< Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Friday morning found Lance, Justin and Nick all in the heart of Fresh Meat Lane. They were just about to read that month’s issue of the Lincoln Report when Britney appeared.

"Oooh, I forgot that it was out today." She opened her locker, pleased to find the copy that Lance had slid through the cracks the night before. "I swear, I love getting the paper every month, it’s so much fun."

Lance smiled, agreeing with Britney. "I know. And I was talking to a few seniors about it yesterday. They were saying that it hasn’t been this good in a while. Chris has been trying to turn it around for the past year or so, but the school has been pretty strict on what they let them do. But this year Mrs. Renado is in charge and she’s pretty cool. I’m so glad that Kevin and Howie suggested I check it out."

Before they opened their papers, Lance remembered Chris’ message to Justin.

"Justin, Chris wanted me to tell you .."

"Chris?" Justin asked, clearly surprised. He didn’t know what type of message Chris would have for him seeing that he’d done as the senior asked and had avoided all contact with him even though it was killing him. "What did I do?"

Lance shook his head. "No, you didn’t do anything. Which I think is starting to become a problem." When Justin flashed him a confused look, Lance snickered. "He’s frustrated because he didn’t think you’d really stay away. I think he’s starting to miss you."

Justin couldn’t hide the smile that resulted at that news. He felt his stomach do somersaults and tried to focus on Chris’ message. "What did he say then?"

"He wanted you to know that there is an all ages show next Friday night at the Underdog. You had asked him to let you know when the band was going to do another one. They were talking about it and apparently they make more money when it’s all ages."

"And he said to tell me?" Justin asked with a smile.

Lance nodded. "Yeah, said to let you know. I told you, I think he likes..." Lance stopped when Justin shook his head.

"I don’t want to talk about it." He looked at Nick who was wiggling his eyebrows. "What?"

"So, we gonna go?" There wasn't any doubt, but Nick thought he’d ask anyways.

"Uh, totally. What am I, crazy?"

Lance, Nick and Britney all nodded. "Yeah!"

They all looked at each other before holding their breaths and heading right for the back of the paper. Lance and Christina were still in charge of the Personals and they all admittedly went to that section first every month. The thrill of possibly having a message for them was too much to bear.

Nick scanned the messages, finding one for him almost immediately. The message made him blush and he read it a few times before doing a shimmy.

"What did you get?" Justin asked with a snicker. Nick held out the paper and showed his best friend what he was looking at.

To: Carter
From: Your Valentine’s Day Crush
-Is it too late to change my mind? ;) Just kidding, but seriously though. I still think you’re a great catch!

Justin’s eyes bugged out and he looked at Nick who was beaming. "Holy shit, are you serious?"

Nick laughed as he rolled his eyes. "He’s such a nerd."

Lance held out the paper, smiling at Nick. "Like you’re a nerd?" He showed Justin what he was referring to, waiting until he heard laughter to take his paper back.

To: My Favourite Quarterback
From: Your Favourite Fan
        -Still working on getting you a date. Perhaps we should get together to  
         discuss, seeing you still can’t get one on your own.

They were laughing at the messages from Nick and Kevin when they heard Britney gasp. "Awww, he’s so adorable." She said.

"Who’s adorable?" Nick asked as he tried to see what Britney was reading. She showed him the message she was talking about, causing him to smile sweetly at her.

To: Brit.
From: Billy
       -I miss seeing your beautiful face every day. Going to different schools
         sucks. I hope this message makes you smile when you read how
        much I miss you.

Lance read through the messages. There were a lot that he’d seen as he was typing them up to submit to Chris. What he and Christina did was they would each take half and do them up, submitting them in two separate documents. Chris would then amalgamate them to fit the space they had. It wasn’t odd for him to notice messages that he hadn’t seen, but one in particular caught his eye. One that had his name on it. Usually when they sent each other messages, they would disguise their names, using funny nicknames or something so that only they would know. But this was sent specifically to him.


