< Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Nick didn’t have a clue as to what was going on with him and Kevin. He knew he loved how the senior stopped at his locker every morning to say hi to him, and he knew that he loved how every so often, he’d look up in Computer Studies to see Kevin at the door, stopping to wave at him, but beyond the flirting and teasing, he was clueless. Kevin still maintained, to the point where Nick stopped bringing it up, that they were friends and that was all they could be. They were friends that every so often, would kiss each other. Friendly. With tongues, so very friendly.

They had agreed to not analyze or think too hard about it, but as much as Nick professed that he would follow the rules, he couldn’t. Kevin was on his mind as much, if not more, than before he’d had the courage on Valentine’s Day to confess his feelings for Kevin. Before that time, he hadn’t been sure whether or not Kevin felt the same about him, but now that he knew and they still weren’t together, Nick couldn’t think about anyone else.

The weekend that his parents had decided to go visit his grandparents, leaving him alone as they took his brother and sisters only added to Nick’s confusion.

He had originally been supposed to go with them, as they never let him stay home alone before. He’d never wanted to, but there had never been the option before, so the thought to not go hadn’t even occurred to Nick. What his parents hadn’t realized, was that the first week of May was the week of the Lincoln High production of the Wizard of Oz, and the weekend he was supposed to be at his grandparents house, was the weekend of the huge cast party that they’d been looking forward to forever.

Discussions had been long and painful, Nick wanting to go with his family, but at the same time wanting to stay home. His parents were reluctant to let him stay alone, but at fifteen, he assured them he would be okay for one night. Friday would be the only night he would be home by himself, as they had planned a giant party and sleep over for the Saturday. The Aguileras were holding the cast party at their house, and once the guests were gone, Nick, Justin and their whole gang were going to be camping out in the backyard. Or at least the plan was to camp out in the backyard, judging by the way spring hadn’t necessarily sprung that early, they were probably going to just camp out in the basement. But still, it was an all inclusive slumber party.

"Fine, you can stay alone. But Lynn is aware that you are alone and if you need anything, let her know." Bob Carter had said warmly as he hugged his son good bye for the weekend.

Jane wasn’t so quick to leave. "Why don’t you just stay at Justin’s tonight too sweetie?"

"Moooom, how am I supposed to learn to stay alone if you won’t let me?"

Bob gave his wife a knowing look which she returned with a growl. "Fine, forgive me for worrying about my baby boy."

"I thought I was your baby boy?" Aaron said as he threw his bag in front of the door. Rather than leaving right after school, the Carters had agreed to leave from home so that they could make sure Nick would be okay alone.

"You’re just a baby," Nick teased. I’m HER baby."

The two boys started to play fight until Bob pulled the youngest Carter off of his brother and carried him to the door. He dropped him next to his duffle bag. "If I recall, the trunk is outside, attached to the car. I didn’t see a bell hop when I drove in today, put it in there yourself."

Aaron, who was four years younger than Nick pouted, looking at his mother for assistance. She put her hands up and shrugged. "I’m the maid AND the cook here, my job description said nothing except carrying YOU for nine months. Your luggage wasn’t in the deal."

Twenty minutes later, the Carters, minus Nick, were all packed safely in their SUV. "We’ll call when we get there," Jane said as she kissed Nick through the open window. He waved good bye to his family and when they were gone from view, he raced inside.

The night was spent eating microwave popcorn, ice cream and all of the things his mother wouldn’t let him eat for dinner. It wasn’t until he was laying on the couch, with a stomach ache that he realized she was right when she’d forbade him to eat all of that junk, especially all at once.

He looked at the clock, picturing Christina doing her bows. It was after ten thirty, and knowing from what she’d told him, the show was three hours, with an intermission in the middle. Curtain was seven thirty and as much as they’d all wanted to go see her every single night, the gang had decided to go to the closing night performance. Well, except for Josh and Britney who were going every night.

Nick turned the small TV he had in his room off at midnight and curled up with a book, hoping to read until he fell asleep. He’d securely locked all the windows and doors, so at one o’clock, when he was woken up by the sound of someone knocking on his door, he was startled. Laying rigid in his bed, Nick strained to hear if the sound repeated itself.

It did.

With his pulse racing, Nick grabbed a baseball bat from the linen cupboard where they hid it, in one hand and the cordless phone in the other. He crept down the stairs and towards the door, heart in his throat. He had no idea who would be at his door at one in the morning on a Friday night and when he peeked through the curtains, was shocked to find Kevin Richardson on the other side. With a giant sigh of relief and adrenaline still pumping through his veins, he opened the door and scowled at him.

