< Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Nick missed Justin. He was happy that his best friend was so happy with Chris, but at the same time, wished that it didn’t have to interfere with their friendship as well. Where Justin had used to make a conscious effort to spend equal amounts of time with both his friends and Chris, it was beginning to be that Nick only ever saw Justin in class, and even then they couldn’t talk because they were doing their work.

They would be seeing each other at Lance’s party on Saturday night, which Nick had been excited for until Justin had asked if Chris could come as well. Lance had flashed Nick a questioning look, which turned into a frown when Nick stood up and quickly remembered he had to drop something off at the office. "So, can he come?" Justin asked hopefully. Lance didn’t necessarily mind if Chris came, because the more the merrier, and he and Chris were friends as well, but at the same time he knew that Nick had been hoping for some one on one time with Justin, which would be nearly impossible with Chris looming.

"Yeah, totally." Lance replied. His mind was still on his party Friday and what kind of present AJ was going to be giving him.

~*~*

"I’m gonna chill with Chris for lunch today," Justin announced on Thursday morning as he stopped by Nick and Justin’s lockers. The girls had already gone off, talking about something or other, leaving Lance and Nick alone to chat. Justin’s appearance had taken both boys off guard as he rarely came by in the mornings to visit them anymore.

"Yeah?" Nick asked, his voice particularly cold. He didn’t know why Justin felt the need to let them know he wasn’t coming, as he hadn’t been eating with them for at least two weeks, probably longer if Nick took the time to check his calendar.

"I just thought I’d let you know," Justin was taken back by the tone of Nick’s voice. He looked at Lance who wouldn’t meet his eye.

"Why’s today so special?" Nick hadn’t intended on confronting Justin, but he missed him so much and was starting to feel like he was losing his best friend.

"What’s wrong with you?" Justin asked hotly. He hadn’t expected to be attacked and immediately jumped to the defensive.

"Never mind," Nick rolled his eyes. "If you don’t know why I’m upset, then I’m not telling you." He slammed his locker shut and was about to say something else when a fourth person joined them, quite possibly the worst person to arrive at that time.

"Hey guys." Chris’ smile waned when he saw the angry look on Justin’s face, the worried look on Lance’s and the look of hatred on Nick’s.

"Oh of course. It figures you’d be right along," Nick growled in frustration. "God forbid WE get any time with him." Before anyone could speak, Nick pushed through the space between Lance and Justin and stormed down the hall. He was so angry he didn’t see Kevin turning the corner and smile at him.

"What is wrong with him?" Kevin asked, slightly concerned. "He looked ready to kill."

"I don’t know what his problem is," Justin spat.

It was obvious that through Justin’s anger he was hurt and Chris wrapped his arm around Justin’s shoulders. He caught Lance’s eye and saw something he couldn’t recognize there. The look Lance shot him caused for him to pull away from Justin slightly.

"You really don’t?" Lance asked kindly but firmly. "You have no idea why he’d be upset?"

Justin shook his head. "No. He hasn’t said anything to me about anything."

Lance gave Justin a look that said ‘and? but Justin missed it. He only shrugged, which caused Lance to throw his hands in the air.

"When was the last time you spoke to him?" Like TALKED to him Justin?"

Justin thought back and realized he couldn’t remember. "I don’t know, Chrissy’s party?"

Chris shook his head. "No, you didn’t. He stopped by where we were talking and you said maybe five sentences to him before we started talking again and he went to talk to someone else." It was then that Chris realized what the problem was. It was him.

"Well, then ..." Justin fought to think further back. "I don’t know. But what does that have to do with anything? I mean, it’s not like you and AJ aren’t always together on your own."

"And Christina’s always with Josh." Chris said.

"And Nick’s all alone."

"So's Brit..." Justin tried to argue, knowing that the argument was weak.

"Brit, who isn’t his best friend," Lance said gingerly. He didn’t want to further upset Justin. "You’ve completely ditched him for Chris, and he’s a little upset. I don’t blame him."

