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Title:  In Retrospect
Author: Jules
Pairing: Nick/Kevin
Part: 1/1
Rating: PG
Disclaimer:  Fiction for entertainment purposes.  I'm restless and my mind is wandering.  Just a little fluff piece that resulted.

In Retrospect
by Jules
 

He doesn't want to be alone.  He has spent so much time being watched, having dozens of people crowding him that when he is alone, when there is no one around him, it creeps him out.  It makes him uneasy, the same way he felt in the beginning when he had to get used to having everyone there all the time.  There used to be times that he would wish they would leave him alone, give him five minutes to take a piss in peace and quiet.  Of course they never did, and he resented them for that.  He hated having to be 'on' all the time and never having any time to himself.  Now that he has the time, he wonders what the big deal was.  Why he wanted it in the first place, because being alone was really lonely, and being lonely sucked.  He was an international pop star, a sex symbol, loved by millions, and here he was, all a-fucking-lone.  He hated being alone.

 

He also hated the silence.  It put him on edge, making him wonder what was in store.  For ten years he spent twenty four hours a day, seven days a week in pure chaos.  There was the screaming, ten years of screaming.  Everywhere they went, whatever they did people would scream.  They had stage hands screaming instructions at them.  Fans screaming their undying love and devotion to them.  Even them screaming at each other.  It was like when they were around, people forgot how to talk normally.  As if they were deaf and couldn't hear.  Even when there wasn't screaming, there was.  The shrill sounds would burrow their way into the deepest, darkest recesses of their minds and settle there, echoing for hours, sometimes even days, afterwards.  And then there was the music.  Music everywhere, theirs, other peoples, even the music from the game consoles that were found in each tour bus, hotel room, limo. Quiet was hard to come by and it was all that he wished for some days.  Five minutes to be able to hear himself think.  He wasn't even sure he'd recognize his own inner voice anymore.  But now, now he was submerged in silence.  And it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.  He missed the loud chaos that followed them around.  The buzz of excitement at the prospect of getting a glimpse of him, them.  He missed who he was.

 

Kevin wasn't sure when it had become enough.  The constant fighting.  The resentment.  The inability to function as a cohesive unit that at one moment in time, was on top of the world.  Even in their best hours there was friction, but it was a good friction.  Somewhere along the lines, that good turned bad.  AJ began drinking.  Howie started pulling away, becoming distant and detatched.  Brian was more focused on Leighanne and being a family man.  Nick had decided he was old enough to make his own decisions, most which were bad lapses in judgement.  And Kevin, Kevin had started to become bitter and resentful.  Everyone's head was so far up their asses they couldn't see what it was doing to the group.  Their careers.  But most of all, their friendships.  He couldn't remember the last time Nick and Brian had hung out together voluntarily.  Where their friendship once was something that the other guys admired and was admittedly jealous of, now it was a shell of a connection, the two men barely able to be in the same room long enough for group meetings without it turning into some sort of yelling match, with accusations being flung between every slew of expletives.  Where Howie was always someone AJ could turn to when he had a problem, now the older man was too wrapped up in himself and his own issues to deal with those of his best friend, pushing AJ to seek solace in a bottle of JD.  Or tequila.  Or whatever it was he could get his hands on first.  On most nights, AJ wasn't too picky.

 

He knows he wasn't perfect either.  There were a lot of things he could have handled better, things he could have done differently.  He wasn't an innocent victim by all means, and Kevin knows that some of the time, he'd fueled the fire purposely.  Done things he knew would start a fight for the sheer enjoyment of it.  He was angry, although never one hundred percent sure why.  He was bitter, but most of all he was hurting.  And it was immature, he knows that, but he wanted them to hurt as much as he was.  He wanted them to feel the pain he was feeling.  But most of all he wanted them to sit up and take notice of his problems for once.  He'd spent ten years taking care of them, playing the role of father and big brother, but never once was the tables turned.  Never once did any of them take care of him.  His stability was taken for granted, which was laughable because he was probably the most unstable of the group.

