Title:I'll Be Author: Jules - mailto:slash_me_baby@yahoo.com Genre: Slash Pairing:Nick/Kevin
		Rating:		NC-17
		Disclaimer: This is not real, it never happened. I'll Be by Jules The strands in your eyes that colour them wonderful Stop me and steal my breath Emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky Never revealing their depth Nick knew from the very beginning that he was in love with Kevin. Maybe he wasn't sure that's what it was, love, true and unconditional love, but he knew that whatever it was, it was something and that Kevin was special. There was no explaining the feeling that he got when he was around Kevin, the way the older man made him feel, so he didn't. He didn't say anything to anyone about it and sure as hell didn't tell Kevin how good being in his arms made him feel. How the loneliness and homesickness didn't seem as overwhelming when Kevin would let him curl up with him in his bed, when Kevin would hold him close and soothe his fears, telling Nick that pretty soon they would be famous and Nick wouldn't have time to feel so scared and lost. That once their CD came out, they'd have everything they ever wanted. But what Nick never told him, that he already had everything he wanted, he was exactly where he wanted to be. In Kevin's arms with the prospect of their future ahead of them. When the group had started out, Nick was only 13. Barely a teenager, ages away from being a man. He was in fact still a naive little child. But Kevin was 21 and that was a lifetime difference. Kevin had been through high school, had already worked in a real job, had real girlfriends, probably even already had sex. Kevin had done everything Nick had only heard about, and that fascinated Nick. Made him even more infatuated with the older man. This infatuation, dependency seemed to only annoy and irritate Kevin, but it wasn't an annoyance so much as an inconvenience. Yet being the dutiful older 'brother', Kevin didn't say anything and just took to letting Nick sleep with him at night, trying to help him cope with the pressures of touring Europe, never knowing what was going to happen next. Nick could remember the first time he'd met Kevin. He could tell you almost everything about that day, from the weather outside, to what he'd eaten for breakfast, to the amazing thrill that had shot through his body as Kevin's emerald eyes stared deep into his clear blue ones. Kevin had looked at him with skepticism and made Nick feel as if it was HIM that was auditioning for Kevin, not the other way around. Nick, AJ and Howie had already been guaranteed a spot in the group, for it was ultimately THEIR group. As much as Lou wanted to believe that he'd put them together, they had done it themselves. Fate had brought them Kevin Richardson and they had Kevin audition for them. Nick couldn't tell you what song Kevin had sung, except for the fact that his eyes had become so expressive and bore a hole right through Nick's heart. As the last few lyrics fell from Kevin's lips, Nick's breath caught in his throat, and he looked at AJ and Howie for their reaction. The three of them wore matc hing grins and they had found their fourth member, they just needed one more. That was the last thing on Nick's mind, those beautiful green eyes making it hard to think about anything else. "Who's the kid?" Kevin has asked, clearly talking about Nick. "Nick. Nick Carter, he's in the group." AJ had replied, protectively throwing an arm around his best friend. "Got a problem with that?" With an amused smile, Kevin raised an eyebrow. He could tell that AJ was the rebel in the group, a bit of a punk but it suited him. "Can he sing?" "I wouldn't be here if I couldn't sing." Nick shot back defensively, biting his lip with a nervousness that accented his youth. "Prove it." Kevin had challenged, crossing his arms over his chest. So Nick had sang, and when he finished he smiled at the look of shock on Kevin's face. Realizing that he was staring, Kevin's mouth closed and his eyes became cloudy, a range of emotions displayed in their depths. Looking back, Nick realized just how expressive Kevin's eyes were. No matter how tough he tried to be, how

		anal he was, everything could be detected in his eyes. Any question could be answered in those eyes, but it took years of practice to read his emotions, to read the signs. At 13, Nick had no idea any of this, so he had taken Kevin's expression as annoyance and disgust. Feeling his confusion intensify. He had never felt this way about anyone else before, and wasn't sure how to deal with it. He wanted more than anything for Kevin to like him, to accept him, but for now, they had to find another guy to finish the group. He'd deal with his feelings for Kevin later. Tell me, that we belong together Dress it up with the trappings of love, I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above As Nick grew up, his infatuation for Kevin didn't fade as he had assumed it would. In fact, it had intensified, changed, began to grow into something else. They spent a great amount of time in Europe, and even