"But Chris and I are together. Of course we want to spend time together," Justin was defensive. He didn’t think he should have to give up his boyfriend because Nick didn’t have one. It wasn't fair. "He can’t be mad at me because I have a boyfriend and he doesn’t."

"Don’t start that shit again." Lance was getting angry. "You made the Varsity team and he didn’t, you discounted his feelings and look how that turned out. Do you want that? Is your relationship with Chris worth his friendship? Because if you’re going to keep up the way you are, you’re going to come to school one day to find that Nick has completely moved on and left you behind." Lance shot Chris an apologetic look for discussing him so openly in front of him, but Justin needed to be woken up from the daze he was in. "He doesn’t hate you because you have a boyfriend, he’s hurt that you’ve left him behind. You don’t need him anymore, he doesn’t want all of your time Justin, he just wants to know there’s still room in your life for him."

Justin crossed his arms over his chest, feeling like a child that had been scolded. Everything Lance was saying made sense, but he hated the fact that he hadn’t realized it was happening. "There’s always going to be room in my life for him, he’s the most important person to me, at least one of them anyways."

"Then make sure he knows that. Let him know."

The bell rang and Justin gave a morose sigh. "Fine, I’ll eat lunch with you guys."

"Don’t do it if you don’t want to Justin. If you’re going to make it seem like a chore, you might as well just stay away," Lance said coolly.

"No, I do want to." He looked at Chris who had a look of guilt on his face.

"Well I wouldn’t worry about it anyways, he probably won’t show up now. Odds are he’ll be in the art room for lunch, he does that when he’s upset about something," Lance said with a shrug. "So do whatever you want."

Lance shut his locker door and headed down the hall towards his homeroom, leaving Justin and Chris alone. Kevin had exited when Nick stormed down the hall, knowing that the blonde would probably need some support. Justin turned to Chris, his face full of remorse. "I’m the worst friend ever."

Chris shook his head, wanting to reassure Justin. He knew all too well how Nick was feeling, which made the whole interaction hurt that much more. There had been countless times in the past when Kevin, Joey and Brian had girlfriends, leaving him as the odd man out. It was always him on the losing end of things, so for Nick to be left out in the cold while everyone else had a significant other was something he could relate to. "It’s not your fault J."

"It IS my fault."

Chris snarled at Justin, backing him up against the locker. Almost instantly, Justin’s hand went to Chris’ wallet chain. They stood there, staring at one another. "Eat lunch in the quad with your friends."

"But..."

"Is Nick the only one you’ve been avoiding?" Justin shook his head. "I’m certain that they’re missing you too. So go, be with your friends, I have someone I want to talk to."

"Nick?" Justin felt uneasy at the prospect of Chris and Nick talking, especially about him. The last thing he wanted was his boyfriend and best friend hating each other. He felt his stomach churn when Chris nodded.

"Yeah. I want to talk to him about a few things."

"You’re not going to hurt him, are you?" Justin meant physically and emotionally, he knew Chris understood.

"Of course not. He’s your best friend J, if we’re going to be spending a lot of time together, I’m going to have to spend time with him too. Lance is right, you can’t avoid your friends forever. I mean, I love our alone time, but there are other people who want to see you too."

Justin frowned. He wished that things didn’t have to be as difficult as they were. Thinking about the look on Nick’s face earlier, he realized how much he missed his best friend. Justin felt tears pricking the corners of his eyes. "Do you think he hates me?"

"Nick could never hate you," Chris pointed out. "If he did, he wouldn’t be so hurt." Making sure that there was no one in the hall, Chris leaned in to softly kiss Justin’s temple, the way he did with his sisters when he was trying to calm them down. It worked because Justin’s mouth formed a small smile.

"I love when you’re all sweet and caring," he whispered softly. Chris’ cheeks burned causing Justin’s smile to form a giant grin.