 

By twenty eight he'd thought he had endured enough to make him cynical of the world.  To harden him to the point where nothing could touch him and he was immune to heart ache.  He was wrong.  All it took was witnessing AJ leaving a room that wasn't his for his world to be shaken up.  Kevin had hid around a corner, watching the exchange take place only ten feet in front of him.  AJ stepped into the hallway, only to look up and down the corridor. When he saw no one there, he turned around and pulled the person out, kissing them passionately on the mouth.  It was clear he was intoxicated, as was the person he was kissing.  Kevin can still, if he tries hard enough, hear Nick's slurred, hushed voice warning him to go before he got caught.  Too late.  They kissed one last time before AJ stumbled down the hall to his own room, fumbling with the key card a few times before successfully gaining access to his suite.

 

Kevin suspected that was when it all began.  The downward spiral which was ultimately the end of Backstreet.  He can't take all the credit for the group's demise, it was a five part harmony until the end, but that was one of the first cracks to shatter their perfect dream.  It took a few years but little by little they began to self destruct, each falling deeper and deeper into themselves.  Even at the time Kevin knew it was wrong, that they were only hurting themselves, not each other, but he was powerless to stop it.   Things had to take their course and all he could do was hope that they would get through in one piece with at least some possibility of them being friends again.

 

Broadway was amazing.  Everything he'd always wanted to do and he wouldn't go back and change it.  It was so different from any other stage he had been on and he knew his father would be proud of him.  He'd been scared shitless to try it, unsure as to whether or not he could actually do it.  Singing and dancing with the group was one thing, but this was a whole new world to him.  Sink or swim, he'd taken the plunge.  He didn't blame Nick for wanting to go his own way during what was supposed to only be a temporary break.  It was to be expected, especially after the way they'd treated him.  He wouldn't apologize for how he felt about the blonde's decision to go solo, although he wished he hadn't have said a lot of the things he'd said.  He could have been at least a little more diplomatic about it.  And it wasn't as if it had been a surprise, they'd known it was coming.   Instead of ignoring Nick every time he spoke, instead of chalking his warnings up to empty threats, they should have listened.  Kevin knows that's a part of the reason Nick ultimately left.  Because they assumed he wouldn't.  They saw him the way most of the world saw him, the baby.  The one that couldn't do it on his own.  He'd broken free to prove the world wrong.  And Kevin couldn't have been more proud of him.  Not that he ever told him that, he hadn't.  But it was still there in his heart.

 

Time has passed and he doesn't know what he wants to do now.  Where he wants to go.  His marriage that wasn't really a marriage in the first place is over.  It has been for a long time.  There was no need for her any more.  She had served her purpose as he had his.  Although he knows he got a better end of their deal.  His name hadn't gotten her anywhere, but then again, she wasn't one to flaunt it around.  Her acting career was borne out of her own talent and perseverance.  Her own merits.  Their marriage was a favour to a best friend, who needed a cover up when things started getting too close for comfort.  The media had been speculating about his sexual orientation, his choice of sexual partners.  Although having no proof, they were surprisingly close to reality and Kevin had to make a choice.  In or out.

 

He was engaged within twenty four hours.

 

He chose in.

 

Life is all about choices, and Kevin can admit he'd made some wrong ones.  But in those wrong choices, he found a lot of things in his life fell into place.  Things he might not have found out about himself if he'd gone down a different path.  Had he not gone to Orlando to work at Disney, he never would have been in contact with the people who hooked him up with Lou.  Had he not gone to the audition, he would have never made the group.  Had he not made the group he wouldn't have been where he was right now, because each decision made, affects the next one and next and he shudders to think about where he would be right now.

 

If he thinks about it, takes the time to really assess his life, where he is and where he has been, he's happy.  It was worth it. 

 

Years have passed and fences have been mended.  He still sees Brian at family functions, small talk shared between them only to have Kevin head in one direction and Brian in the opposite.  Kevin merely nods at Leighanne, not bothering to make nice with her.  Brian is blood.  She is not.  There are some compromises Kevin will not make.

 

He keeps contact with AJ through minimal correspondence.  Emails mostly, cards on birthdays and holidays.  Phone calls once in a while.  Kevin thinks that AJ never fully forgave him for what had happened immediately before his stint in rehab, although they both knew it was for his own good.  AJ never was one for taking orders from someone, especially when they were right.