though Kevin accepted Nick as an equal on stage, he still hovered over him as his younger brother. He'd treat him like a child, further adding frustration to Nick's confusion. Kevin had ended up calling his cousin Brian to join the group and thus, the Backstreet Boys had been born. Brian arrived and Nick had found his partner in crime. The two would spend hours on end playing video games, pulling pranks on everyone and becoming more of a pain in Kevin's ass. He'd spend hours yelling at the two, telling them to grow up and focus. He was harder on Nick than anyone else, just because of the fact that there was 9 years separating them and he wasn't used to dealing with a bratty 14 year old. Wasn't used to depending on this bratty 14 year old constantly for their group to become successful. They were a group and so, whatever Nick did ultimately affected Kevin's career, and Kevin didn't like the idea that this beautiful blue eyed, blonde haired boy held his future in his hands. Kevin didn't like that at all. The tour stretched out, and the longer they were on the road, the further Nick and Kevin distanced themselves from one another. Kevin became more detached from Nick, hanging out with Howie for the most part, doing things that he knew that Nick couldn't, going places Nick was too young to get into. And instead of Nick going to Kevin for comfort, for reassurance, he began going to Brian. He would curl up with Brian in their bunks, begging him not to tell the others that the anxiety attacks still plagued him. He wanted Kevin to think he wasn't a baby anymore, that he didn't need to be held and rocked to sleep at night. And as any best friend would, Brian complied. Never revealed Nick's secret visits. But Nick's admiration for the older man never wavered. He took everything Kevin said as gospel, knowing that he was older and more mature, wiser. Everything Nick did, was in hopes that Kevin would approve. That it would close the gap that had formed between them, bring them back to where they had been in the beginning. Eventually Nick had stopped missing home as much, and the road became his only reality. Memories of how things were before Europe faded and he matured, not needing any assistance in getting to sleep. He was forced to start to think for himself, being asked the harder questions in interviews, the topic of sex becoming more frequent. But as much as he wanted to think that he knew what he was talking about, that he was okay with being in the spotlight, he found that he always looked at Kevin before answering, Needing the older man's guidance before saying anything, gageing his reaction to his answers. And then they decided to return home to North America. They'd been in Europe for nearly 3 years and Nick was 16. It was time to come home. It was painfully clear how afraid all five of them were to come home, start over completely from scratch. No one in the States had ever heard of them and there was no guarantee that they'd make it there. Nick had long since worked out a lot of the confusion that had taken residency in his brain about Kevin. He knew that he loved him. Yeah, he loved Howie, Brian and AJ as well, but this was different. This wasn't about friendship, brotherhood. This was about love, need and want. But Nick wasn't blind, and he sure as hell wasn't as naive as he had been 3 years earlier. He knew what went on behind Kevin's door late at night, and what it meant when he saw women leaving his room at all hours. Men too sometimes. He understood that Kevin was a grown man and did things that grown men did. But they weren't things that grown men did with 16 year old boys with crushes. 16 year old boys with hero complexes. So Nick didn't say anything, figured that it wasn't ever going to happen, until the flight back home when they were the only ones awake on the plane. "Are you afraid Kev?" Nick had asked sleepily, his eyes fighting to stay awake. "Not really. You Nicky?" "Yeah. I'm always afraid." Nick cursed himself for admitting his weakness and looked out the window, not caring that it was too dark to see anything. He jumped when he felt Kevin's arm wrap around his shoulders and bring him closer, causing Nick to be half laying on him. With a little trouble, Nick managed to wrap his arms around Kevin and settle his head on his chest. They lay there for a few minutes, just enjoying the silence. "You shouldn't worry so much Nicky. I would never let anything bad happen to you. I'd die before I let anything happen to you... I thought you knew that." Nick felt Kevin's lips softly kiss the top of his head and he smiled into Kevin's shirt, tightening his grip and letting sleep overtake him. I'll be your crying shoulder