"Yeah yeah," Chris grumbled. He tugged Justin’s arm as they headed towards the office. "We’ve got to get late slips now, lets go."

Justin grinned all the way to first period.

~*~*~*~

Nick couldn’t wait until next year when he was back in art class and got to sit in this room every single day. Since Christmas, he’d only been in a few times and each time he returned, he vowed to be back sooner. Preferring the silence to music filler that day, he set up an easel and started to paint, losing himself in the therapy of the actions. The door opening behind him caught his attention, but Nick didn’t move until the person that had joined him pulled a stool up directly beside him. He was just about to give AJ shit for bothering him when he turned his head, surprised to see Chris staring at him.

Nick frowned and went back to his painting, ignoring his company.

"Hi."

Silence. The only sound in the room was the deep breath Nick took, trying to expel the frustration.

"Are you busy?"

"Actually..." Nick didn’t look at Chris. He knew he shouldn’t be mad at Chris, but he couldn’t help it. It was more of a mixture between being mad at Chris and being mad at Justin, and since Chris was there, he was the target of Nick’s frustration. "I am kind of busy. So if you wouldn’t mind..." A thought occurred to Nick and he broke his vow to not look at Chris. "How did you know to find me here?"

"Lance told us." Chris ignored Nick’s growl.

"I want to be alone."

"I don’t think you do, which is why I’m here. We need to talk."

"I don’t want to talk to you. I want to talk to my best friend, who isn’t my best friend anymore."

"He’s not?" Chris said, surprised.

"No, he’s yours now. You’ve taken him away." Nick’s voice trembled as he said it. He took another deep breath and sighed. "Just ...treat him good. Or else."

Chris’ lips curled into a smile and he felt butterflies in his stomach. The bond between Justin and Nick was nothing like he’d ever seen before. He wished he had someone who loved him as unconditionally as they loved each other. Chris couldn’t help but respect Nick’s loyalty to his best friend. "He’s still your best friend Nick, that hasn’t changed."

The laugh was loud and bitter, Nick rolled his eyes and turned to face Chris. "Oh yeah? Where has he been? Huh? Where has he been every time I need someone to talk to? Where is he when I’m so confused and scared and... Where is he when I need him? Oh you know where? With you. He’s ALWAYS with you! When do I get him?"

Chris cringed, he hadn’t realized how deep Nick’s hurt ran and he felt his heart throb for the blonde. "Nick.."

"No. NO, it’s my turn to talk okay? Whenever we make plans, he always brings you. Whenever I try to do something with just the two of us, you need him more and he tells me we’ll do it some other time. Everything revolves around you, just like Lance and AJ have each other, Brit’s got Billy and Chrissy’s got Josh. I have no one. No one wants me and..."

Chris hadn’t anticipated the tears, and once Nick started, he didn’t stop.

"And I’m all alone, except no one cares because they’re always so busy with someone else. I’m falling apart and no one has even noticed."

"Kevin’s noticed," Chris said. He realized too late that was probably the worst thing to say.

"Oh and Kevin. Kevin who likes to kiss me and tell me one thing, but then when I get my hopes up he kills them. And I don’t know why he doesn’t want me. Why doesn’t he want me Chris?" The anger had gone out of Nick and was replaced with sadness and defeat. "What is so wrong with me that he doesn’t want me? Why does everyone have someone but me?"

"Nick, you’re fifteen. You have plenty of time..."

"So? Justin’s fifteen. Lance is still FOURTEEN and he’s been with Alex for like six months or something. It’s not about my age so don’t pull that shit with me. I hate how you guys all think you’re better and more mature than us because you’re a few years older. And I don’t care that I don’t have someone, but when everyone else does and I don’t, it just leaves me alone and no one wants to be with me."

Chris’s stomach churned sickly and he was glad he hadn’t eaten before seeking Nick out. He had the worst case of the nerves that he could remember in a long time. He was so afraid of saying the wrong thing and making things worse for Justin and Nick. Chris pulled the blonde close and hugged him tight. Nick fought the contact at first, but finally collapsed against Chris’ body in exhaustion. "I’m so sorry," Chris whispered.

