Title:Certainty Author:Jules - mailto:slash_me_baby@yahoo.com Part: 1 of 1 Pairing: Nick/Howie Rating:PG (for language) Feedback: Yes Please Disclaimer:I do not own either of these men. This is just fiction for entertainment purposes only Warning: angst warning Notes:I do not know Howie's favourite dinner/food. And I'm too lazy to go and research it. So I made due. Certainty by Jules He was certain that Nick was just using him as a rebound boy. He needed to get over Justin Timberlake and bad, so that's what he was. A rebound. A fling. Nothing significant except someone to bide the time until Nick and Justin got back together. Or Nick found someone new. Someone lasting. Hell, Nick and Justin had been together for nearly 6 years and no one thought that they would ever break up. That was love, everlasting love. It was the few days between Nick's 16th birthday and Justin's 15th that they got together and none of them could deny that it was fate. And for the next 5 years they were blissfully happy, fooling the media, management and most of all the fans. No one even had a clue what was going on. But then one night it ended and neither of them would say what had happened. Both made it clear that it was over, and this time for good. Calls from the other were not to be put through, although neither made an attempt to reach the other. It was painfully clear that no reconciliation was in the foreseeable future. Justin went his way and Nick went his. Nick started partying until all hours of the night and even went as far as getting arrested one night. But at no point was there anyone new to replace Justin. Until that one night Howie's doorbell rang, changing his life forever. And now, Howie was certain that he was Nick's rebound boy. He didn't know why he had that feeling, since Nick was constantly telling him the exact opposite. Four months had passed since that cold February night when Nick showed up on his porch asking with tear filled eyes and a lower lip that had been chewed nervously to be let in. He needed to talk. And talk they did. Nick wondered what was wrong with him. How someone could fall out of love with him after promising to be there until death. That someone could need the bed of someone else because he just wasn't enough for them. He wondered why he just wasn't good enough. And Howie cried alongside Nick feeling his heart break with each sob, each tear and each shattered dream coming from his best friend. But most of all he cried for the man that had no clue as to how much he was loved. That for so long he'd held inside the feelings he harboured for this man but never had the opportunity or courage to reveal. But once Nick's sobs subsided, when his body stopped trembling and allowed itself to simply shut down in his arms, Howie leaned down and softly kissed his temple, smoothing back his blonde hair. "It's going to be okay Nicky." He whispered against Nick's skin, holding back tears that he knew were still waiting to fall. "You think so D?" Nick's voice was soft and hoarse, evidence of his crying. "I know so Nicky." "How can you be so sure?" "Because I love you Nick and I'm not going to let anything happen to you. I'm going to remind you of just how beautiful you are and just how much you are loved. If I have to tell you this every day for the rest of my life, I will do that." He felt Nick stiffen in his arms and he held his breath, waiting for Nick's reaction. "What?" It was barely audible but Howie felt Nick's body move as he spoke. "I love you Nicky. I always have. Maybe I shouldn't have waited so long to tell you..." Howie jerked when Nick

		pulled his head out of his lap and sat up, turning to look him right in the eye. Blue eyes met brown and Howie felt his stomach churn nervously. "You love me?" The surprise in Nick's eyes, the shock on his face made Howie smile warmly, finding Nick's innocence endearing. "How could I not Nicky? You are so beautiful, inside and out. And I don't know what happened with Justin, but don't ever think that you're not enough for someone. Anyone would be lucky enough to have your heart, and if they don't realize just how special they are, then it's them that isn't good enough." Howie's hands cupped Nick's face gently and Nick smiled, leaning towards the older man. "Thank you D." Nick whispered before leaning in closer, pressing their lips together hesitantly. And Howie knew that it was wrong. Was certain that Nick was just acting out of gratitude and desperation, but he didn't care. It was something that he'd wanted for so