home

Title: Life Changes
Author: Jules
Parts: 3
Pairing: Nick/Kev
Rating: R
Warning: AU Warning, Slash warning
Disclaimer: Fiction for the purpose of entertainment

Life Changes
by Jules

The Months Prior | The Night Of | The Months Post

The Months Prior

Nick opened his eyes, letting the lids flutter open a few times before yawning and turning over and burrowing deeper into his blankets. He felt his body fighting off the last remnants of sleep and tried to lose himself in the dream that he'd been enjoying only moments earlier. If he woke up now, he would have to think about the dream, decipher it's hidden meanings and truths that he just wasn't ready to face, so instead of doing that, he'd much rather go back to the dream and lose himself in it.

Thankfully he managed to slip back into unconsciousness, except the dream had changed and the previous story his subconscious mind had been telling was lost. His otherwise blissful state was replaced with confusing images, contrasting ideas and harsh faces, looking at him through eyes that he didn't recognize but gave him a sense of familiarity. Nick tossed and turned in his now, fitful sleep with a faint thought that he should have remained awake the first time he'd opened his eyes. It was hours before he would wake for the day leaving Nick feeling confused and frustrated.

Nick was a normal twenty three year old male. Or at least he thought he was normal. He'd lived a normal life up until, well if he thought about it, the past few months. A year to be exact. It had been almost a year since he'd felt truly normal and now he just felt confused, frustrated, uncertain. Not to say that he wasn't happy, Nick was unbelievably happy, it was just behind that happiness laid more. More that he didn't often let himself think about. It was only in his unconscious state that his reservations were lowered and his brain fully allowed for him to think about things, but it was during those times he found himself the most confused and frustrated.

He'd grown up in a loving house with wonderful parents, great siblings and pretty much everything any kid would ever want. They weren't disgustingly rich, but they weren't poor. They were comfortable, and Nick had led the life that other kids only dreamed about. He had the best friends he could ever want, dated the hottest girls in school, was the captain of the basketball, football and baseball teams, not to mention also did track and swimming as side sports and kept an almost perfect grade point average. Nickolas Gene Carter was the all American teen boy that mothers wanted their daughters to marry and settle down with and fathers wanted their sons to try and emulate.

Nick Carter was perfect.

And he knew it.

Not to a point where it inflated his ego and he felt he was better than everyone else. His parents had instilled in him the values that people who worked hard at what they did were successful. Nothing came for free and if Nick wanted to be the best at things, he would have to work at it. So he did. He practiced constantly, and when he wasn't at practice he was studying, and when he had any free time between practice and school, he would lend his services to whatever cause needed it. He was too busy to be better than everyone else, and that was one of the reasons he was so well liked. Although he was a star athlete, scholar and pretty much a star at whatever else he did, he was so nice and sweet, you had to like him. People couldn't not.

To everyone else, he had the perfect life. And he'd thought it too. Until a year ago.

At twenty one Nick decided he wanted to move out of his parents house. He thought it was time to spread his wings and see if he could do things on his own. After speaking to his parents, they agreed that it was time, and so he and his best friend started looking. He and his best friend been inseparable since birth, Nick Carter and Justin Timberlake. Nick'n'Justin. Two halves of a whole. The Timberlakes and Carters had moved onto their street weeks apart, instantly becoming friends. Barbeques were alternated between houses, double dates were a weekly event and when Jane got pregnant Lynne was by her side through the whole pregnancy. While Bob and Paul spent their weekends at the golf course playing a few rounds, the women would find new ways to decorate the gardens, or test out new recipes for dinner parties. Nine months later Nickolas was born and it was only a few months later before Lynne found out she herself was pregnant. Three days after Nickolas' first birthday, Justin Randall was born, thus beginning the friendship. The two were never apart for more time than was necessary, finding that their friendship only solidified as the years went by. It was expected that when Nick left home, Justin wouldn't be too far behind.