"Why doesn’t Kevin want me? Why doesn’t anyone want me Chris?"

With a glance to the door, Chris vowed to kill his best friend. He had warned Kevin after Valentine’s day to keep away from Nick, and if that wasn’t possible, to be as honest with him as possible. Not let the blonde get too attached to him if he wasn't planning on taking anything further. Kevin hadn’t listened and it looked as though Nick was paying the price. Chris knew that their friendship wasn’t entirely platonic from reports from Kevin about how they sometimes kissed, or went on non-dates or would spend all night talking on the phone about anything and everything. Chris warned him every time that it was going to hurt Nick, but Kevin assured him that he had it all under control. Considering Nick was a wreck, sobbing and trembling in his arms, Chris was certain that Kevin had nothing under control.

"Nick, Kevin’s not sure what he wants."

"But.."

"No, you listen to me. He likes you Nick, more than he should. And considering the crap his parents would give him if they found out, he’s been risking a lot being with you how he’s been so far. So you can’t believe that he doesn’t care about you at all. He does."

"But.."

"No. It’s not debatable. You’ve gotten under his skin more than Gretchen ever could, and they were together for a long time. I know how you feel Nick, about everything. I know what it’s like to see your best friends with girlfriends or boyfriends and have nothing. Feeling that you’re a third wheel or left out because you’re alone. I’ve lived my whole life like that, and it makes me feel horrible that we’ve done that to you."

Nick blew his nose in a Kleenex that he’d gotten from Mrs. Edwards’ desk. He sat back down and listened to what Chris had to say.

"But you have to know, Justin hasn’t forgotten you. We’ve gotten a little wrapped up in each other, but he misses you."

"He sure has a shitty way of showing it."

Chris took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I’m not going to say I’m sorry that I spend so much time with him, because I’m not. I love being around him, and I love it when he’s around me. He makes my days so much more bearable, but I know I can’t hog him. It’s just hard because there’s never been anyone I’ve felt this way about before."

Now Nick was starting to feel guilty about being upset. That made him start to get angry. "You’re not going to make me feel bad about wanting to be with my best friend," he snapped. Chris only shook his head.

"You’re misunderstanding me. I don’t want you to feel bad, I think you’re right."

"But you just said..."

"I know what I said, it’s hard to explain and harder to understand. I can’t apologize for something that I am enjoying so much. Of course I want Justin all to myself, I know I can’t have it, but I do."

"You do have it," Nick argued angrily. "You do have him all to yourself."

"And that’s why I’m here. To talk to you about it." Chris said softly. "I know I’m probably the last person you want to talk to right now, but Justin’s really worried that you hate him. I’m worried that you hate me."

"I don’t hate him," Nick said as he looked at the door. "I just miss him. I miss us."

"I know you do," Chris tried not to look visibly offended that Nick hadn’t addressed his worry. He was just grateful for Justin’s sake that Nick didn’t hate him. "He misses you too. He was really upset this morning when he saw how angry you were. And you have to know, he hasn’t been avoiding you on purpose."

Nick sighed and closed his eyes. He’d be getting no more painting done that lunch hour. "Thanks." He saw how surprised Chris was. Nick couldn’t help but laugh. "I know you probably think I’m a basket case or a nut bar, but I’m not." Nick thought about it for a second before amending his statement. "Maybe I am, but I’m harmless. Really."

Despite the inner turmoil that Chris was feeling, he offered a smile. "I think we’re more alike than you think Nick."

Nick cocked his head to the side, contemplating Chris’ revelation. He finally gave a shrug and a nod. "It’s probably why you get along so well with Justin." He stood up and started to put the supplies he’d used away. Chris hadn’t moved, he simply sat on his stool and watched Nick curiously. "You know," Nick said without looking at the senior. "I don’t hate you, if that’s what you’re worried about."