long, certain that he would never get the chance again. So he let Nick kiss him. He let Nick lean him back and cover his body, his hands touching everywhere. He let Nick love him as he'd always pictured it, knowing that in the morning everything would be different. But it wasn't. When he finally woke up, Nick was wrapped around him tightly, holding on for dear life. When he tried to get up, Nick's eyes fluttered open, a smile covering his mouth. "Good morning D." "Morning Nicky." Howie replied, nervous as to what next. "I'm still here. I didn't go anywhere." And it was as if Nick could read his thoughts, knew exactly what he was thinking. "I want to be here. This wasn't just because of what you said. It happened because of who you are?" "What? You just wanted to have sex with a Backstreet Boy?" Howie couldn't help himself, the joke out before he could stop it. Nick laughed a hearty laugh, the first 'real' laugh he'd had in months and it was music to Howie's ears. "If that were the case D, I've had sex with a Backstreet Boy every day since I turned 13. Some days twice." Nick replied, making jerking motions with his hand. Both men laughed and Nick pulled him closer, indicating that he didn't want him to go anywhere. "No D. I meant I'm here because of you. Because ...because you're special too. And deep down I think I could love you too. I mean, I do love you. I always will, but I could fall in love with you Howard." Howie's breath got caught in his throat, that wasn't something he was expecting Nick to say. It wasn't even in the top 10 things he would have thought would come from Nick's mouth. But he decided not to think too much about that now. Nick was there in his bed, in his arms and he wasn't going to question what put him there and why he decided to stay. Every time Nick would touch him, would smile at him, Howie was certain that he was still using him to get over Justin. It never once crossed his mind that the smile was genuinely 100% love, for him. Although was certain that Nick was using him Howie figured Nick didn't realize that he was even doing it. Nick wasn't the type of person to intentionally hurt someone and for that reason Howie decided that he would allow it to happen. He would sacrifice himself for Nick's piece of mind. If Nick needed him around just to be reminded that he was loved by someone, that he was worth someone's love, Howie would do that. He shoved that nagging feeling that each day could be their last to the back of his head. It hurt too much to wonder every time Nick's cell rang if that was Justin, calling him to apologize. Howie found out one night why they had split up. It was something that he had guessed from the way Nick had talked that first night, but waited for confirmation from Nick's mouth to believe it. Justin had cheated on him. From what he'd been told, it wasn't just the one time either. It had been going on for nearly 6 months before Nick had found out, and when they confronted one another, Nick had said it was pretty messy. They'd both said quite a lot of things they didn't mean and although neither were certain when things began to get so bad between them, it was clear that their relationship was over. Where Justin had seen it coming for a while, Nick had been hit blindly, left only to react to everything that was being dumped on him. The entire time Howie was listening to the story he fought the urge to run over to Justin's house and kick the living shit out of him. And as much as Nick confessed that he would never take Justin back, that he could never love him again, Howie was certain that if faced with that opportunity, he would remember the love they once had and try to reconcile. They were each other's first loves. Nothing could compare to that. Justin was the first person Nick had loved with his entire heart mind and soul, and Howie was just the guy picking up the pieces. Now, four months after they'd gotten together Howie checked his shirt and pants in the floor length mirror in his hotel room he felt nervous and jittery, his hands trembling. Instead of going out with everyone else, he and Nick were going to stay in and celebrate their four month anniversary. He thought it was a silly thing to celebrate, but Nick insisted that four months was definitely a reason to celebrate. It was almost to 6 which was halfway to a year. And besides, one shouldn't question celebrations. Howie simply laughed and asked him what time he should go to Nick's room. "9pm. And don't come sooner. Not a minute early Howard, no excuses."

