< Chapter 30

Chapter 31

The last thing Nick had expected to hear on Monday was the rumour that Kevin and Gretchen had broken up. For good. It wasn’t the first time it had happened, but the difference this time was how serious the rumour was. In fact, it wasn’t a rumour but fact since about thirty other people had been there to witness the grand event that had taken place at the Shake Shack on Saturday night.

Upon first thoughts, Nick figured that it was just like every other rumour that he’d heard, but as more details had become available, he noticed that this wasn’t like any other time. He had actually told her that they should break up and after she had thrown her infamous tantrum and pretty much embarrassed all of them in front of the whole restaurant, had given him back not only his football jacket, but the locket he’d given her the year before for Christmas. Kevin Richardson and Gretchen Saunders had in fact, broken up, for good and it was not a rumour. Only time would tell whether they got back together, but for the time being, Kevin Richardson was single again, for the first time in what Nick was told, three years.

As much as he shouldn’t have been, Nick was overjoyed to know that they were broken up for good this time and felt a sense of satisfaction when he’d passed by the Senior Lounge that day and saw her pouting in the corner while sitting with her friends. Normally he would have seen Kevin sitting there with her, the two of them either pointedly ignoring each other after a fight or shoving their tongues down each other’s throats and he had to admit that this was much better. The new year was starting off wonderfully for Nick.

Although he hadn’t realized it would affect him so much, it was the beginning of a new period in Nick’s strange relationship with Kevin. Where Kevin had recently began to nod or say hello to him in the hall, Kevin was now actually talking to Nick in school. It was mostly after practices when he and Justin were waiting for their mothers and Kevin was waiting to drive Brian home, or while he’d been working with AJ for the set of the play, but Nick would often find himself talking to Kevin as if they’d been friends for ages. There had even been a few times that Nick had run into Kevin in the halls only to have the senior stop and see how he was doing. Nick still blushed profusely every single time Kevin approached him, but he was slowly becoming more comfortable with their quasi friendship. The thing that amazed Nick the most was that their conversations also began to bleed over to social events and non school times.

There had been one night while Nick had been shopping with his mother at the mall and they’d run into Kevin at the Gap. Where Nick had simply waved at Kevin when the older teen smiled at him, Kevin strode across the wide store to not only say hello to Nick, but introduce himself to Nick’s mother. The entire time they talked, Nick’s face was a bright red and he was just waiting for his mother to embarrass him, but thankfully she saved the interrogation until after Kevin had admitted he was running late and had to leave to pick his mother up from a meeting she was at.

Justin’s ‘relationship’ with Chris was also something that they found hard to define, or even understand. Chris still held strong to his initial claim that just because he and Justin had spent time kissing at Brian’s ‘back to school’ bash they weren’t boyfriends, but it didn’t stop them from continuing to kiss and often times make out when given the opportunity. Justin had began hanging out in the Report Office with Lance whenever he didn’t have practice, which meant prolonged trips to the supply cupboard to get more paper, or toner for the printer, or just about anything that Justin could convince Chris he needed to get.

Often times Chris would refuse to acknowledge Justin’s games, or even his presence on some days, but Justin was persistent and could always manage to break Chris’ resolve to distance himself from the freshman. Although he wouldn’t admit it, Nick knew that when Chris would ignore Justin in the hall, even five minutes after they’d emerged from the supply cupboard both rumpled and slightly breathless, it hurt him. To Justin, their kissing was leading to Chris admitting that he had feelings for him, but Nick feared that to Chris, their kissing was just something to pass the time and to satisfy his sexual urges. He hated to see his friend sad, and vowed that if Chris hurt him, he’d pay for it, but at the same time, Nick knew there was nothing he could do to stop it. Justin was his own person, and he fully knew what he was getting into when he agreed to Chris’ stipulations, not to mention how he allowed for Chris to treat him the way he did. It was always Justin who instigated their
 disappearances, it was always Justin who was following Chris around, begging for any type of attention. The harder Chris would push him away, the more determined Justin became to convince Chris that they were perfect for one another.

The days turned into weeks and before anyone realized it, February was upon them. AJ, Nick, Joey and Justin’s birthdays had passed, the four teens turning 16, 15, 17 and 15 respectively. Parties were had and it wasn’t until the red construction paper hearts started showing up all over the school that it really hit everyone that Valentine’s Day was just around the corner. Chris decided to have a special Valentine’s edition of the Lincoln Report come out right on Valentine’s day. The messages section would take up the whole portion of the paper as it would be a focal point of the issue and the usual monthly issue would be out a week and a half later as expected.. There was a school dance on the Friday before and from what Joey had told Nick as they’d ran into each other in the school office, he was having a Valentine’s Bash at his house on Saturday night.