Lance felt his whole body freeze as he read it. His breathing had stopped and a wave of dizziness washed over him.

TO: Lance
From: AJ
-I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am, how I made the biggest mistake of my life.I know you hate me, but without you I’m nothing. I don’t live, I exist and some days I  don’t even want to do that. Please forgive me. I love you.

Tears pooled in the corners of Lance’s eyes as he read and reread AJ’s message about a dozen times. He was vaguely aware of everything else that was going on around him. He felt his heart racing wildly, a searing pain flowing through his chest. He looked up to see everyone staring at him, obviously uncomfortable as they didn’t know what they should do.

"Did..." He asked, choking back a sob. "Did you know he was doing this?"

They all looked back and forth between one another, shaking their heads in a negative answer. Lance took a deep breath and as he looked back down at the message, a few more tears escaped.

"Lance," Britney said cautiously. "AJ hasn’t talked to any of us all week. You both had that fight on Monday and he hasn’t been coming to the quad for lunch. Won’t talk to anyone, so we didn’t know he was going to do this".

Christina chose that moment to arrive. Her cheeks were a bright pink and she had a giant smile on her face until she saw the stricken looks on the faces of her friends. "What’s going on guys?"

Lance looked at his partner for the column and narrowed his eyes. "Did you know he was going to do this?" He rattled the paper at her, unsure why he was so upset. AJ had in effect said everything that he’d been wanting to hear, but the surprise of it caught him off guard and Lance didn’t know what to do or how to react.

Christina looked at what Lance was pointing to and nodded, her expression unapologetic. "Yeah, of course I did. I was the one that submitted it to Chris." She took her first period books out of her locker before closing it and focusing her undivided attention on Lance. "What? You don’t think he was going to submit it to you do you?"

"Why didn’t you say something?" Lance said angrily.

"Because he asked me not to. And don’t you dare yell at me Lance Bass. This isn’t my fault and you have no right to be mad at me. I was just trying to help a friend."

"Oh, and I’m not your friend?"

Christina stepped in closer to Lance, her features now contorted from her anger. Justin, Nick and Britney all exchanged glances before stepping back. They’d seen Christina angry and weren’t willing to be in the middle of it for anything. "Now you listen to me, this has gone on way too damn long. You love him, he loves you. He made a mistake, he’s apologized countless times."

"He apologized once!" Lance argued.

"TWICE." Christina yelled as she shook the paper in Lance’s face. "Do you know how devastated he was on Monday when you told him you agreed that breaking up was the right thing? Do you know how hurt he’s been? Yes, you do. Because you've been just as hurt. But you’re both too chicken shit to do something about it. And I’m damn tired of walking around on egg shells around you both."

"Then don’t. Don’t be around us." Lance crossed his arms over his chest.

"Oh, you’re not getting out of this that easy. You think you’re the first person to have been wronged because of a slight misjudgment? Yes, I agree you had a reason to be upset, but now he’s tried to make it up to you. And there’s two things you can do. Are you listening to me?"

Christina had effectively, pinned Lance against the locker as she stood in front of him giving him a piece of her mind. He could only stare at her and nod.

"You can either realize that you’re being an asshole by punishing him. You can admit that he made the mistake but is trying to make it up to you, and in admitting that, begin to forgive him so you two can get back together like you belong. OR, or you can just let him go, which I know you haven’t done. If you had, you wouldn’t have been crying when you read that he still loves you. You wouldn't have cared as much as you do, so make the decision Lance. Forgive him, or cut him loose, because I’m sick to death of this stupid childish behaviour."

Lance was a very pale white, his face void of any emotion. He watched as Christina stepped away and smoothed down her skirt. "Are you done?" He asked quietly.

Christina felt bad for losing her temper, but it was time that one of them had said something to Lance. She’d already said her piece to AJ and was relieved when he agreed that she was right and had made the decision to send Lance the message. They all knew that it was the only way to get through to him, since Lance was avoiding him like the plague. She held her breath and nodded. "Yes."