		There was something in the way Nick was adamant on no earlier than 9pm that alarmed Howie. It was as if he was hiding something, as if this was going to be the end. It was nearly nine and he was tired of waiting. He knew that Nick would be angry for not listening to him, but he needed to see the younger man, to make sure that everything was going to be all right. What could a few minutes hurt right? He thought to himself, walking down the hall to the room that he knew Nick was staying in. Now, the funny thing is that had he just waited for 9 like Nick had told him, he wouldn't have seen anything. The figure rushing from Nick's room would have safely made it to the stairs, scrambling to remain unseen, pants held up loosely with one hand with his shirt tucked under his other arm. Howie was certain that this was fate, and his position as 'rebound boy' was solidified. His job had been complete. He stood 20 feet from Nick's door, frozen and speechless. If you listened hard enough, you would be able to tell the exact second that his heart had shattered and his world had ended, tears building up in his chocolate brown eyes, waiting for the moment when they couldn't be supported any longer free to coarse down his cheeks. "Go now. He'll be here any minute and I swear, if Howie finds you here I'll kill you." Howie heard Nick's voice as the door had opened seconds before Justin scrambled out into the hall. "I love you baby, don't forget that." Justin mumbled as the door closed and hurried down the hall, not even stopping to see if anyone had seen him. When the heavy door leading to the stairs shut, it was the last straw, Howie's tears falling freely now, sobs overtaking his small frame. He had no idea how he made it to his room or how the people at front desk understood him enough to put a freeze on his line. He wanted to talk to no one. No one. He didn't care who they said they were or how urgent it was. It would have to wait until morning. If his heart was still intact by then. He made his way into the bedroom of his suite and buried himself under the covers, crying hysterically until finally exhaustion took over and he fell into a restless, dreamless sleep, hearing nothing until morning. Waking up, Howie was certain that death would be less painful. If he were dead, he wouldn't have this broken heart and headache. Both, his own fault. He knew he shouldn't have fallen in love with Nick. Given the younger man his heart. He knew that it wouldn't last, that Nick and Justin would find their way back to each other. And he knew what he was getting into, not caring that his own heart was on the line. But all those times Nick told him he loved him. All those times that Nick swore he could never be in a relationship with someone he didn't trust, and he sure as hell couldn't trust Justin. All those times Nick had soothed his fears and told him that he was falling in love with him and wanted to make 'this' work. What was that supposed to mean? Howie's head began to hurt again and he needed answers. He needed to know how Nick could hurt him like he'd been hurt. Why couldn't he just have been honest, telling Howie that their fling was now over and he had moved on? There was only one place to get those answers and Howie pulled on a new t shirt and pair of jeans, making his way to Kevin's room to get Nick's spare key. He knocked on the door, flinching when he saw the look of annoyance on Kevin's sleepy face. "What the fuck do you want at 8 am?" He asked furrowing his eyebrows. "I need Nick's spare key." "Why?" "What do you mean why? Just give it to me." All of the sadness and hopelessness Howie had been feeling was now moving towards that of anger and rage. It didn't matter that he'd known what he was getting himself into, Nick should never have treated him this way. He deserved better than that. And Nick deserved better than Justin. Judging from the look on Kevin's face, he must have realized just how serious he was. "Uhhh... Hold on a sec Howie." Kevin let the door close as he walked back into his room, emerging moments later with a swipe key. When he handed it over, he grabbed onto Howie's hand. "Everything okay?" This time his tone was softer, more concerned. "That's what I'm going to find out." Howie replied, leaving Kevin standing to watch his retreating back. He stopped outside of Nick's room, taking a few minutes to compose himself. He was now at a place in between hurt and angry, neither taking precedence over the other. With an unsteady hand, he swiped the card, watching the red light change to green. He pushed the door open and walked inside, his stomach churning. He felt as though he were going to throw up, but he knew this was necessary. Would Justin be there? Did Nick even try to get ahold of him? When Nick realized he wasn't coming, did he call Justin back and have a laugh at his expense? All of these questions played in his mind and Howie was certain that he would find the two of them curled together in Nick's bed, mouths upturned into smiles from the night of passionate love they'd had. As he walked into the part of the suite with the table, couch and television, Howie stopped abruptly. He saw the table set for an obvious dinner for two. There was a vase in the centre of the table, red roses standing