It didn't take them long to find a place to live, a luxurious three bedroom townhouse close to their college campus. They managed for a few months on their own before realizing that it would be more economically wise to take in a third roommate. They agreed first and foremost that their girlfriends were not an option. Nick loved Britney and Justin loved Christina, but loving them and living with them were two different things. And if they wanted to keep their relationships in tact, it was wise if they didn't move in together. Thinking about their circle of friends, it was clear that they couldn't ask any of the others to move in. Most were still living at home enjoying the free ride, and the ones that weren't, lived on campus. It was Justin's idea to look at someone they didn't know. Someone they didn't have a past with and wouldn't be awkward living with them. It wasn't until an ad was placed in the university paper that they found their perfect house mate.

Of course, it took interviewing about fifty possible prospects before they found him, but judging from the feeling that both Nick and Justin got as the man walked into their living room, he was perfect. Exactly what they were looking for.

Kevin Richardson was a nonsmoker, occasional drinker, and a very quiet man. He was doing his second Masters in Music Education, and while he was dedicated to his education, he still enjoyed having fun and getting out every once in a while. After doing extensive checks with Kevin's references and putting him through a very thorough interview, Nick and Justin agreed that Kevin would move in as soon as possible. That turned out to be within the week as Kevin was as hard up to find a place to live as Nick and Justin were to fill the extra room. It was a match made in heaven.

Nick had failed to mention to his best friend the way his skin tingled the moment Kevin walked into the room. The way he couldn't tear his eyes off of those piercing green eyes that seemed to penetrate right down to his soul. The way that Nick's pulse picked up each time Kevin spoke, or breathed, or just ...existed. Nick failed to mention this because it was inconsequential. It was nothing. He refused to think about it because it wasn't an issue. It didn't matter.

He refused until Kevin was leaving after signing a cheque for first and last month's rent. "Sorry guys, something else I should tell you. So you know." Kevin paused and both Justin and Nick held their collective breaths. "I'm gay."

Nick's world was forever changed. He had no problem with homosexuals. Lesbians. Bisexuals. Gay men. He was of the mind that people did what they did and that was their business. He was sure that he'd gone to school with homosexuals, that they were out there and that just because you didn't know that someone was gay, it didn't mean they weren't. But there was just something in Kevin's admission that struck a cord in Nick's mind. That made him stop and his heart to cease beating for just a fraction of a second. It suddenly made the feelings that he was experiencing mean something entirely else and Nick's insides were churning. Nothing was the same as it had been five minutes earlier. Kevin asked if they had a problem with it and Justin was the first to answer, citing that as long as Kevin had no problem with him being straight he had no problem with Kevin being gay. Nick offered a weak smile and shook his head. He had no problem with it.

Not really.

The moment passed and all three men moved on from it, getting to know each other and finding common ground in their new living situations.

Nick was happy with Britney, always had been and knew he always would be. He was head over heels in love with her and they'd been planning their lives out since they'd made love the first time on her seventeenth birthday. Every detail down to the wedding, how many children, what their names would be and what they would do upon retirement had been carefully scripted and documented. Nick knew that Justin and Christina felt the same way and had their lives planned out as well. It was just expected that they'd live next door to each other, their children would grow up together and life would be perfect.

He wished he could pinpoint the moment that the happiness began to feel suffocating. Slowly things began to change, Nick was restless. Unhappy. Less confident that their life plan was really what he wanted to do. He never spoke a word of it to anyone else, but simply played things out in his mind, questioning things that had long since been decided upon. He wasn't sure when he'd felt it wasn't enough.

He wanted more.

But what more was, he wasn't sure. But he knew that it might not be directly linked to Britney. Or their lives together. It was something Nick knew he was going to have to work out on his own. It wasn't something he thought Justin or Britney would necessarily understand so he just didn't mention it. It was an issue he was going to have to work out on his own, Nick just wished he knew how to do that.