"Good," was all Lance said. He tightened his hold on the books that he was carrying and walked down the hall without saying another word.

The group was silent until finally Christina sighed. "I shouldn’t have said anything."

Nick shook his head and pulled her into a tight hug. "No, you were right. Just because he doesn’t want to hear it, doesn’t make it any less true."

"But I didn’t have to be so harsh," Christina argued sadly.

"No, you did have to be so harsh. Someone did because he isn’t listening to anything else," Justin agreed. They were all getting sick of their two friends moping, especially when they both wanted to be with the other. Foolish pride was standing in their way and Justin wished that someone had have intervened sooner when he and Nick had been fighting. Just the thought of Lance and AJ’s fight going on for longer than a month made him want to cry.

Lance spent the whole day alone, refusing to talk to anyone. He arrived in Spanish late and sat at the back of the room, leaving before anyone had the chance to approach him. He didn’t go to his locker at all and made sure to avoid his friends at all costs. It wasn’t that he was mad at Christina for what she said, it was how she had done it. Or more so, that he knew she was right and he hadn’t wanted to admit it. He never thought that things would have gone this far, but now they were at a point where he didn’t know how to apologize to AJ, or what to do to make things right. It was in that moment of realization that he knew why AJ had taken so long to come to him, and felt bad for reacting the way he had. He knew that he had to do something, but just wasn’t sure what that was. Lance prayed that it wasn’t too late.

After school he went to AJ’s locker hoping to find him there. He waited for fifteen minutes before Josh approached. "He’s in the art room."

Lance turned around, suddenly embarrassed. He knew Josh hadn’t been there that morning for his altercation with Christina, but could only imagine what she’d told him. What they’d all told him. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Lance looked down at his feet before raising his gaze to look at Josh. He expected a range of emotions to be expressed in Josh’s eyes, but compassion was not one of them. "I ..."

"I know," Josh said softly. "It’s hard."

Lance swallowed thickly as he felt a giant lump form in his throat. He’d never felt so alone in his life as he did that past week, and although he knew that if he needed, he could go to any one of his friends, he wouldn’t. Couldn’t. It wasn’t fair to involve them in his own mess, especially when it had to do with another one of their close friends. Lance felt lost. "Do you hate me?"

Josh hadn’t been expecting that question. He frowned as he shook his head. Before Lance could protest, he pulled him close and hugged him tightly, giving him the warmth and compassion that he so desperately needed in that moment. "Of course not. I just don’t understand. I don’t understand either of you. You both love each other so much, but you’re doing nothing but hurting each other."

"Do they hate me?" Lance asked, indicating the rest of their group. He sighed a breath of relief when Josh shook his head.

"No, they don’t. They’re hurting for you and it makes them feel helpless when they can’t do anything to make things better. And they understand, they all do."

"T..thought it would be easier ...to..to leave him a-alone." Lance admitted.

"Has it? Been easier?" Josh asked although he already knew the answer. Lance shook his head.

"It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done."

"Then go to him, and tell him. Tell him everything."

Lance nodded. "Art room?"

"Yes."

Each step he took towards the Art room felt like a million. His heart was pounding in his chest and he felt his breathing become laboured. As he pushed open the door, the sound of bluesy music came flooding through and Lance knew it was AJ’s melancholy music. AJ would listen to it when he was in a sad or depressed mood and Lance hated knowing that the music was because of him. He stepped inside, feeling breathless at the sight of AJ sitting on his stool, concentrating hard on the easel in front of him. Lance couldn’t figure out how he thought he would be better off without AJ and knew in that moment that nothing the other boy could do would change how much he loved him.

AJ felt the air in the room change and he shivered. He was painting with dark colours, all blacks and blues and greens, some colours barely distinguishable from the other. Although he wasn’t taking art that term, Mrs. Edwards had ensured him that whenever he felt the need, he was more than welcome to grace her classroom with his presence. He’d already been accepted to continue on with his art education at Lincoln High, and they were always encouraging artists to feed their creative minds. He nearly fell off of his chair when he heard a voice speak behind him.