		proudly. There was one full place setting, the second missing the wine glass, which he noticed was sitting on the coffee table a few feet away. The confusing thing was that the dinner trays, one for each plate were still intact. Quietly he approached the table and lifted one off, finding an untouched meal underneath. Wild rice, steamed vegetables and steak. His favourite. Looking under the second lid he found gourmet pizza and a salad, also untouched. Ignoring the clinching feeling in his stomach, Howie refused to acknowledge that these were obviously his and Nick's favourite meals. Who knew, perhaps Justin loved steak, steamed vegetables and wild rice. This didn't mean anything. And the fact that it was untouched? Maybe they hadn't had time to eat dinner, their passion overwhelming them. He put the lids back onto the plates and walked towards Nick's bedroom, taking a deep breath. Now he was sure he was going to throw up, the anxiety too much for him to bear. Closing his eyes he slowly opened the door and walked in, shocked to find the room empty, the bed untouched. Clearly no one had slept in here, but that couldn't be. Howie was certain that Nick and Justin would be inside. As he turned around to walk back into the common room of the suite he jumped nearly 10 feet, a strangled cry escaping his lips. "Oh god..." "You're late." Nick mumbled miserably. Howie could see the puffiness of Nick's eyes, the misery that was etched into them. He watched as Nick attempted to sit up and fell back, his body unable to support itself. It was then he saw the two bottles of wine on the carpet, both empty and recognized the slur in Nick's voice. It was then that Howie realized that maybe he had been wrong all along. About everything. "What do you mean I'm late?" Howie said slowly, feet still rooted in place. "You were supposed to be here at 9 o'clock. Last night." Nick finally sat up and Howie watched as a wave of nausea passed across his face. Nick shut his eyes tightly and waited for the dizziness to subside. When he was okay he opened his eyes again and locked them firmly with Howie's. "It's morning. You're late." Howie couldn't find his voice, didn't know what to say. He never expected this. To find Nick drunk and obviously upset that he hadn't shown up. He honestly thought that Nick wouldn't even have noticed. That he would have been relieved. "I get it Howie. I do. This ...." Nick waved his arms around the room and nearly toppled over, righting himself before continuing. "This is getting old and boring for you. You don't want me anymore. You could have just said something instead of making me wait for you all night, wondering if you were going to show up." Howie was stunned as he watched Nick's eyes fill with tears. "I waited all fucking night wondering if you were going to show up. Didn't fall asleep in case you came and I didn't hear you. But you didn't come. You knew how special last night was for me and..." Nick's voice broke and he let out a sob before continuing, their gaze never faltering. "And you didn't come. You didn't care." And instantly Howie was blinded by the tears in his eyes, now flowing rapidly down his face. "But... I came..." He whispered, instantly at Nick's side. He reached a hand out to touch Nick and flinched as he moved away. "I was early ...couldn't wait to see you. I knew you'd be mad because you said 9 and not earlier... But I came down anyways." Howie began, his voice choppy from the tears and crying. Nick looked at him for a few minutes, as if judging whether to believe him. Howie kept talking, remembering the scene in the hall. "Go now. He'll be here any minute and I swear, if Howie finds you here I'll kill you." He recounted, mimicking Nick's voice perfectly except for the bitterness he added. He raised his eyes to meet Nick's. Nick's eyes were wide and his mouth was formed in a giant O of shock. "What?" Nick gasped, a look of pure terror on his face. "Now I know why I wasn't supposed to come down before 9. You didn't want me to see you with Justin. You didn't want me to see what a fool I'd been believing that you'd left him behind you for good. So I went back up to..." Howie stood up, a wave of nausea hitting him unable to finish his sentence. "Oh god... Oh god oh god oh god." Nick began to chant, rocking back and forth. A fresh wave of tears flooded over him and Howie stopped to look at him. "He wasn't supposed to be here. Came to talk to me. Wouldn't leave." Nick was talking in broken sentences, the alcohol making it difficult for Howie to understand him. "This wasn't all for him?" Howie asked, pointing to the table set up, the candles placed around the room. "You." Nick sobbed, starting to hyperventilate. "It was for you. It was for us." "Why?" "Because I love you. Because I'm in love with you and we lasted 4 months. When Justin and I got together we had talked about anniversaries and shit like that and I said that I think that if you can last 4 months it has the potential to last forever. For me, 4 months is the magic number, and we hit that last night." Howie watched as Nick's tears slowed and a sense of exhaustion set in.