"So you should come," Joey suggested with a smile.

As many times that Nick had spoken with Joey, and despite how the older teen had never consciously done anything to Nick, Nick always felt a sense of unease around him. It might have been that he didn’t talk to him as often as he did Brian or even Chris lately, or that Joey had an air of confidence that ensured you that he was who he was and he didn’t really give a shit what you thought, but Nick was surprised when Joey had gone out of his way to invite him to his party.

Nick gave a smile and a nod. "I’ll see."

"Good, talk to you later Carter."

Nick also was amazed how over the course of the past few months, they’d stopped calling him Fresh Meat. It was the day that he’d yelled at Joey for calling him the name that he’d stopped, but little by little, so had everyone else. On one hand Nick was glad for the change, but on the other hand, he kind of missed the endearment.

Joey’s house wasn’t as big as Kyle’s or Brian’s, but the moment Nick walked in he found it very comfortable and welcoming. There was loud music playing, different songs from different rooms, and for some reason, when Nick pictured a high school party, this had always been it. There were people all standing around, talking and laughing over the loud volume of the music and as Nick scanned the room, there was a large number of people he didn’t know.

"Hey, you guys came," Joey greeted them in the living room. They’d knocked for about five minutes before trying the door to find it unlocked. He looked around the room and rolled his eyes at the display of people loitering the room. "Steve’s friends."

"Who’s Steve?" Justin asked as he searched the room for Chris. He frowned when he failed to locate the senior and focused his attention back onto Joey.

"Joey’s brother," AJ answered with a wrinkle of his nose. He’d never particularly liked Steve Fatone, especially when he found it funny to torment AJ. He also hated how he tormented Josh, Joey and the rest of their friends, but Steve had never realized that what he found funny wasn’t what the rest of the world found funny.

"And an asshole, come on, we’re all in here."

They all followed Joey towards the back where there were at least two dozen people they all recognized from school. "There’s also room in the basement. Steve and his friends should be leaving soon, someone came in and said there was a kegger on Victoria Road, so that should get them the hell out of here."

AJ looked around the room and continued to sulk. His mouth had formed a permanent frown and when Josh asked if he wanted anything, he scowled at his best friend.

"Don’t snap at me, alright!" Josh warned. "It’s not me you’re mad at, although I don’t know what the fuck your problem is."

"Of course you don’t," AJ spat back. "No one seems to understand what my problem is. I’m just being a pissy bitch."

"Well if the shoe fits," Josh knew that AJ was being sarcastic, but it was accurate sarcasm and he wasn’t going to disagree. "You’re being unreasonable and if you’re planning on ruining this night for everyone, then I’m going to stay away from you."

A look passed between them and AJ refused to budge. Josh shrugged and shook his head.

"You win. Later."

Josh’s failure to side with him only worsened AJ’s mood and when Lance returned from getting them drinks, he grudgingly took one.

"So..." Lance said awkwardly. He wasn’t sure why AJ was so angry with him, and every time he’d tried to talk to his boyfriend, AJ would only pull further away. "Happy Valentine’s Day."

"Valentine’s Day isn’t until Monday," AJ sulked.

"Well, we can pretend it’s tonight and then again on Monday.." Lance attempted to lighten AJ’s mood but only managed to make him scowl louder. "What did you do today?" He tried again unsuccessfully.

AJ scowled at him again and Lance threw up his hands in defeat.

"You know what, never mind. You’ve been pissy with me since Thursday, barely talking to me and treating me like crap. When you decide that you’re going to get out of whatever shitty mood you’re in, you let me know." Lance abruptly stood up and walked across the room. He needed to be as far away from AJ as possible before they got into a fight and said things that couldn’t be taken back.

"What’s going on?" Nick asked gently. He’d heard arguing coming from where Lance had been sitting with AJ and judging by the expressions on their faces, there was clearly something going on between them.

"I have no idea. He’s mad at me, won’t talk to me and is sulking. I’m going to give him a bit of time to cool off, or just get over whatever his problem is and then go back and try to talk to him again."