 

Oddly enough, Howie and Kevin's relationship hadn't changed.  They were friends in the beginning, they were friends throughout the downfall of their musical journey and they were friends when it all ended.  Somehow, they'd managed to escape the ugliness when it had come around, and even now, years later, they would get together as if nothing had happened, reminisce about old times and not have it be weird. 

 

His issues with Nick were by far the hardest to deal with.  There was so much underlying baggage that he hadn't known how to deal with.  The most important being he was in love with him. 

 

Love.

 

Which was the only explanation of why they'd spent so much time hurting each other.  Love was against the rules.  Love wasn't in the equation.  Love was an emotion that he couldn't afford and so Kevin fought it every step of the way.  Not to say that Nick made it easy, he hadn't.  But Kevin had kept that one little secret away from the blonde, and deep down he knew it would have made a difference.  That might have been why he kept it a secret.

 

There is a loud crash and the silence has been broken.  He can hear four voices talking animatedly about something or other.  Smiling, he swivels his chair around to wait for them to find him.  It only takes about a minute.  "You're home already?"  The four teens filter into his study and Kevin saves what he's working on before closing the programme down. 

 

"Yeah.  The movie blew and we figured we'd just order something in to eat rather than stay at the mall."

 

Kevin smiled as he received a gentle kiss to the top of his head.  He cocked his eyebrow, something was up.  They never came home this early on a Friday night.  He stared deeply into a pair of crystal blue eyes waiting for a confession as to why they were really home early.

 

"And besides, we missed you."  Kevin looked up at an identical set of eyes, feeling warmth flood his body.  The two twin sixteen year olds staring at him were spitting images of their father, sometimes Kevin finding it eerie how closely they resembled him.

 

"And..."

 

"And,"  Kevin smiled as the third person in the door pushed past her siblings  and sat down on his lap, throwing her arms around his neck.  "We know how you get when Dad's out of town so we thought we'd come home and hang with you."

 

And there Kevin had it, he knew that was why they'd come home but wanted to hear them say it.  Clearly the twins were not impressed.  "Soph, you weren't supposed to tell him why we came home.  Now he knows it's because we feel sorry for him."

 

"Well I had thought it was because you loved me, not that you felt sorry for me.  So thanks Kay."  Kevin laughed as the blonde blushed and rolled her eyes.

 

The fourth teen to have entered the room still stood by the door, not moving any closer in.  Her hair was jet black, her eyes a striking shade of emerald. As if realizing she was standing on the outskirts she was pulled in, a tanned arm thrown over her shoulder bringing a smile to her face.   Kevin stared at the four teens standing in front of him feeling love overwhelm him. 

 

He could still remember the day it all started.  The day his life changed drastically.  His doorbell was ringing and he was in the middle of trying to feed Abby.  His daughter.  Before he and Kristin had decided to call it quits, they'd had a child together.  A precious, beautiful girl they named Abbigail.  Kevin was juggling feeding her and trying to answer the door.  Finding Nick on the other side holding a newborn in a car seat, two infants holding onto his pant legs was not what he had expected.  The two older children were Kayla and Bradley, two year old twins.  The crying baby in the seat was Sophie, four months old.  Nick looked devastated, exhausted and broken.  Kevin had welcomed him in, no questions asked.

 

With one call to his mother, Ann was on the next flight to LA to babysit the kids.  She would be there a week, long enough for Kevin to take Nick on a much needed mental health trip. They were going to Kevin's cabin in the woods, away from civilization and towards an understanding of what was going on. Why Nick would show up on his doorstep after no contact for four years.

 

They'd laughed.  They'd cried.  They'd talked about everything that had been shoved under the carpet for so many years.  And from there, they'd started new.  Which was fitting since they weren't the same people they'd been.  At the end of the week it had been decided.  Nick would move from Marathon where he'd previously been living to LA with Kevin.  Just for a few months until he'd gotten his feet on the ground.  With the twins, their mother had been there with him to help take care of them.  He'd never had to be on his own with them, but with Sophie she had decided she'd had enough.  He came home from the studio one day to find her gone, the kids left with the nanny.  She was leaving and never coming back.  Nick was terrified.  He'd lasted four days on his own before packing the kids up, grabbing a few essential items and driving to LA, to the only person he knew could help him.  To Kevin.