Chris couldn’t hide the surprise on his face. He blushed and tried to cover the shock up. "I don’t know what you’re talking about."

"You said he was afraid I hated him and you were afraid I hated you. I don’t. You don’t have to worry."

"Even if you were, you wouldn’t tell me."

Nick paused so that he could look at Chris. He raised an eyebrow and studied him for a moment. Finally, when he found what he was looking for he shook his head. "You’re wrong, I would tell you. And if I didn’t do it in so many words, you’d know. I can’t lie well, especially not about my feelings."

It was another way in which he and Nick were similar. Chris fought to reverse the roles, he as Justin’s best friend and Nick as the person that had stolen him away. It was equally as possible, and Chris had spent many a night thinking about fate and how he’d ended up with Justin when it was so clear that he and Nick were meant to be. Chris knew from watching the two, that there wasn’t anything beyond complete love and adoration between them, but it wasn’t a romantic nor a sexual love. It went deeper than that, which Chris couldn’t be sure was reassuring or competition. But with each time Justin kissed him, or smiled at him, or just spoke to him, Chris felt like he was the only person in the room, and not just that, the only person in the room that mattered. And that was why he loved spending so much time with his angel, because he was saving Chris from himself.

"Then you know that I can’t either. And I want us to be friends. If not for Justin’s sake, than for the reason that I do find you particularly cool."

Nick scrunched up his nose, turning red at the compliment. "No you don’t, you’re just saying that."

"I’ve seen you take on two people twice your size at once and not back down, I’ve seen how you get when someone hurts one of the people you care about, and I know that you love with as much power and force as you hate, both which are intense and impressive." Chris nodded as Nick looked away. "I’m serious Nick, you fight for what you believe in and you don’t care who says what about you. That is, in my books, cool. Really, un-fucking-believably cool. And the thing that you don’t realize is, Justin does too. Just because he hasn’t been around to spend time with you, doesn’t mean he’s forgotten you. Sometimes he talks about you so much, it’s like you’re there with us, and ...to be honest, you’re a tough person to compete with."

"You don’t have to say that, you know."

"I know, and I’m not. I really mean it Nick, I wouldn’t lie to you."

Although he wouldn’t admit it, Nick’s pulse raced at Chris’ compliments. "Well, thank you."

"And I know you don’t want to talk about him, but Kevin adores you just as much."

Nick’s eyes narrowed and he growled. "You’re right, I don’t want to talk about him."

"That’s fair," Chris agreed. They were silently regarding one another for a few moments. A lot had been said but neither were all too sure of where they stood. "I was thinking, I don’t have to baby sit my sisters tonight, so did you want to maybe do something? The three of us?"

Nick felt a little uneasy about being a third wheel and didn’t want the invite if Chris felt he had to. "You don’t have to invite me you know."

"I know. But we aren’t really doing much anyways, we were just going to go to the school yard and play some basketball. There’s always a game going on, and if you’re not busy, we could all go."

"Ask Justin if it’s okay," Nick said softly. "I don’t want to come if he wants it to be just you and him. And I don’t want to come if you or he feels like I’m forcing myself on you."

"He won’t. I don’t."

"Ask him anyways."

Chris nodded and Nick gave him a smile.

"Thank you though, for coming to talk to me."

"I just wanted you to know that I’ve been where you are, and we’re both on the same team here. Plus, I wanted to apologize for taking up all of his time."

It was nearly time for fourth period to start as the kids were beginning to enter the art room in preparation for their class. Nick nodded towards the door with Chris following soon behind. They said their good byes in the hall as they headed off into different directions.