		I'll be love suicide I'll be, better when I'm older I'll be the greatest fan of your life They'd arrived safely in North America, and after a great amount of work and effort, broke through the American charts. It didn't take too much time for them to become household names, their careers soaring farther than any of them could have imagined. They all realized that the five of them were the only ones they could trust, and the hardships that followed them to North America only served to bring them closer, tightening their bond. Girlfriends came and went, singles rose to the top of the charts, and Nick's love for Kevin only seemed to grow stronger with each minute. He had girlfriends, Kevin had girlfriends, but it seemed that no matter where their paths had taken them, they didn't stray too far from one another. Kevin once again became Nick's confidant, his outlet for advice and support. Things were much different than they were in Europe and Nick had trouble handling things, adjusting to the culture shock and the music industry. And with each hug, each word of advice, Nick knew his situation was hopeless. That he and Kevin would never be how he wanted to be. There was always a section of Kevin that was closed off from him, a part that was untouchable. Kevin would get this look in his eyes, those beautiful eyes that Nick still argued were his favourite feature of Kevin, and Nick knew that whatever it was that they were discussing was closed. That Kevin would retreat back into his shell, put on his 'game face' and be done with it. It was something that Nick could never understand, never comprehend. They had been through hell and back, everyone knew each other's deepest darkest secrets, but Kevin would never allow for anyone to see completely inside of him. He had to be the strong one, the dependable one and to be strong, you could not have any weakness. Letting people see you entirely, was a weakness according to Kevin, and as much as Nick hated it, he wouldn't let him in entirely. One of Nick's favourite pastimes was watching Kevin sleep. He hated it for the reason he couldn't see his eyes, but it was one of the only times Kevin wasn't entirely in control. He couldn't stop Nick from staring at him for hours, he couldn't control his dreams or his facial expressions, and Nick reveled in this little piece of reality. As high as Nick had put Kevin's pedestal, he knew that underneath it all, Kevin wasn't as strong as he led on and that made Nick love him more. He was just a man, and this was the man Nick wanted to spend his life with. Kevin was the man Nick wanted to become. Kevin had been there for almost all of Nick's firsts ...the big ones at least. He's been there the first time Nick had woken up with an erection, freaking out and not knowing what to do with it. He'd been the one to show Nick how to masturbate ...well not show him, but at least give him direction on how to do it, telling him what to expect when he came, telling him it was normal to not only do it, but do it often and enjoy it. He'd been there for Nick's first kiss with a girl, the first time he'd had an actual girlfriend and even given him the birds and the bees talk once they'd realized that he and Mandy were serious. Nick went to Kevin for sex advice, both actual penetration as well as oral sex, and in all was Nick's guru for all that puberty entailed. So now, at 21 Nick knew that Kevin was the only constant in his life. He had often wondered if these feelings were just that, because he had been there and it was out of gratitude. But then he realized that nothing could be further than the truth. Nick had been everywhere in the world, had access to the most beautiful people in the world, opportunities that very few were given in their lifetime, and these options, these experiences only made him realize that what he wanted, was what he already had. Kevin. But Kevin was now married to Kristin and that brought forth the aching reality that although Nick was in love with Kevin, Kevin wasn't in love with him. There was no hope, and this was something that Nick needed to desperately come to terms with. Nick couldn't have been more shocked in his life, than he was the night that Kevin had called him from Kentucky, asking him to come and visit him. Kristen had flown in for a few weeks to LA and Kevin was left at their house alone. Without a second thought, Nick was on the next flight and found himself on Kevin's porch, overlooking his vast farmland. They were sitting side by side on a swinging chair, shoulder's lightly pressed against each other. "I don't think it's working out Nick." Kevin said, his eyes darting from object to object, never meeting Nick's gaze. "What's not working out Kev?" "My marriage." His voice was devoid of emotion and Nick wondered how long it had been like this. Why he was just noticing at this moment how tired Kevin was, how sad his eyes were and how lacking his voice was of emotion. What had been so important for him to miss this? Nick couldn't pin point anything in particular, but he hated himself for not being more perceptive. He should have seen it. "How long." "A few years." That made Nick's head snap up. Their eyes met and Nick didn't even try to hide his confusion. "But.... You've only been married for 2.." Kevin silenced Nick with a look and it all made sense to him. The past few years had become increasingly