Kevin heard the locks disarm and the door opened. He was shocked to find Nick standing there, white as a ghost with a bat in one hand and a phone in the other. It was clear that he had scared the daylights out of him and Kevin gave an embarrassed smile as he blushed. "Did I wake you up?"

"What do YOU think?" Nick asked. He grabbed Kevin’s sleeve and pulled him in forcefully before slamming the door and relocking everything. When he had the alarm system activated he could breathe again. "I thought you were some mass murderer coming to kill me!!"

"By knocking on the front door?" Kevin asked with a smirk. Nick’s pulse raced at Kevin’s smile, but he didn’t miss the way his eyes were red and bloodshot, as well as a little bit puffy, as if he’d been crying.

"How else is he going to get into the house?" Nick said with the roll of his eyes. "He’s going to knock on the door so that he doesn’t raise any suspicions. He’ll make up a story that his car broke down and has to call for help, so when I let him inside, he murders me. Duh!"

Despite the fact that Kevin wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball and cry, he laughed at Nick’s vivid imagination. This was exactly why he had decided to come to Nick’s house, because he knew that Nick would have the power to make him feel better, moreso than anyone else right now. "You’re too much," Kevin said as he ruffled Nick’s matted down hair.

The mood became serious quickly and both Nick and Kevin were holding their breath. They stood in the front hall, looking at one another when Nick realized that Kevin Richardson was standing in his house, at quarter after one in the morning, without his parents anywhere in sight. "Are you okay?" He asked softly. The smile had left Kevin’s face and was replaced with that same lost look he’d had on his face when Nick opened the door. Not to mention his lower lip was quivering, a sign that he was fighting tears.

"No." Kevin looked around, he wondered if Nick’s parents were going to come out at any minute to yell at him for being over so late. In fact, Kevin was wondering why Nick had answered the door and not anyone else. "Is ...where are your parents?"

Nick shrugged. "At my grandparents house. I’m home alone this weekend." Nick grinned as he tugged Kevin’s sleeve towards the stairs. "You wanna take this somewhere other than my front hall? Seeing that you’re not a mass murderer."

Kevin paused for a moment and took a deep breath. "I can’t ... I ..."

"Do you want to stay here tonight?" Nick asked. He felt his stomach flip at the grateful smile Kevin gave him.

"Can I? I can’t go home and there’s nowhere else right now.. I’m sorry for being such a pain."

"Come on," Nick headed up the stairs, motioning for Kevin to follow. He grabbed the air mattress from where it was residing on Aaron’s floor and dragged it into his room. He would have loved to share his bed with Kevin, except he wasn’t sure if that was a wise idea. But moreso there was the problem that it wasn’t big enough. Nick still only had a single bed, and both teens wouldn’t be able to sleep comfortably on it. So instead, he set up the mattress right beside his bed, fit it with sheets and blankets. Kevin sat on the edge of Nick’s bed numbly, while Nick quickly got everything ready. "Do you need anything?"

Kevin shrugged. Nick grabbed a pair of sweats and a tee shirt from his dresser and handed them to Kevin. "I’m going to go get some juice for us, change into this and I’ll be right back. Nick went downstairs to give Kevin some privacy. When he returned, Kevin was curled up on the makeshift bed on the floor. Nick handed him a glass of juice, which he accepted gratefully. Nick crawled into his own bed and laid on the edge of his bed so that he could look down at Kevin.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Nick reached down to softly touch Kevin’s shoulder. He was surprised when Kevin reached up to thread their fingers together. He held their clasped hands against his chest and with troubled eyes, looked up at Nick. Kevin nodded, but didn’t start talking right away. Instead, he took a few calming breaths and let the fact that he was in Nick’s house and going to sleep on his floor sink into his mind. When he felt he was ready, he started talking.

"I can’t be at home tonight."

"Why?" Nick asked, concerned. "What happened?"

Kevin blinked his eyes and let a few tears fall out. He was so tired and confused and frustrated. There was so much to say that he didn’t know where to begin. "My father is expecting me to go out east to school."

Nick wanted to cry that out east was too far and if Kevin went that far away he’d never see him again, which would be the worst thing ever to happen to him, but he didn’t. This wasn’t about him, it was about Kevin.