		"But I saw Justin outside ...he was leaving your room and half dressed. He said he loved you and for you not to forget it." "He found out we're in town and came by. Wanted to get back together with me and said that he missed me. I think he knew that we were hitting the 4 month mark ...said something about you and how we'd never last. I don't know how he found out you and I are together but he said that it was time for me to quit pretending and realize that we're meant to be together. Begged and pleaded with me to give him another chance, said he'd make everything up to me. Blah fucking blah." Nick spoke as if he were remembering the conversation, the anger in his eyes and voice. As Howie watched him come back to the present, he saw desperation and sadness reclaim Nick's eyes. "I told him to leave and that you were on your way over. I was going to go and get something for you from the bedroom and he'd better be gone when I got back. Well when I got back he was naked on the couch, waiting for me. Said he was sure I'd missed the sex between us since we were always so fucking hot together. He tried to kiss me and when we were kissing, I realized I felt nothing. All I could think about was you and how you make me feel and I told him to get out. That's when I realized it was nearly 9." The more Nick talked, the clearer he became and Howie realized that he was quickly sobering up. Everything was taking it's toll on the younger man and he looked as if he were just going to give up. On everything. Howie walked back towards the couch and sat down on the edge, afraid to reach out for his lover. "And ...well I guess you saw him leaving. I'm sorry Howie." "I thought that you were using me to get over him. I thought I was your rebound. I was certain that one day you'd leave me." Howie's voice was low, full of emotion. "You were just waiting for me to walk out? To leave this behind?" Nick asked moving closer to Howie so that their thighs were touching. He couldn't answer, so Howie just nodded his head. "You thought I would do that to you? Play you like he played me?" Howie thought about that for a few minutes. In his heart he knew Nick wasn't that type of person, that he wouldn't take advantage of someone like that, especially someone he loved. "You didn't answer the phone. The front desk said that no one was to get through. Not even me." His face was a mask of hurt and Howie felt awful knowing he'd put that there. "And I came by your room, banged for about a half an hour but you didn't answer. Finally security had to come up and tell me to get back to my room before they called the police." "You came to my room?" Howie asked, tilting his head up so that his face was inches away from Nick's. Nick nodded, his eyes moving from Howie's eyes to his lips and then back up again. "I'd already had a bottle of wine... I was a little drunk. I think I was crying and sobbing against the door, banging on it from the floor. I don't know what I was shouting but I'm sure it was entertaining to say the least. They had to get Kevin to come up and get me, bring me back to my room." Nick looked almost embarrassed at that and Howie's pulse raced. He could feel Nick's breath on his lips. "I thought... I thought that you were leaving me for Justin. I didn't think you loved me ..." Nick shook his head, a small smile covering his lips. Goose bumps covered Howie's skin and he allowed a small smile as well. "Oh god Nicky. I'm so sorry. I should never have jumped to conclusions like that. I should have trusted you. I just..." Howie began, suddenly realizing just how much pain he'd put Nick through. "No Howie. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let him in when I saw him at my door. I should have called you immediately and had you come down. I just wanted everything to be perfect and I thought I could get rid of him and you'd never have known he was here." They sat, inches away from one another, breathing laboured and pulses racing. Neither knowing what to do or say next. "You did this all for me?" Howie asked, shyly just now the weight of what the night before had meant hitting him. Nick blushed, lowering his head. "Sorta." He lifted his head again so that their eyes could meet. Howie could tell that the alcohol hadn't entirely left Nick's system, but the look of pure disillusionment had left Nick's eyes, replaced with that of hope. "I love you. So much." He whispered, making Howie's heart soar. "I want this forever... And if not forever, than as long as you'll have it. Have me." It was then that Howie took a deep look into Nick's eyes and noticed something that he'd never seen before. The way that Nick looked at him. The way Nick looked at him like he was the only thing in the room, the only

		thing that mattered. It was the way he'd seen Nick watch Justin for 5 years, wishing it were him. It was the look of absolute love and adoration. And Nick was looking at him. Only him. "Oh god Nick. I've been so stupid. I've been acting as if each day may be the end, but really it's been the beginning. And I've.." Nick covered Howie's mouth with his own, tracing his bottom lip with his tongue. Moaning, Howie opened his mouth to allow for Nick's tongue to enter, stroking his tongue firmly. He allowed for himself to be gathered in Nick's strong arms, pressed securely against his broad chest and only then did Howie relax, realizing that Nick was where he wanted to be. And that was with him. "God I love you so much Howie." Nick breathed as they pulled apart, nuzzling his face into his neck. "Are you sure Nick?" Howie had to ask, needing to hear it confirmed. Just for his own piece of mind. "I'm certain baby." Finis