 

From there, a few months turned into a year.  Followed by two and then three.  Tjeu would alternate between houses, spending some of their time in LA and some in Marathon.  It was somewhere between the second and third year that they had realized what had been obvious from day one, they were in love.  The twins were five, Abby and Sophie both two, mere months separating them.  It was hours after the kids had been put to sleep and they were on the back deck, talking over a bottle of wine.  Confessions were made and hard truths faced.  The love each man thought was unrequited was present.   The circle was finally closing for them.

 

Looking at the four teens in front of them Kevin smiled.  He didn't regret one single thing for the simple fact that where life lead them, brought them these miracles.  They were not distinguished as Nick's children and his child.  All four were their children, raised as one family, the only distinction was Abby's raven locks to the others' blonde curls.  They couldn't remember the way things were before they'd become a family, and for that Kevin was grateful.  This was how it was supposed to be.  Him and Nick.  Together.  The family had been a most unexpected bonus, only making life sweeter.

 

"So.  What do you guys want for dinner?"  Kevin knew it was a silly question, there was only one prospect.

 

"Pizza."  All four teens answered loudly.  Brad had already grabbed the phone, and the others were calling out what they wanted on it.  They were definitely their father's children.  Their other father.

 

"Dad.  What do you want on it?"  Kay asked, looking at him expectantly.

 

"Whatever.  I'm not fussy."

 

"God, you know he only wants healthy crap on it.  Get a vegetarian for him and Soph.  Well get deluxe or meat lovers or something."  Abby headed through the room to the kitchen, grabbing a stack of paper plates and cutlery.  Sophie bounded off of his lap following her sister into the other room to help with the drinks.  Moments later the pizza had been ordered and they all headed into the den to settle around the coffee table.  Kevin sat on the couch, Sophie curling up on his one side, Abby on the other, while Brad was lounging on the floor and Kay had taken the lazy boy chair. 

 

It took five minutes for the fighting to start.  Brad wanted to watch the basketball game.  Sophie wanted MTV.  Kay wanted to watch a special on sharks on HBO while Abby's favourite movie was on.  Nick was out of town for a few days and would be returning Sunday, but Kevin knew if he was here, he'd be fighting with Kay for the shark special on HBO.  Some days he was just as bad as the kids, but then again, other days so was Kevin.   But in the end they would all sit tangled up in one another, enjoying the semi peaceful life they'd built for themselves over the past fourteen years. 

 

There weren't thousands of eyes on his every move.  He didn't have people crowding him twenty four seven.  For the most part, he moved in and out of public virtually unnoticed, eliciting only a few whispers of who he used to be and what he used to do.  As strange as it has been at first, he loved it.  Loved that the only people who watched his every move were the ones he loved more than life itself.  His family.  They did it because they loved HIM, not who he was portrayed to be.  He could make mistakes, he could swear, he could pretty much do anything and know that in the end, they would still love him.  Their love was unconditional, which for Kevin, made the world of difference.

 
The noise level had lessened as well, although some days Kevin wasn't so sure.  Instead of thousands of screaming, adoring fans, he had four screaming children.  Teenagers.  He had their music that he just didn't understand, their daily sagas and tragedies to deal with, he had fatherhood.  But it was music to his ears, and Kevin loved every minute of it.  Maybe not EVERY minute, but when he thought about the alternative, it was hard to stay angry.  He had everything he ever might have wanted, and more.
 
At the same time the doorbell rang, announcing their dinner had arrived, the phone began to ring.  Sophie and Brad fought to answer the door while Kay and Kevin fought for the phone.  Abby sat by watching, a grin on her face while she quietly took the remote control and changed the channel to her movie.  Kevin won the battle for the phone, answering it slightly out of breath.  "Hello?"  Goose bumps covered his skin when he heard the response.  In that instant, all noise except for the voice on the phone was tuned out.
 
"Hey babe.  Sounds like a huge party."  Nick chuckled.  Kevin stood, despite the cries of protest, and headed towards his office. 
 
"Not a party without you Nick."  Kevin sat down on the leather sofa and relaxed to the sooth sounds of his lover, his best friend, his soul mate talking in his ear.  At twenty one, he never excpected his life to turn out like this.  And now, he could only dream about how the next thirty years would be.
 
Finis

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