"I don’t want to go out there. It’s too far away and too much pressure. He wants me to go there to do pre-law or pre-med. He has a plan for me."

"What kind of plan?"

"He wants me to graduate high school, then go out east for school. Maybe New York or Boston. Then when I graduate I’ll go to law school or medical school and then when I’m finally done that, I’ll get married and start a family."

Nick wrinkled his nose at Kevin’s father’s plan. "Are you kidding?"

Kevin shook his head. "No. That’s what he is demanding I do. He’ll pay for it all if I do that. But if I don’t, he won’t pay for anything. My mother assures me that he’s just overreacting and they’ll pay for my schooling no matter what, but I know she’s disappointed that I don’t want to follow his plan."

Nick tightened his hold on Kevin’s hand and gave him a sympathetic smile. "What do YOU want to do?"

Silence filled the room and Nick waited for Kevin to respond. A fleeting thought to call both Lance and Justin, even Christina, flashed in his mind and he pushed it away. He’d have time to analyze everything in the morning when Kevin was gone. Right now, he was focused on Kevin and the crisis he was having.

"I want to play football. I want to study environmental resources. I want to find out who I am and what I want, because right now I don’t know."

"Doesn’t your father understand that?" Nick asked naively. Kevin’s sharp laughter cut him off.

"He doesn’t care. If it isn’t in accordance with HIS plan, then it doesn’t matter. He thinks I’m throwing my life away."

"I don’t think you are," Nick whispered in awe. He couldn’t even imagine having to pick what he wanted to do for the rest of his life, although he knew that in three years he was going to have to do just that.

"It’s just so hard," Kevin said as he started to cry once more. Kevin had always known what type of person his father was, yet somehow he had believed that his own children were saved his wrath. He’d been mistaken, as he’d found out earlier that night over dinner when they were discussing acceptance letters and what Kevin was planning on doing when he received them. His father had given him one option, one that Kevin wasn’t interested in and so he offered an alternate option. Kevin’s voice hadn’t been heard. His father had long since stopped listening, and his mother would always side with his father. Kevin was on his own.

Nick could feel Kevin’s whole body shaking and his heart went out to the senior. There was so much he wanted to do to help him, but wasn’t sure how. So instead, he did the one thing he knew he would want if he was as lost and upset as Kevin was. Nick pulled his hand from Kevin’s. When the older boy looked at him in surprise, Nick only smiled and slid from his bed to the mattress on the floor. He crawled over Kevin to rest against his side, holding Kevin close. Nick held his breath, hoping that he wasn’t going too far. Much to his relief, Kevin let out a deep sigh and curled up in Nick’s arms, allowing himself to be held.

With each run of Nick’s fingers through his long hair, Kevin felt his body relax. He refused to let himself think about anything except the feel of Nick’s arms around him, their bodies pressed together in comfort and the way Nick was whispering to him that everything would be okay and he was glad that Kevin came to him. Kevin had originally contemplated going to one of his friends’ houses. They would most definitely take him in and let him vent and cry until he’d fallen asleep. But he’d done it so many other times that he didn’t want to bother them. There was also the fact that for some reason, Kevin had to see Nick, couldn’t not see Nick, and so when he found himself in front of the house he’d found out was Nick’s, he knew that this was the only place he’d find solace that night.

Nick wasn’t sure how long they’d been laying together in silence, but he knew that Kevin wasn’t asleep. His breathing wasn’t even enough, plus he kept shifting every so often. Nick pressed a kiss to the top of Kevin’s head, unable to stop himself. The action caused for Kevin to look up, their eyes meeting in the darkness. Where Kevin’s head had previously been resting on Nick’s chest, they moved so that they were nose to nose, heads sharing the same pillow.

"Thank you for letting me in tonight, for taking care of me," Kevin said softly. He gave a shy smile when Nick grinned.

"Thanks for coming over. I’m glad that you came to me, that you let me help you."

Kevin knew it was wrong, that he should close his eyes and try to get some sleep, leave it at that, but he couldn’t bear to move. He wouldn’t think about anything except for the beautiful boy right in front of him, watching him intently, pouty red lips that Kevin knew tasted like happiness. They must have been thinking the same thing, because as Kevin started to lean in closer, Nick licked his lips in preparation for a kiss. Their lips touched almost hesitantly at first, but when Kevin realized that Nick wasn’t moving away, he leaned in, pressing them together tighter.