		clear and he didn't know how to proceed. "I know. It was a mistake." Kevin's voice was barely audible and full of emotion. This had taken a lot out of him to actually admit this to anyone, especially Nick. Out of all of the guys, Nick was the one that Kevin was the most uneasy around. He figured that he had to be the strong one, the one that was in control. He was the rock for everyone and liked being the foundation of the group. The guys depended on him, looked up to him and for him to show them weakness would diminish that. Nick's eyes watered as he saw the pain float through Kevin's eyes. He'd never seen Kevin allow so much emotion to spring forth, especially with him. It was known that when things got to be too much for Kevin, he'd shut himself off from the world. He would disappear for a while, deal with the shit and come back okay. Never once had he turned to Nick for assistance, guidance and Nick didn't know how to deal with it. "It's okay Kev. You don't always have to be the strong one." He whispered, wrapping an arm around Kevin protectively. That was the last straw, Nick felt Kevin's body stiffen and then finally all the tension flow out of him. Kevin leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and broke down, not caring about anything except for the fact that he was sitting there with Nick and he couldn't hold on any longer. "Yes I do... You have no idea how fucked up I am Nicky. You don't realize the mistakes I've made... You guys all think I have everything figured out, that I have everything under control but I don't." "What are you talking about? You're no more fucked up than the rest of us. You wanna know what I think is fucked up? That you don't know just how much we look up to you. How you think you have to hide the fact that you're just a man, a man like the rest of us. What are you so afraid of? Why won't you let us see you, the real you?" Nick was surprised at the anger with which his words were coming out. He felt the tears prick his eyes and he wiped them away forcefully. Kevin's jaw dropped and he looked up at Nick who was now standing in front of him. He couldn't say anything, the shock overriding everything. "Yeah you heard me. Do you realize that we will love you no matter what? You can make mistakes Kev... You can be less than perfect some of the time. That shit isn't important. I'm sure we can fill a book with the stupid things I've done and said.. But does that make you love me any less? Fuck... AJ went to fucking rehab ...that didn't change anything. Why do you think you have to be any different than the rest of us? Why won't you let us in?" "Because ...you have no idea what you're talking about Nick." Kevin's voice became unsettlingly calm, his eyes clear of emotion. He'd shut down, just like Nick had seen happen time after time. "Fuck you Kevin. You're doing it again. Look around. Fucking do it." Nick screamed, waiting for Kevin to do just what he'd demanded. Once Kevin had moved his head from left to right, surveying the area around them Nick began talking again. "Do you see anyone here? Anyone but the two of us? There are no cameras, no tape recorders.. No reporters. It's just us, so why the fuck are you shutting down? If there's something wrong, then just tell me." And as suddenly as the anger came, it left and Nick dropped to his knees, between Kevin's legs. "Please Kev. Just tell me what's so wrong that you think you can't tell me." Nick saw the conflict behind those beautiful green eyes that he loved so much. He saw the battled that was raging in Kevin's mind and he lifted his hand to caress the older man's cheek lovingly. "I don't... I can't... It's too hard..." Kevin sighed, closing his eyes. "It doesn't have to be." Nick whispered, running the pad of his thumb over Kevin's lips. This surprised him, causing his eyes to jerk open and settle on Nick's. As he looked into those crystal blue eyes, full of so much love and compassion, Kevin's breath caught somewhere in his chest. "You'll hate me." "Kevin.. I could never hate you. I've spent too much of my life in love with you, to be able to hate you." Nick had no idea how good it would feel to finally reveal his secret to someone ...to anyone ...to Kevin. In all the times he'd pictured this moment, the moment of truth, he never pictured it to be like this. But this was as good a time as any and it needed to be said. If not for Kevin, than for himself. Kevin's eyes clouded over and Nick could tell he was running the confession over through his mind. Picking it apart, analyzing it and over analyzing it. "Kevin, stop it. Don't try to pick it apart, just let it be. I'm in love with you. Since that first day at Lou's house, I fell in love with you, and with each experience I had, each day I've realized that there's nothing I can do about it. Whether or not you feel the same way won't affect it. It's how I feel. It's how it is." "Why? How?" Kevin asked, unable to believe what Nick was telling him. "Why not? I've got to love someone, and ....well it's you. It's always been you. For the past 8 years you've had my heart. Everything I've done has been for you ...hoping you'd see me."