As Nick and Lance were heading towards World Studies, Justin ran to catch up with them. "Nick, Lance," he called out. He breathed a sigh of relief as his two friends stopped and gave him a chance to take a few breaths. Justin wanted nothing more than to talk to Nick about his talk with Chris earlier that day. He’d already spoken to Chris about it, but wanted to hear Nick’s side of it as well. Chris told him that Nick swore that he didn’t hate him, but Chris hadn’t felt too confident with Nick’s delivery. He still figured that Nick was humoring him while inside resented Chris for taking his best friend away.

When Justin had caught his breath, they entered the classroom and took their usual seats. Nick and Justin both turned to each other at the same time, laughing at the nervous looks on each other’s faces.

"So, you’re like coming tonight right?" Justin asked, his voice was full of hope. When Chris had suggested they go play basketball at the school yard the week before Justin thought he was kidding. What he hadn’t realized was that Chris did enjoy basketball, and honestly, wasn’t that bad at it. He wouldn’t have lasted long on an actual team, as Chris preferred much more to goof around and shoot the ball haphazardly, but he was still fun to play ball with. The last time they’d gone was a few days earlier, and Justin had thought about calling Nick to join them, but every time he picked up the phone to call, something stopped him and he pushed it out of his mind. As Chris confessed between fourth and fifth periods that he’d invited Nick, Justin was more than happy to have his best friend join them. But the challenge was having Nick realize that he truly was wanted and not an object of pity.

"I don’t know..."

"Oh dude, you so need to come. Please come."

Nick raised an eyebrow. "Do you really want me to come? Honestly? Because if you just want to be alone with Chris, I’ll understand."

There were a million smart assed remarks that Justin could make, but he knew that this was too sensitive an issue to joke about. So instead, he bit his tongue and said "I do want you to come Nicky. I miss you and it’s been forever since we’ve hung out. I know that I’m an awful friend, but I want to start making it up to you. So please come with us, I think you’ll have a great time."

"You’re not going to spend all day making out, are you?" Nick asked, genuinely concerned. "Because if you are, I..."

"We’re not." Justin assured him. They looked at one another until finally Nick relented. "Okay, I’ll come."

Justin’s face broke out into a smile and he danced around in his seat. "I’m so excited, I really want you and Chris to get along."

"Why?"

"Because you’re my two favourite people in the world, and if you don’t like each other then I don’t know what I’ll do." Justin’s face suddenly turned serious and he put his hand on Nick’s arm to get his attention. "I really was serious," he started. "I’m sorry that I’ve been so wrapped up in Chris lately, I haven’t meant to be and I’m going to stop."

"Stop what?" Nick didn’t want him to stop hanging around with Chris entirely, just to hang out with him at least some of the time.

"Stop pushing everything out of the way for Chris. I realize that’s what I’ve been doing and ... Chris told me how upset you were today, about everything. And it made me sad that you’re going through all of this stuff and have no one to turn to."

"Hey," Lance said softly from the other side of Nick. "You still have me."

Nick furrowed his eyebrows and flashed Justin a strange look. He didn’t want to upset Lance, but Nick felt that he’d been less accessible than Justin, and for much longer. "Right."

"What?" Lance said. "You do."

"I don’t mean to be rude," Nick proceeded with caution. "But you and AJ are worse than Chris and Justin for exclusiveness."

Instead of getting angry which Lance knew Nick was expecting, he blushed and ducked his head. It was the truth and since no one had said anything, he figured that no one had necessarily noticed. "It doesn’t mean you can’t come to us."

Justin nodded his head. "He’s right. It doesn’t matter how busy I am with Chris, with anything, I’m not too busy for you. Either of you."

"Same with me," Lance agreed.

Nick only shrugged. "I’m never busy with anything, so you don’t have to worry about it."

Justin wrapped his arms around his best friend comfortingly. "He’ll come around Nicky, he has to. From what Chris says, he can’t believe that it’s gotten this far out of control, and it’s his best friend we’re talking about here."

The classroom door closed as their teacher entered the room and strode across the room to the front of the class. Nick, Justin and Lance all shot each other meaningful looks before settling in their seats for class to begin.

End Chapter 40


Chapter 41 >