The kiss wasn’t one with an intense passionate heat, it was more of a comforting kiss. Reassurance that Kevin was going to be okay and that Nick was here for him. Their tongues danced from Nick’s mouth to Kevin’s and back again, each second passing only heightening the serene mood between them. For the first time, the kiss wasn’t rushed. It wasn’t awkward and left both Kevin and Nick feeling a sense of something deeper inside of them.

Their hands were clasped together, and neither made a move to touch the other more than they already were. It was when the flash of a desire for Kevin to take it further, to roll Nick underneath him and start to touch him, explore his body, had hit that Kevin pulled away regretfully.

"We can’t do this." He hated the way Nick’s face fell at his announcement. As much as Kevin’s body begged him not to stop, as much as he knew that this was as right as it felt, he had to stop it. He still believed deep down that what he was doing would save both himself and Nick heartache later. That it wasn’t the right time for them, that Nick needed someone who could treat him how he deserved to be treated, and that it wasn’t him. Kevin’s head wouldn’t let his heart lead him and for that reason, he had to stop things before they got out of control, more out of control that Kevin knew things already were.

"Why?" Nick asked, trying to kiss Kevin again. He couldn’t see why Kevin would want to stop when it felt so good, when they both knew this was how things should be. He groaned in frustration when Kevin pulled away. He looked into Kevin’s eyes and saw the same look of regret in his eyes.

"Because..." Kevin sighed. "Nothing’s changed Nick, I still..." He took a deep breath. "...I haven’t changed my mind, it’s just not the right time."

"You can’t tell me that this really means nothing to you," Nick argued. He kissed Kevin, pleased when the older teen fell into the kiss. When Nick pulled away, they were both breathless.

"I didn’t say it meant nothing," Kevin whispered softly. He could feel tears threatening and tried to blink them back. "It means too much, and that’s why we have to stop."

A million thoughts flashed in Nick’s mind. Finally, he nodded and used every single piece of will power to refrain from arguing. The last thing Kevin needed at that moment was him pushing him, adding one more stress to his already overloaded psyche. So instead, he simply pressed his lips against Kevin’s forehead and nodded. "Fine. Fine, but if you ever need me, let me know. I’m always here for you."

Kevin heard Nick’s words and something inside of him melted. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and tried to clear his mind. All that he could think about, see and hear was Nick. And because of that, he flipped them over and pinned Nick lightly below him. He looked at the younger teen closely, wanting to memorize everything about him. Kevin could tell by the way Nick’s cheeks reddened that he had taken him off guard. It was Nick’s innocence that drew Kevin to him, and it made it that much harder for Kevin to push him away. But he knew he had to. Before he did though, Kevin leaned down and kissed Nick passionately, losing himself in the moment.

Nick was taken off guard, but the moment Kevin’s mouth pressed against his, he stopped thinking about everything. He allowed himself to be kissed like he’d never been kissed in his life and Nick fought to remember every single detail. It was over before he would have liked, but as Nick’s eyes fluttered open, he saw Kevin staring down at him.

"Don’t ever change Nicky. You are so special, so wonderful and I know you think I’m crazy, but I don’t want to be the person who breaks your heart. I can’t be the guy that you’ll always remember as your first love that treated you horribly, changing you for everyone after me."

"You don’t understand Kevin, that you would never hurt me. Not intentionally, and there is a big difference. You’re all I want, all I need..."

Kevin shook his head. "Shhh, please. I can’t hear it."

"But you have to.."

Again, Kevin silenced Nick. They shared a meaningful look and Nick fell silent. Kevin kissed him again, this time without tongue. When the kiss was over, he rolled off of Nick and curled up beside him, wrapping his arms around Nick’s waist. It was like that, spooned together, the two teens fell asleep, both wishing that things could be different, that whatever was keeping them apart wasn’t an issue.

~*~*~*~*~

Nick woke up, waiting to find that he was in his bed and there wasn’t a sleeping Kevin Richardson on his floor. He took a deep breath and at the lack of a body pressed against him tightly, figured that he was alone in the bed. Without opening his eyes, he frowned and assumed that the night before had been a dream. It wasn’t until his eyelids fluttered open and he found he was closer to the floor than his bed normally was that he realized the night before had happened. It only took a glance over his shoulder to find Kevin curled up on the other side of the mattress. Nick’s stomach started to churn nervously, his skin prickling with awareness.

He’d slept with Kevin Richardson.