		Kevin began to cry and wrapped his arms around Nick's broad shoulders, pulling the younger man close to him. "I saw you. I couldn't not see you. I've always seen you, I just tried to look past you." "Why?" "Because.. You were 13. It didn't matter that your smile made my day brighter, that your voice haunted my dreams, that your eyes were all I needed to know that love existed. You were so young and I couldn't do that to you. I never wanted to take advantage of you, to force anything on you, you weren't prepared for. So I just loved you from a distance. I had to let you grow up on your own, make your own choices, your own mistakes. There were so many times I just wanted to pull you close to me and kiss you, tell you that you mean so much to me and that I love you. Every time a girl made you feel like shit, I wanted to tell you that it was their problem, not yours. But you... I never thought that you'd...." A fresh wave of tears fell from Kevin's eyes and Nick leaned in closer, kissing each one away. "Shhhhh. It's okay Kev. We're here now." Kevin didn't know when Nick became so mature, but he was proud of the man that he'd become. He couldn't believe that the scrawny, bratty 13 year old kid that he'd met so long ago, had turned into the beautiful man kneeling in front of him soothing away his fears, kissing away his tears. This had happened so many times, but roles reversed, and now he understood the comfort that Nick felt, the safety that went along with being taken care of. Kevin wished that he could go back, and do so many things over, but was glad he couldn't. He wouldn't want to erase this feeling for the world. The feeling of being in Nick's arms, being loved unabashedly and unconditionally. "Let me take care of you Kev... Let me in." Nick pulled his face away from where he'd been leaning on Kevin's chest and rested his forehead on Kevin's, their noses touching. Kevin's response was barely a whisper, but said everything that Nick had been dreaming about. "Yes." Rain falls angry on the tin roof As we lie awake in my bed You're my survival, you're my living proof My love is alive and not dead Tell me that we belong together Dress it up with the trappings of love I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips Instead of the gallows of heartache, that hang from above As soon as Nick heard Kevin's answer he leaned up, softly covering the older man's mouth with his own. He'd always remember this kiss as the most beautiful kiss he'd ever had. Kevin's lips were soft and tentative, pliant under his own. Feeling a slight hesitation from Kevin, Nick pulled away and opened his eyes, smiling at the expression on Kevin's face. He had never seen Kevin look so amazed, so touched by anything, and the fact that it was him that made him look that way sent Nick's heart soaring. "Please.. Do that again." Kevin begged softly, without opening his eyes, a sigh escaping his lips. And so Nick did, this time kissing Kevin with all the pent up love he'd been feeling for 8 years. Kevin's mouth opened under his, allowing for their tongues to meet and taste one another, deepening the kiss considerably. Nick ran his fingers through Kevin's shoulder length hair, loving how silky it felt in his hands. As Nick sucked on Kevin's tongue, he swallowed a moan from the older man and leaned him back fully on the swing, raising himself from his position on the floor of the verandah. "Can we go..." He'd started, breaking the kiss to suck at Kevin's neck. "Inside.. Yeah..." Kevin answered, standing without breaking contact. They continued into the house like this, rushing to get inside, but not wanting to let go of one another long enough to get in there. After many kisses shared, and blind maneuvering of corners and stairs, they'd made it up to Kevin's guest bedroom. Nick broke from Kevin's mouth to look around, wondering why they were in the guest room rather than Kevin's bedroom. "Why here?" "I don't want to do this in our bed." The 'our' meaning his and Kristin's. "I will not be with you for the first time in a bed I've shared with my wife. I.." Kevin started before Nick cut him off with a kiss that made his knees go weak. "I love you baby." Nick moaned into his mouth, as his hands made their way to Kevin's shirt. Slowly, lovingly they began to undress one another, taking the time to love and caress every inch of each other's bodies until they stood before one another completely naked. They were both hard, their arousal plainly clear. Nick stepped in closer and wrapped his arms around Kevin's waist, pulling them tight against one another. "Tell me what you want Kevin. I've waited so long ..."