At first Justin and Nick didn't think that they would really end up spending that much time with Kevin. He was considerably older than the both of them, had a completely different circle of friends and interests. But the more that they hung out with Kevin at the house, they found that they had more in common than they realized. As time passed, whereas Justin and Nick were an inseparable twosome, they'd become a threesome, Kevin filling in the third spot. They went clubbing together, went to games, movies, anything that came up when their schedules weren't full with school work, jobs or other obligations. Things had worked out with their living situation much better than any of them could have even imagined, all three thankful that they'd found each other.

On occasion, Kevin brought men home from the club or bar. They'd had a long talk about the apartment and rights, both Nick and Justin assuring Kevin that although they'd been there first, it was his apartment as much as it was theirs. He could feel comfortable in living his life the way he wanted, as long as his guests were respectful of their presence in the apartment, as they would be respectful in return. Christina and Britney stayed over on occasion, and Kevin was forced to endure listening, or smile sweetly the morning after, so they felt that it was only fair that Kevin be allowed the same rights.

Nick hadn't been lying when he'd said that he didn't mind Kevin having men over from time to time. He wanted Kevin to feel comfortable in the apartment, and he didn't want the older man to have to sacrifice his lifestyle because he and Justin were straight, but on the other hand, he hated hearing noises coming from Kevin's room late at night, evidence that he wasn't alone. He hated seeing a pair of familiar pair of shoes by the front door, followed by a portfolio on the table with a golden bass cleft painted on the cover, initials JC in the lower corner taunting him. Not only taunting him but reminding him of what he wasn't, or what he was trying so desperately to ignore anyways.

Joshua was Kevin's sometimes boyfriend. Okay, his never boyfriend but they had dated in the past and forgotten that when you broke up with someone, you stopped having sex with them. Kevin and Josh hadn't really stopped that part of the relationship, and although Nick had no right to begrudge the beautifully delicate looking man with long dark hair and clear blue eyes the joys of sleeping with Kevin, he did. Josh was in the same programme as Kevin and they pretty much spent their days and a few evenings a week together. Nick hated him with a passion, something else he kept to himself since Britney, Christina and Justin adored him. Joshua was nice, sweet, genuinely fun to be around and an all around good guy. From what they could see, Joshua had no bad qualities to him, only fueling Nick's resentment towards him.

Nick's resentment continued to plague him, only because he couldn't fully comprehend why it was he despised Joshua. If he stopped and was really honest with himself, Joshua was beautiful, inside and out. He could make Kevin smile like no one else Nick had seen and he seemed to genuinely care for him. It should have made Nick happy to see his friend so happy with someone, as happy with Joshua as he was with Britney. Or how happy Nick HAD been with Britney. Somewhere along the way they had begun to drift away from each other, something that Nick was vaguely aware of but doing nothing to fix. Nick couldn't understand why he felt an overwhelming sensation of depression knowing that Josh and Kevin were going away for a weekend, or they were out for dinner, or even if they were curled up watching TV together. Most times he would go into his room and work on his computer or do something else, but there were times when he found himself joining them, unable to focus on anything except the two of them and wondering why it was that he cared so much who Kevin was fucking and when he began to wish that it could be him. At least once.

There was one time when Nick had been sitting on the couch alone watching Sportsdesk at 2 am battling a bout of insomnia. Brit was fast asleep in his bed and he'd thought that everyone else was asleep too, until Kevin's bedroom door opened and he walked out completely naked as if to sneak to the bathroom which was just down the hall. Usually it wasn't a far trek, but that night it felt a million miles away as their eyes met and Nick saw surprise in Kevin's green eyes. He'd jumped back into his room and grabbed a robe, emerging with his cheeks a bright crimson colour. "Sorry, I ... out of condoms and J said he kept a box in the bathroom as an emergency stash."

Nick could only nod mutely, his mind still focused on the sight of Kevin naked. And hard. Kevin returned moments later with a strip of condoms in his hand, causing Nick's eyebrow to raise.

Nick fought for something to say that didn't betray how much he was affected by the older man. He needed something to say other than 'only four? With me you'd need twice that.'. What came out was, "have fun bro." Kevin smirked and nodded, heading back into his bedroom. Nick waited until he heard a low moan coming from one of them and turned off the TV, eyes closed and pulse still racing. Nick immediately went to bed, only to wake Britney up for one of the most intense sexual experiences they'd ever shared. That was the night Nick realized something was severely wrong. Life as he knew it had changed, when he came it was Kevin's face he saw, Kevin's name shouted in his mind.