Slept, but still, he and Kevin had been in the same bed. Nick had to fight not to do his shimmy, knowing that the movement would awaken the senior. Needing to go to the washroom, Nick slipped off of the mattress and crept out of the room. It was while Nick was engrossed in his cartoons that Kevin resurfaced, joining Nick in the living room. He was still dressed in Nick’s sweats and the sight caused for Nick’s stomach to do somersaults.

"Did you sleep okay?" Nick asked nervously. He wasn’t sure how awkward things were going to be now that it was day. Thankfully, Kevin nodded and sat down on the couch next to Nick. He sat so that their shoulders were touching, a sign that Nick took to mean that Kevin wasn’t pulling entirely away from him. He was keeping a safe distance, which Nick agreed was probably wise.

"I slept awesome," Kevin admitted. He blushed lightly refusing to look at Nick. "Thanks ..you know, for everything."

Nick couldn’t help but hug Kevin tightly and kiss his cheek. "You're welcome, anytime you need anything, you can always come to me."

"I just ...hope you don’t hate me," Kevin admitted. It was something that had been on his mind before they’d fallen asleep the night before, and he’d been up for about a half an hour before coming out, thinking about Nick and their strange relationship.

"I don’t hate you," Nick said softly. "I wish that things could be different, but I don’t hate you. "

Kevin gave a nervous chuckle and picked at a thread on the couch. There was so much on his mind, so much he wanted to say but the words wouldn’t come out. All he could think about was the feel of Nick in his arms, the feeling of contentment Kevin felt the night before and the knowledge that his piece of mind had been kept by the blonde angel sitting next to him. "Could you maybe not ..." Kevin started. He cleared his throat and twitched nervously. "Tell anyone? I mean, even your friends."

Although Nick’s first reaction the night before had been to call Justin and Lance to tell them everything, he wouldn’t. Kevin’s privacy meant more to Nick than gossip and the last thing he wanted to do was add to Kevin’s stress. "Of course. It’s just between us." Kevin’s smile was more than enough incentive to keep Nick quiet. "I wouldn’t do that to you," Nick added, needing Kevin to know.

"I know," Kevin said. "But I just needed to say it, just in case."

They sat in an awkward silence until Nick couldn’t take it anymore. He hated that the most intense and wonderful night was causing them to be uncomfortable with each other. It was then that he decided not to let it become an issue. So for that, he turned to face Kevin on the couch, looking directly at him.

Kevin could feel Nick looking at him, but he couldn't bring himself to turn so that he could look back. He wasn’t sure what he would find when he looked over, and the last thing he needed was for the blonde to look at him with his puppy dog eyes, full of love and adoration. It would just be another reminder that he’d disappointed one more person that he cared about. "Why are you staring at me?" He asked softly.

"How do you know I’m staring at you?" Nick asked insolently. "You haven’t looked at me since you sat down."

"I’ve looked at you," they both knew it was a lie. Kevin felt goose bumps cover his skin as his stomach started to flip.

"No, you haven’t."

"So?"

Nick shrugged, consciously knowing that Kevin wouldn’t see it. He leaned back and made himself comfortable until finally Kevin looked up.

When Kevin looked up, he saw Nick sitting against the arm of the chair, arms crossed over his chest and a funny look on his face. It wasn’t what he’d been expecting and Kevin burst into laughter. Almost instantly, most of the tension that had collected, disappeared. "What are you doing?"

"Making things less weird." Nick made a few more funny faces, laughing as Kevin joined in. When they’d laughed so hard they were both holding their sides, Nick could relax. "Don’t do that, get all weird with me. It makes me think you’re mad at me."

"I’m not mad at you," Kevin assured him. In fact, nothing could have been further from the truth, but Kevin kept that to himself. "I just ..."

"Things are cool with us, you don’t have to worry about that."

Kevin looked deep into Nick’s eyes, he studied the blonde’s face and was relieved to see that was the truth. Nick wasn’t holding a grudge because he’d been turned down for what was probably the millionth time since February. As this realization hit him, Kevin started to feel a little uneasy about that. He had expected some sort of reaction from Nick, and no reaction was an indication that maybe he’d really begun to move on. The feel of Nick’s legs outstretched onto his lap broke Kevin from his thoughts, and as he made himself comfortable to watch some Saturday morning cartoons, he pushed everything out of his mind and concentrated and the there and then, because he reached the conclusion that if he didn’t have Nick, he didn’t have anything.

End Chapter 38


Chapter 39 >