"Good luck," Nick said softly. He searched the area for Kevin and frowned when he didn’t see the older boy anywhere. Remembering back to when they were in Joey’s driveway, he realized that he hadn’t seen Kevin’s car anywhere. Kevin hadn’t shown up yet which dashed Nick’s hopes for something happening that night. It had been a month since Kevin and Gretchen had broken up and surprisingly, Kevin hadn’t started dating anyone else. Nick had assumed that Kevin would have gone straight from Gretchen to another one of the perfect, beautiful girls that were always hanging all over him, but he hadn’t. In fact, Nick hadn’t even heard Kevin being seen anywhere with anyone other than Joey, Chris or Brian. That news had only heightened Nick’s hopes that Kevin and he were meant to be together.

"Joey!" Steve Fatone yelled from the living room.

"What?"

"This party sucks my dick, we’re leaving. Kegger on Victoria. Don’t wait up."

Joey didn’t respond verbally, only smiled and raised his hands which he’d pressed together to imitate praying up to the ceiling. When they heard the door open and slam shut about half a dozen times and the distinct sounds of cars pulling out of the driveway, he finally responded. "Thank god, come on everyone. Lets spread out and get comfortable."

Justin followed Joey and Brian into the living room, hoping they would shed some light onto where Chris was. He’d specifically asked if Chris was coming tonight and although he’d said yes, he had made it clear that he wasn’t going to see him or be with him. Justin saw it as a challenge more so than an act of rejection.

"Do you guys know where Chris is?" Justin asked. He felt his skin turn red up to his ears but kept his ground. He watched Brian and Joey exchange looks before Brian finally turned to answer him.

"He said something about going downstairs."

Justin nodded and gave a weak smile. "Thanks."

"Justin," Joey called. Justin stopped and turned to face Joey.

"Yes?"

There was a brief pause where Justin wasn’t sure what Joey was going to say and Joey wasn’t sure if he should say something. Finally, the older teen spoke.

"Be careful."

"Ummm, thanks." Justin said as he headed towards the basement and down the stairs. It was there he found Chris, talking with Kevin. Justin had recalled Nick saying something about Kevin not being there because he hadn’t seen his car, but in that moment, Justin figured that Kevin must have come with someone else. It didn’t matter though because he needed for Kevin to go so he could be alone to talk to Chris. Thankfully, when they saw him standing at the foot of the stairs, Kevin stood up to leave.

"Hey Justin."

"K..Kevin."

Kevin shot Chris a meaningful look before smiling at the younger teen. "I need some fresh air. I’ll see you later."

"Kevin," Chris said, a warning tone in his voice.

"Chris."

"Don’t."

Kevin only shrugged at his best friend. He turned to Justin and smiled. "Have a great night Justin."

"Uhhh, yep. Later. Bye Kevin."

And just like that, Justin and Chris were alone. "What are you doing down here?" Chris asked, his tone even.

"Came to find you," Justin crossed the room and sat down beside Chris. He positioned himself so close that he was nearly sitting on Chris’ lap. With one subtle movement, he had elongated his neck signaling that he wanted Chris to kiss him. Unfortunately, Chris made no such move. "Happy valentine’s day," Justin breathed. He leaned in to nuzzle the side of Chris’ face, licking playfully at his jaw.

"Don’t." Was all Chris said, harsher than he’d intended. He pulled away, ignoring the frantic pounding in his chest. He refused to look at Justin because he couldn’t take the hurt look that he knew was etched into his beautiful face.

"Don’t what?" Justin scrambled to get closer to Chris. They moved until Chris was against the arm of the couch and this time Justin was on his lap. Justin maneuvered them so that he was straddling Chris’ lap, his arms wrapped loosely around Chris’ neck. He leaned in to initiate a kiss, frustrated when Chris moved his head away from him. "What’s wrong?"

Chris took a deep breath and dropped Justin off of his lap. He stood up and created some distance from the younger boy, because if he had to do it with Justin on his lap, eager and willing to do anything Chris asked, he wouldn’t ever have the strength. "This is what’s wrong. I told you at Brian’s, in January that we aren’t doing this."

"We’re not doing anything," Justin agreed. The pain was back in his chest and with every word, it stung a little bit more. He hated pretending that he wasn’t madly in love with Chris, and he hated it more pretending that Chris’ ignorance to his existence didn’t hurt him. "You said you don’t do boyfriends, I’m not ... I’m not your boyfriend. I just want to kiss you and be with you and talk to you..."