He wanted to talk to Justin but couldn't. He didn't know how to explain to his best friend of 22 years that he'd seen a naked man, a naked Kevin to be exact and had been harder than he could ever remember being in months. Perhaps years. He didn't know how to explain why he barely spoke to Josh when he was at their place, why he harboured this resentment that no one else understood. And he sure as hell didn't know how to explain that when he was with Britney lately, all it took was Kevin's face visualized behind closed eyes to get Nick ready for sex, and when he came it wasn't her he was thinking about. Hadn't been for months.

He'd been straight. At least he'd assumed he was straight. Twenty three years without a doubt and all it had taken was one man to walk into his life to change that. And Nick wasn't entirely sure he wanted change. He liked things the way they were. The way HE was. He loved Britney, loved his life, loved who he was. But now, thanks to Kevin, he was different. Kevin made him different, and now he didn't know what to do about it. At first he thought maybe it was just Kevin, that he only had that reaction to his older roommate. He decided to put that theory to the test. The three of them had gone to a club that Kevin had heard about from a few friends. It was a club that catered to people of all sexual orientations. It was supposed to be one of the best alternative clubs and after deciding that they needed a night out just for them, no significant others, Nick, Justin and Kevin went out.

They were standing at the bar, drinking and surveying the goods around them when someone caught Nick's eye. The man was short with short blonde curls and dark roots. He wore a pair of leather pants and a wife beater showing off multiple tattoos all over his arms. Nick felt his groin tighten and he licked his lips unconsciously. His eyes darted from this stranger to Kevin and back again, confusing Nick. Downing the rest of his drink he ordered another, hoping that the alcohol would numb the sexual excitement humming through his veins. "What about him?" He said, whispering into Kevin's ear.

Kevin turned to look at Nick, a suspicious expression on his face. Nick's tongue had grazed his ear lightly and the blonde was standing much closer to him than he normally did. Seeing the number of empty glasses in front of him, Kevin chalked it up to Nick's being drunk and overly affectionate. He simply squinted to see who Nick was pointing at. "Who?"

"Him. Bottle blonde, tats on his arms, beater with leather pants." Nick's hands were trembling. His tongue had been out and licking at Kevin's ear before he could stop it. He could still taste Kevin and felt his cock throb in response. They were standing closer than necessary and Nick looked out on the dance floor to see Justin grinding with some girl that had asked him to dance. He turned to look at Kevin so he could gauge his reaction finding them face to face. "I mean, he's hot right?"

Kevin's head cocked to the side as he checked out the man that Nick was referring to. Yes, this guy was hot, someone Kevin wouldn't mind getting to know a little better, but what was more interesting was Nick's sudden assistance in finding him someone. Usually Nick and Justin never pointed anyone out to him, nor did he exactly point anyone out to them. Not that they would have actually hooked up with someone, since they had their girlfriends waiting for them at home, but still. There was something in Nick's behaviour that night that piqued Kevin's interest. There was the veiled hunger in Nick's gaze that was focused directly on him that Kevin couldn't ignore. "Yeah, he's definitely hot Nick."

"You should ask him to dance. Take him home with us ...uh, you. Take him home and fuck him. He looks like he'd be a good lay." Their eyes were locked and neither could break the gaze. Nick couldn't believe he'd just said that and Kevin couldn't believe he'd heard it.

"What?"

Nick's drink disappeared in one gulp, giving him the courage to continue with his line of thought. If he didn't convince Kevin to start dancing with someone, someone else, then he'd be running the risk of asking him to dance with him. And that was something that Nick did not want, despite what his body was telling him.

"Go ask him to dance. See if he's interested, and if he is... totally take him home and fuck him. I mean, you and Josh aren't together. You should be having as much fun as you can, not just being with him."