		He had to pause and take a breath. Kevin had never expected this to happen when he invited Nick up to the house. He hadn't known why he wanted him there, but he never let himself believe that this might result. Never let his hopes get to this point. Now was the time for truth and he had to think long and hard about what he wanted. As he was faced with the possibility, he knew that he didn't have to think hard about this at all, he knew what he wanted. What he'd always wanted. "I want to make love to you. I want you to feel how much I love you and what you do to me Nicky." Kevin breathed, reaching a hand down to Nick's erection and stroking firmly. Having Kevin touch him so intimately sent shivers through Nick's whole body and he had to fight with everything he had to not cum immediately. He wanted the first time he came, to be with Kevin, when Kevin came and so he'd have to try and hold on just a little longer. As Kevin confessed his desires, Nick pulled them back and crawled on the bed, motioning for Kevin to join him. Once they were both positioned, Nick on his back, Kevin between his legs, they shared one last kiss before Kevin placed his erection at Nick's entrance. Eyes locked on one another, Kevin began his decent inside of Nick's body, uniting the two lovers for the first time. It wasn't without discomfort and pain for Nick, but he knew that this was a necessary evil and was thankful. He was thankful for the pain because it would ultimately bring forth the pleasure he'd dreamed about for so long. The pleasure of loving and being loved by Kevin with no worries or fears, and most of all no restrictions. I've been dropped out, burned up Fought my way back from the dead Tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said As Kevin thrust in and out of Nick with a slow pace that was driving them to the brink of insanity, their eyes never left one another and their hands remained entwined above Nick's head. It was nothing like either had ever experienced before, and for both it was pure love. They knew that it wouldn't always be like this, so slow and reserved, for underneath the surface a fire burned. A fire that expressed the desire and the passion they felt about one another, but that wasn't what this was about right now. Right now was about exploration of feelings, love and boundaries. Kevin leaned down to whisper into Nick's ear, telling him of love and dreams and secrets he'd kept for so long. He spoke of things he never thought he would ever be able to voice out loud, and with blue eyes, open wide with tears and shock, Nick listened to Kevin spill his heart out to him. This was something Nick had never thought would happen, that Kevin would let him in completely and see everything, see his hea rt. And when they both thought that it couldn't get any better, Kevin slipped one hand in between them and started to stroke Nick, speeding up his orgasm.
		With a cry from Kevin, and a moan from Nick, both men came simultaneously, clutching onto one another tightly. Their mouths connected and as their orgasms washed over them, they swallowed each other's words of love and adoration. Unable to hold himself up any longer, Kevin allowed himself to fall to the side of Nick, not wanting to crush his lover. Nick placed a kiss on Kevin's forehead before making his way to the bathroom and cleaned up, not wanting to stay all sweaty and sticky all day. He didn't picture them getting out of bed any time soon, and figured that he should at least be comfortable. As he made his way back to the bed, he noticed Kevin's eyes closed and figured he had fallen asleep. Trying not to wake him, Nick slipped under the covers and jumped when he felt Kevin pull him into his warm embrace. "You are so beautiful Nicky. Thank you." Making themselves comfortable, Nick snuggled further into the bed against Kevin. "For what love." "For loving me. For loving me no matter what, even when I was a dick to you, a complete asshole... I mean shit Nick. The crap I've given you over the years.... I don't know if I would still love me after how I've treated you ...but you do." "Of course I do Kev. I love you more for it, because I always knew you cared. You wouldn't have been such an ass if you didn't care at least a little. I knew you'd never let anything happen to me. You told me you loved me too much to let anything happen to me. Do you remember that?" Of course he did, but Kevin was shocked that Nick remembered. He hadn't even been sure that the younger man had even heard him before falling asleep. But he had, and after all these years he still remembered. "I remember everything when it comes to you Nicky." As they lay in the guest bedroom of Kevin's house, both men settled comfortably, thanking whoever was responsible for Kevin picking up the phone and calling Nick to come to Kentucky. Who would have thought that when Lou Pearlman had promised them so many years ago that a group called the Backstreet Boys would be the vessel to make all their dreams come true, how right he would be. I'll be your crying shoulder I'll be love suicide I'll be, better when I'm older I'll be the greatest fan of your life