"We are doing something here, and you’re not listening to me. I’m not your boyfriend. I don’t want to be your boyfriend and I never will be. And all those things that you want, that’s what boyfriends do. Just because you’re not calling it that, doesn’t mean it isn’t."

Justin couldn’t disguise the hurt on his face, nor could he wipe away the tears that were building in his eyes. Chris used this to his advantage and vowed not to hate himself when the smoke cleared.

"See, you can’t even handle this conversation without crying. This isn’t going to work. You’re too young for me, and we can’t keep doing this. It isn’t right."

"But ...." Justin could feel everything slipping out of his grasp and couldn’t do anything to stop it.

"But nothing Justin. Nothing. We have nothing in common. We can’t keep doing it, and I don’t want to. Go find someone else to bug."

The sound of Justin’s whimper echoed in the basement and the tears that were threatening to fall slid down his cheeks. Justin stood up and angrily wiped at his eyes. The shock was wearing off and was quickly being replaced with anger. "Go find someone else to bug? You didn’t seem to be minding me ‘bugging’ you in the supply cupboard. Or in Brian’s basement, or even in the Report office when everyone else was gone."

"Justin," Chris started, this time his voice more gentle. "Have I ever come to you?"

Justin didn’t answer, he knew he didn’t have to. It was a rhetorical question.

"Have I ever expressed interest in you first?"

"But..."

"I’m sorry Justin, but this is stopping here and now. I shouldn’t have let you kiss me at Brian’s party last month, and I shouldn’t have let it continue at school. You’re a great kid, but that’s what you are. A kid."

Justin narrowed his eyes and very quickly caught sight of the tremble in Chris’ hand. He looked up and saw nothing but regret in his dark brown eyes. "Fine. If that is what you want, if you really want me to leave you alone and stop bothering you, tell me. Say it right out and I will, but you have to know, that you can’t change your mind. If you push me away now, it’s for good. So you better be sure that this is what you really want."

Chris held his breath and focused on something across the room. He had been doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks and realized that he was in over his head. With everything. So with that, he focused his gaze on Justin’s and gave a weak smile.

"Do you want me to leave you alone Chris? Just tell me!" Chris’ failure to say anything gave Justin hope. Hope that was short lived.

"Yes, I want you to leave me alone Justin. Don’t come to the Report office to see me. Don’t meet me outside my classes, don’t leave me notes to meet you anywhere. When you see me coming down the hall, pretend you don’t know me."

Justin fought the new tears that were threatening and bit his lip. He shook his head slowly and when he was certain he was able to speak, he did so with a very level, steady voice. "I don’t have to pretend Chris, I DON’T know you."

"You’re right Justin, you don’t." It was what Chris had been trying to tell him for weeks, every time he weakly pushed the younger boy away knowing he wasn’t strong enough to do what he knew he had to do.

Justin turned on his heel and stomped up the stairs without even looking back. It was true, he’d always been the one to seek out Chris, but he’d never put up much of a fight and when they were alone, mouths fused together and Chris’ hands holding Justin’s face with a tenderness he wouldn’t ever have expected from him, Justin could feel Chris’ compassion, his warmth and his love. It might not have been love for him, but Chris wasn’t the hard shelled person that he tried to make people believe he was. And little by little, Justin found he was breaking down Chris’ defenses. Or at least he thought he was. But now Chris had pushed him away and Justin’s whole world was crashing down around him.

~*~*~*

"So you ready to talk now?" Lance asked AJ as he approached. He’d given his boyfriend an hour to calm down and in that sixty minutes, AJ had spoken to no one. He’d barely blinked and Lance felt it was time to do something about it.

"No."

"Well too bad, I am." Lance grabbed a hold of AJ’s arm and pulled him towards the stairs. They went up to the next floor and went into the first room that was opened. Judging from the decorations, Lance figured it was Joey’s room. "So what the hell is wrong with you?"

AJ’s eyes darkened and his lips formed a straight line. "You want to know?"

"I asked, didn’t I? You’re ruining this night for everyone and I want to know what is so important that you’re being an asshole."

"Oh, I'm an asshole now?"


Lance nodded. "Yes, you are."

"Well, that’s just fine. I’m the selfish one, I'm the asshole. God forbid you take any responsibility for this."

Lance felt as though AJ had slapped him in the face and shook his head to clear it. "Excuse me?"