Kevin wanted to respond but by the time he could collect his thoughts, they had been joined by the stranger they were discussing. "Hi. I'm Alex." Alex stepped in closer to Kevin, putting his hand on his arm invitingly.

"He's Kevin, you two should dance." Nick smiled and winked at his friend, leaving the two men alone. Within minutes Nick had joined Justin on the dance floor, finding that the girl he was dancing with had a friend. As much as he wanted her to take his mind off of Kevin, it wouldn't work. He found his eyes constantly moving over to where Kevin and Alex were dancing seductively, followed by gratuitous kissing and finally a signal that Kevin was leaving. With Alex.

He should have been happy. Seeing Kevin hook up with the stranger should have made Nick feel better, knowing that temptation had been removed and he was safe from the thoughts swirling around in his mind. Instead he felt worse. He suddenly hated Alex who had been smirking the whole walk through the bar towards the exit. He hated the visions of Kevin naked that wouldn't leave his mind, and hated knowing the sounds that would be resulting as he'd heard them countless times before from down the hall. Hated knowing that while he was going home to an empty bed, or worse yet Britney in his bed, that Alex guy was going home with Kevin. Nick needed to seriously get a grip.

He hadn't realized he was kissing the girl until he felt Justin's hand on his shoulder. "Whoa, dude. What are you doing?" He pulled away and looked into dark eyes, his fingers tangled in long black hair. For a moment he couldn't think of anything but Kevin and moved to start kissing her again. Justin pulled him back and Nick broke out of the fog he was in. "Fuck. Nick what the hell is going on?"

Alcohol, he'd drank too much alcohol. But worse yet, it wasn't the alcohol because for as much as he'd had, he was still thinking clearly. Well as clear as he could considering the shit he'd been going through for the past eight months. With an apologetic smile he dismissed the girl and turned to face Justin. "Huh?"

"You were kissing her, fucking kissing her. And I heard you invite her home with you tonight."

Nick was shocked at that. He hadn't even registered asking her home. Thinking back he blushed and it came back to him. They were kissing, he was sure he'd initiated the kiss, and suddenly he was picturing Kevin. It was Kevin he was kissing, Kevin he was dancing with.

"You're so fucking hot, I shouldn't want you but I do."

She had laughed, but Nick heard Kevin's low chuckle instead. "Oh yeah?"

"Fuck yeah. So fucking hot." They'd kissed again, this time harder with more passion. His hand had gotten under her shirt and was stroking her bare back. "I wanna fuck you. Wanna take you home and feel what it's like to be inside you."

Nick shook his head at the memory and blushed. "Fuck, I'm way too drunk. Must have thought she was Brit for a second."

Justin cocked an eyebrow in disbelief. He crossed his arms over his chest and simply stared at his best friend.

"What?"

"I'm waiting for you to tell me what the fuck is going on with you. And not just tonight, you've been whack for a while now. Chris has noticed it, I've noticed and Brit's sure as hell noticed." Nick could only wipe his face with his hand in frustration. Justin must have noticed Nick's dilemma because he pulled him close. "You can tell me Nick. You know you can tell me anything. I've never seen you come close to cheating on Britney, never even thinking about it so something must be wrong for you to want to take this girl home. And don't tell me it was because you thought it was her because that's impossible. They look nothing alike. Brit's my friend, but you know that if it's between you and her, it's you. Always you. I've got your back, no questions asked. Just ...if you need to talk I'm here."

That was the first time Nick realized just how far things had gotten. How serious the situation was and that he needed to do something to fix it. To deal with it. As they stood in the middle of the crowded club, looking at one another he took a deep breath. "I know you're there if I need you, but not about this. Not yet. I can't."

"Are you and Brit having problems?"

Nick nodded, "but not what you think. Not like you think. We made this pact a long time ago that if either of us felt less than 100% about our relationship we should end it. Neither of us wanted to hold the other back if this wasn't what we wanted. I think it's time..."

"Fuck." Justin's voice was a whisper, echoing the sentiments in Nick's mind.

"Yeah."

"Okay then. Lets go home."