"I love you." Lance knew that the right words would come to him. He wasn’t surprised when they finally did.

AJ slowly turned around, afraid that if he made any sudden movements, he’d wake up. Before his eyes was Lance, looking pale and tired and sad. AJ recognized it because it was how he felt. He didn’t dare get his hopes up.

"But?" AJ waited for the other shoe to drop.

"No but. I love you."

"Still?" AJ dared to hope.

"Always."

"We still have a lot to discuss," AJ pointed out. As easy as it would be to say I love you and have everything fixed, there were issues underlying that they needed to deal with. He was grateful when Lance nodded.

"I know. I know it isn’t this easy ...but I had to ...find you. I had to tell you before we wasted any more time. I couldn’t risk something happening and me not telling you that I love you."

"What could have happened?" AJ asked softly. He watched as Lance crossed the room and grabbed a stool, Nick’s old stool to be exact. They sat directly in front of one another and before he started speaking, Lance looked at the piece that AJ was working on.

"Dark," Lance observed. AJ nodded.

"I’ve been in a dark period."

"Me too."

AJ took a deep breath. "What could have happened?" He repeated softly. Lance cocked his head to the side.

"Anything." He fidgeted nervously as he turned his head to look out the window. "You could have changed your mind. You could have found someone else. There are a million possibilities of things that might have happened. I just need you to know that I’m sorry."

"We’re both sorry," AJ whispered. He longed to reach out and touch Lance but wasn’t sure if he could, if he still had the right. He saw the look in the younger boys’ face and knew that Lance was thinking the exact same thing he was. Because of that, he leaned in and cupped Lance’s face with his hand gently. "I’ve missed you so much."

Lance trembled and fought not to cry. He’d done so much crying over the past two weeks that he wondered when it would ever stop, IF it would ever stop. With an unsteady hand, he covered AJ’s hand with his own. "Me too."

Any desire AJ had to paint was suddenly gone. All he wanted to do was go somewhere and talk to Lance, hold him and be held by him. What are you doing right now?"

Lance refused to take his eyes off of AJ in case he disappeared. He shook his head, "this is what I'm doing," he said. "This is by far the most important thing in the world right now."

AJ gave Lance a shy smile. He stood up and cleaned his area up before putting his canvas away to dry. When he was done, he approached Lance who hadn’t moved except to follow AJ’s movements with his eyes. "Can we go somewhere else?"

"Yes, please."

With it being Friday night, AJ knew that his mother would be working late and they would have his house to themselves. He wanted to make the suggestion, but their argument at Joey’s two weeks earlier rang in his head and he didn’t want to seem like he was pushing Lance in any way. It was Lance who spoke up though.

"Your mom working late?"

AJ nodded.

"We’ve got to stop at my locker for something, then we’ll go to your house. Knowing my family, we’ve got a full house and I don’t want to explain to them why we don’t want to talk to them."

AJ was curious as to what Lance had told his family about them. He’d managed to keep their break up a secret from his mother for about a day before she knew something was wrong and called him on it. "Did you ...tell them about us?"

Lance wrinkled his nose and shook his head. "Nah."

"Why?"

Lance really wasn’t sure. His mother had noticed that he’d been a little restless as of late, easily distracted and not as happy as she’d known him to be in recent months, but he simply made up excuses that things were getting pretty intense with classes, or some other excuse so that she wouldn’t question him. If she had any idea at all that he and AJ had been having troubles, she hadn’t vocalized them. "Because I didn’t want to worry her. She loves you."

AJ grinned, "mom loves you too."

They got to Lance’s locker and he pulled out his bag and coat. There was a moment of hesitation before Lance shut the door and turned to face AJ. He leaned in and gingerly kissed AJ, reveling in the taste and sensation of the kiss. It was the most affection they’d ever shown at school and AJ felt chills throughout his whole body. He fell into the kiss, allowing Lance to pull him close before finally letting him go. They both sighed at the same time as they embraced. "Lets go," Lance whispered.

