re afraid of hurting me. That means you are going to be inside of me. That makes me a girl."

The realization of how Nick interpreted Kevin’s comment dawned on him and he shook his head vigorously, needing Nick to understand. "Oh god. No. Nick, that’s not what I meant."

"That’s what you said. You don’t want to hurt me."

"I meant emotionally. I don’t want us to make love, and then have me leave you to go back to school. I don’t want it to be for the wrong reasons, and right now, if we’re thinking about it, it’s because I’m leaving and we’re both afraid of losing the other."

Relief washed over Nick’s body and he let himself relax. "Oh."

"And Nicky, no matter who is on the bottom and who is on the top, it doesn’t mean one of us is a girl. That’s not what this is about. It’s fifty/fifty, an equal partnership. We’re both guys, men. Just because one person allows someone else into their body, it doesn’t mean they’re less of a man for it."

Nick looked up and stared into Kevin’s eyes. He was looking for any trace of insincerity or humour and was pleased when he found none. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. God Nicky, I would never disrespect you like that. I don’t know what is going to happen when we finally make love, but whenever that is, we’re in this together. It’s such a big step, and right now, I have too many other things to focus on."

"So you do want to have sex with me?"

"Of course I do, Baby. But I don’t think you’re ready, and I know I’m not. When it happens, it’ll happen. But you don’t have to worry about me going somewhere else to get it. I’m not like that."

Nick didn’t speak and Kevin wasn’t sure what his silence meant. He needed for Nick to believe him, to believe in him.

"Please tell me you believe me, I can’t leave here with you doubting how much I love you and how much I want to be with you."

Nick’s frown curled into a shy grin and he nodded his head. "I believe you. And I promise not to worry about it any more. I trust you to be honest with me, and if there’s a problem, we’ll deal with it."

Kevin gave a loud sigh of relief and kissed Nick happily. "Oh good. Nicky, I’m so glad."

"But you have to trust me too. Don’t be worried about me finding someone else. And don’t be afraid to enjoy yourself at school. I want to hear all about your adventures and the fun people you’re meeting and the cool things you’re doing."

Kevin grinned, falling into Nick’s kiss. "I promise, I’ll phone you every day. E-mail you. Write you letters. Everything. I want to hear all about what’s going on with you too. Basketball, art, the play ...the other million and ten things you’ll end up volunteering for and wishing you hadn’t because you’re so busy."

Nick giggled, nodding as Kevin kissed him. "Definitely." For the first time all summer, Nick felt completely okay with Kevin leaving him in a few weeks.

End Chapter 2


Chapter 3 >