The breakup wasn't without tears and heartbreak for both of them. It was one of the hardest things Nick had ever done up to that point in his life. He didn't know how to tell the one person he loved the most in the world that they shouldn't be together any longer. That it wasn't anything that she had done, but something he needed to work out in his own head and heart. It wasn't fair to either of them if his heart wasn't one hundred percent in their relationship, and they both honestly knew that it hadn't been for a long time.

"I thought that maybe it would get better," Britney cried softly. "That things would blow over."

Nick nodded, understanding completely. He had thought so too, but the night at the bar had been a wake up call for him. Had Kevin been there with him, had they been dancing or even just talking, Nick wasn't certain he wouldn't have propositioned him. That he couldn't have kept his thoughts to himself and not told him what he'd told the girl. "I need to be alone for a while. Just to figure out what the fuck I'm doing and what I want."

The time where all he'd wanted was her was long gone. Nick had hoped that they would still be friends after the breakup, but at the moment, that wasn't exactly possible. They were both hurting too much to be able to spend time together, especially as less than what they previously were. It would take some time to be together as friends, but as Britney kissed Nick good-bye, they hugged and it was understood that one day it would happen. They had been through far too much to throw it all away. It was her parting words that hit Nick deep. "I hope she makes you happy, whoever she is."

Nick knew that deep down, Britney thought there was someone else. That there was some girl that had made him question their relationship and so he was breaking up with her to persue it. She didn't fault him for it as they had long since talked about this day. It didn't make it hurt less, but in the end, all she wanted was his happiness, just as he wanted hers. He didn't know what to say to assure her there wasn't another girl. There might never be another girl for him. He knew deep in his heart that if he didn't marry Britney, he wasn't going to marry some other girl. "Babe, there is no 'she'." He watched as her forehead crinkled deeply, as if she were thinking about something, looking deep into his soul.. She approached him and cupped his face gently in her hand, bringing their foreheads together.

"No. I guess there isn't. Just remember I love you Nicky, more than anything." She kissed his nose softly and walked out his front door, leaving Nick to wonder what she meant by it and if she knew more than she was letting on.

Nick was on his own. For the first time since he was sixteen and she was fifteen and they'd decided they were going to 'go out'. For seven years Britney was his life, his love and now she was gone. Nick had to seriously get his life back on track and figure out what the hell was going on with him. The first couple of weeks passed by in a fog. It took longer than he thought it would to get used to sleeping alone every night, not coming home to Britney lounging around the house in his baggy tee shirts and boxer shorts. To going out with Justin and Kevin and being allowed to look at other girls, and when he was drunk enough and let his inhibitions down, to look at guys as well.

Much to Nick's pleasure, Alex had been a one night thing. Kevin had told Nick he'd had a lot of fun with him, but it was pretty much agreed upon by both that it would only be sex. Amazingly fantastic sex, but sex. Alex had someone at home and Kevin ...well Kevin was very secretive with his romantic life. Josh was the only constant bed mate Nick knew about, and to be honest, Nick noticed that Josh was the only bed mate Kevin had, which was becoming more and more infrequent. It was stated that they both were too busy for relationships, but Kevin was still going out as much as he had while he and Josh were quasi together, and Josh's schedule hadn't changed much either. Nick figured that it was none of his business so he didn't pry, but it wasn't broadcast that he was happy Kevin had stopped sleeping with Josh as much.

Nick hadn't talked to anyone about the questions he had regarding his sexuality. Despite Justin's reminders that if he wanted to talk any time about anything he could go to him, Nick didn't feel comfortable in bringing it up with him. Wasn't sure how to do so and truthfully didn't know where to start. He wanted to make sure he knew what was happening in his head and his heart before he brought Justin into it, especially since he knew that Christina and Britney were still such good friends and Justin was already put in an overly awkward position. And he couldn't go to Kevin since he was the reason that the questioning had started in the first place. So instead, Nick kept it to himself, hoping that the answers would surface on their own. He hadn't realized that day would come so soon.

The Night Of

home