They arrived at AJ’s house to find a note from his mother and twenty dollars for AJ to order pizza for dinner. She wanted to let him know that she’d be home before ten and to make sure he got all of his homework done before he started playing video games or watching TV.

"She said nothing about talking," AJ grinned wickedly. Lance laughed as he felt relief flood his body. Things were so familiar and so normal that he had to remind himself why he was there and what they had to talk about. They made themselves comfortable in the living room, both facing one another sitting cross-legged on the couch. It was Lance that started them off.

Two hours later, they had laughed, cried and yelled, feeling every range of emotions possible. Each had been given a chance to speak their mind and both were surprised just how deep things went. Lance voiced concerns and issues he felt were important, where AJ did the same. They found that they were each holding things back only to find that the other had been feeling or thinking the same thing.

In the end though, they both felt a little lighter for having unloaded everything that was on their minds. "So, do you think we can maybe..." AJ asked hesitantly. "...get back together?"

Lance smiled and held AJ’s hands in his. "Are you asking me out, again?"

"Yes, but this time we’ll be more open about things. If we have a problem with something, we’ll tell each other instead of keeping it bottled inside."

Lance leaned in to kiss AJ, sliding his tongue between his boyfriend’s lips. "I hate fighting with you, it makes me so sad," he said when they broke the kiss.

"Me too. I was so miserable. I can’t believe ..."

Lance cut AJ off. "Don’t, don’t think about it. It’s over, behind us. We’ve hashed it out and I don’t want us beating ourselves up for it. We both made mistakes, now we learn from it."

"But you ... Are you sure?" AJ felt a sense of relief when Lance nodded.

"Totally sure. I think deep down I knew you hadn’t meant it, but it hurt so much and then you didn’t call me that I thought that maybe you did. And when I was telling you that stuff, I wanted to tell you that I didn’t mean it, but I couldn’t. And ...well things just snowballed. But I could never hate you."

"You know what I've missed the most?" AJ asked as he tugged Lance towards him. He moved them so that he was laying down, back against the back of the couch and Lance curled up in front of him, pressed tightly to his chest.

"What?" Lance asked once they were situated comfortably. He could feel the warmth of AJ’s body against his own and it filled the void that had been empty for two weeks. The cold, emptiness of his heart was now filling with love, AJ’s love.

"This. Feeling you, being able to touch you and smell you." AJ rest his head on Lance’s shoulder as he drew random patterns on Lance’s back. In a daring movement, he slid his hand under Lance’s shirt and felt goose bumps appear. "I feel so good when you’re around me."

Lance understood, because it was exactly how he felt. He had missed having AJ close by, in touching distance. It was more than his physical presence, but also just knowing he was near that gave Lance the comfort and safety. And not having him around had been the worst part of their too long break from one another. He felt AJ’s hand slide underneath his tee shirt to stroke his back and Lance let out a low purr. "I love you Aje, promise we’ll never fight like this again. It was scary."

"I know, baby. I was scared too. Scared you’d never want to talk to me again, scared that I'd lost you forever."

"Never, never forever. Maybe for enough time for us to clear our heads, but never forever."

Lance moved so that he could press his mouth against AJ’s kissing him passionately with everything he’d been feeling for two weeks. He rolled them so that he was resting comfortably on AJ's body and tried to get as close to his boyfriend has he could. If he had the opportunity, he would have crawled right inside AJ’s skin to get closer, but he couldn’t so he had to make due with what he had.

When they finally broke for air, Lance let himself relax in AJ’s embrace, not thinking about anything except that moment and how happy he was. A thought flashed in his mind and his lips turned downwards in a slight frown.

"Aje?"

"Yeah?"

"Remind me to call Christina, I have to apologize to her."

"You can do it later, right now you’re mine."

Lance licked at AJ’s throat, making the older teen whimper and tremble. "I’m always yours baby, that’s never going to change."

End Chapter 34


Chapter 35 >