"Did it ever occur to you that I don’t want to be here? That I'm tired of all this bullshit."

"What are you talking about?" Lance asked. "You said you wanted to come."

AJ shook his head. "No, I didn’t. You said we were coming and of course I didn’t have a say in the matter. It didn’t matter that I wanted to do something special for Valentines Day. It didn’t matter that I wanted it to be just us, a romantic night alone without everyone else tagging along. We never get time alone and I thought that on the most romantic day of the year, we could be alone."

"Valentine’s day isn’t until Monday AJ!"

"But our parents are home on Mondays. My mom is out tonight and so are your parents. We’d have had the whole house to ourselves to do whatever we wanted, without worrying about them walking in on us."

Lance’s skin burned and he felt his stomach churn. He wasn’t ready for THAT kind of Valentine’s day.

"You wanted to spend it with everyone, I wanted to spend it with you. It just shows where our priorities lie."

Lance was fuming. "Excuse me, but you know I'm not ready to go that far. I’m not ready for sex, and it’s fine that you are, but you can’t be mad at me for that."

AJ slammed his fist down on the desk, startling them both. "I didn’t mean we had to have sex Lance, I just ...I wanted to spend it with you. God, you are so immature, not everything has to do with me trying to sleep with you, I thought you knew me better than that."

"You just said you wanted to be alone without our parents walking in on us and finding us. What was I supposed to think?"

"You’re supposed to think that maybe I want time alone where we can talk and be together. You always have to have someone else around, like you don’t want to be alone with me."

"That’s not true, we’re alone all the time."

"No, we’re not." AJ paced the room, trying to calm himself down. "I had a whole romantic evening planned out and was going to surprise you, but then all of a sudden we had to come to this party, had to be out with everyone else. And you didn’t even think I might have other plans that I wanted to do. It’s always about you."

"Of course I figured you might have other plans, that’s why when I suggested the party I asked if there was anything you wanted to do. I always ask if you want to do something else, you always say no."

"You’re supposed to know when I don’t want to do something."

‘Are you kidding me?"

AJ shook his head.

"So I’m supposed to know what yes and no really means? If you wanted to do something else, you should have just said so. This is your fault AJ."

"Don’t blame this on me," AJ yelled angrily. "I didn’t want to come here, you did."

"All this because I wanted to come to this party? Because I didn’t want to sleep with you?"

"It’s not about sex," AJ screamed again. "God, you are so fucking immature, always thinking you know everything."

"I’m immature?" Lance’s voice was eerily calm.

"Yes. You clearly can’t handle a serious relationship. I mean, you’re still 14, what do you know about having a boyfriend and being mature."

Lance’s face went white and had AJ not been so mad, he would have realized how deeply he’d hurt Lance. Instead, he continued ranting.

"I think it’s time that we realize this isn’t working."

"It ..it’s not working?" Lance croaked sickly. He felt his stomach churning and his body was shaking. This conversation was not going at all like he’d planned. He'd expected AJ to yell but to come to that conclusion had never crossed his mind.

"No, I think that it’s best if we not be together."

"Umm.." Lance felt tears burn his eyes and he looked at AJ, pleading for him to change his mind. It was too late though, AJ could barely even look at him. His insides were burning and his heart was breaking.

AJ walked to the door and when Lance didn’t argue with his suggestion, he took it as compliance. It didn’t matter that Lance was a pale shade of green or that his body was trembling with the sobs that was wracking him, he opened the door and left the room feeling worse than he’d ever felt in his entire life.

AJ walked down the stairs and towards the kitchen. It was there he found Justin whose eyes were suspiciously red and his lip quivering. "Where ...where’s Lance?" Justin asked softly. He couldn’t find Nick and knew wherever AJ was, Lance was nearby.

"Upstairs, first door on the right." AJ said numbly. He walked to the table where Chris had just sat down next to Joey. Josh was on the end and they were all looking at each other sympathetically.

"You look like I feel," Chris said sourly. His head was pounding and for some reason he had this feeling of regret pooling in his stomach. At least he wasn’t the only one having a shitty evening, and by the looks of it, AJ’s night was turning out to be worse.

"How I look is nothing compared to what I feel," AJ admitted. In a moment of clarity, his words echoed in his head and he felt worse than he had moments ago. He had no idea how they were going to work this out. If they would work it out. For the first time in sixteen years, AJ felt truly alone and hopeless.

End Chapter 31


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