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Title: Like Sunshine, Like Rain, Like Dew, Like Stars Series: Weathering the Storm Author: Alicia Malone Feedback: mailto:alymalone@ureach.com Pairing: Howie/Nick Disclaimer: DEDICATION: To Silvia, cause everything I write, I pretty much write for her. To Jericho, cause I am *addicted* to her Howie slash. She's the whole reason I even *like* Howie. Mmm... hmm. To everyone who reads my stuff over in Nsync-Land. :) The difference, Howie supposed as he sat on the bus and stared out the window, watching
the day go by, was their age. He was older, more mature. He was settled in his life. Granted,
his life was a constant whirlwind - especially when they were on tour - but he didn't get caught
up in the intensity of *any* situation.
Nick could walk into a mass of screaming girls a normal person, and walk out hyper and bouncy
and then it would take Kevin or Brian three hours to calm him down, to keep him from bouncing
off the walls. Everything that happened made Nick feel *so* much, so many emotions. He felt
the extreme of everything, from the sheer adoration of a pretty girl to the stinging
disappointment of someone who wanted Justin Timberlake more.
And each girl would affect him differently. For hours after meeting the girl who wanted to be
Mrs. Carter more than anything in the world, Nick would float around the bus, sitting down next
to Howie, throwing himself over Howie's lap. He'd sigh, and wax lyrical about the shade of her
eyes, the color of her hair... the way she'd smile and a dimple would appear in her right
cheek... Nick spent those few moments with that lucky girl memorizingher every detail, so he
could commit it to memory and pull her face back out when he was having a bad day. He
proclaim he'd write a Grammy winning song for that girl, then be disappointed when he
couldn't remember her name.
That drove AJ crazy.
Howie didn't mind so much, because Nick used his body for something to lay on, something
to stretch on and look as seductive as he could, words about a girl he'd never meet again
tumbling from his lips. Nick always was over dramatic...
Howie *always* hated it when Nick came across the girl who compared him to Justin
Timberlake, then decided that Justin won. He'd sulk and whine and mope around the bus, curl
himself into a ball and decide that life just wasn't worth living because "I'm fat and ugly and no
one loves me and I don't even know why you bother to keep me in the group. I'm too young,
you could do so much more without me, and I think I should just quit the group and then I'll do
something useful, like slit my wrists."
AJ would roll his eyes and slap Nick upside the head. "Stop being such a fucking drama
queen. So the girl likes Nsync's whore better. Get over it."
Howie would lift his head and grin at Nick, who'd always turn to him at that point and wait for the
older man to berate his feelings. "I always thought Joey was the whore of the group," he'd
say. Nick always giggled about that, holding his hand over his mouth trying not to let the sound
escape, trying *not* to feel better. It never failed though - Nick always cheered up after that.
Howie never acted like that. Fans didn't go as crazy around him as they did around Nick, his
fans were a little calmer, a little sweeter, not so touchy-feely. Howie knew that he wasn't the
most popular Backstreet Boy, and that was ok with him. He was older - he'd gotten to his
point in life where he didn't let a fourteen year old decide his emotion for the night. He was
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able to walk away from a good experience with a fan and have a light spot in his heart and a smile on his face; just as he was able to walk away from a bad experience with a fan and have a bit of sadness in his heart and a soft sigh. But he didn't mope about it. He didn't let it bother him. He was the quiet one, he was the one who was least affected by any of the insanity that surrounded them - except perhaps AJ... but AJ was out there on a different plane all together. AJ was in it to sing, and for the shock value. He didn't give a shit either way, most of the time. Occasionally, AJ was in it for a piece of ass, but that wasn't Howie's concern. Sighing again, his fingertips brushing against the soft comforter his mother had gotten him for his birthday, Howie decided it was their age difference. That was what it *had* to be. That was why everything affected Nick *so* much and hardly affected him at all. *** Howie wished he could be like Nick at times. He wished he could feel everything so vividly, that he could experience *so* much out of life. Sometimes, watching as Nick bounced from one side of the bus to the other side of the bus, watching as Nick absorbed *everything*... sometimes, Howie thought he was missing something. The thing that Howie didn't realize was that Nick watched him too, wishing that he could be as laid back as Howie was. He was tired of everything affecting him *so* much, knocking his emotional balance out of whack. He wanted to be able to sit down in the corner and watch everyone with hooded eyes, instead of *feeling* everything, instead of having his emotions running wild. Sometimes he felt like he was PMSing. Unfortunately, AJ thought that too. Very loudly. He hated the way a girl would tell him something he didn't want to hear and it would make him spiral into depression. He always tried not to get depressed, but the voices in his head - those little condescending whispers - would get to him. 'You aren't as small as you used to be, Nicky... you aren't as popular as you used to be, Nick... you aren't the cutest anymore...' Sometimes, they made him want to scream and sob and pull his hair out in frustration. But then, when he felt his lowest and he *knew* he was going to fade away into oblivion, AJ would smack him upside the head, and Howie would offer a small smile. That's all it took, Howie's small smiles. They were like sunshine on Nick's dreary days. *** Nick found himself hovering near Howie, focusing all of his attention on watching the older man. He wanted to learn, he wanted to *be* Howie. He wanted to coast through life without anything affecting him. It didn't take long for Howie to notice. He wasn't used to being under a microscope - usually when there were prying eyes turned towards the group, Howie was the last one they studied. "What's on your mind, Nick?" he asked one day, not turning away from the 'fascinating' scenery of the pastures of Middle America. Nick settled down next to him, staring out the window, trying to see whatever it was that Howie saw, trying to see what made the man spend a great chunk of his day staring out the window. He fidgeted after a moment, not able to see anything exciting about a green field of pasture, dotted with black and white cows, and an occasional horse. "I wanna be like you." Surprise fluttered across Howie's face and he turned brown eyes towards Nick. "You want to be like me? Whatever on earth for?" he asked, trying to figure out the look behind Nick's big blue eyes. "Because you don't feel *anything*. I want that. I'm tired of being the Drama Queen. I'm tired of everything making me feel such *extremes*. I just... I want to be like you." "I feel things, Nick," Howie said softly, reaching out to brush his thumb against Nick's wrist. "I just don't react to them like you do. You are..." He faltered off, chewing on his bottom lip. "You're so concerned with everything, with what everyone says... if a girl loves you, it makes you giddy. If she doesn't, your life isn't worth crap. That's not... I mean, if someone loves you, Nick, it's not because they love *you*." He put his hand over Nick's heart and tapped his chest. "They don't know *you*. They don't know that sometimes late at night, you crawl in bed with me because you miss home and my long hair reminds you of your mother. They don't know that you have the coldest feet known to God, but the warmest body I've ever slept with. They don't know that your eyes light up when we get pictures back that we've taken on the road. They don't know these things about you, Nick. They love 'Nick Carter', the cutest |
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member of the Backstreet Boys. They know that your eyes are blue, your hair is blonde, and you love to sing." He shrugged. "So you're saying I shouldn't take everything everyone says to me so personally," Nick nodded his head. "It's one of the first lessons to learn as you're maturing." He laughed, shrugging. "And then, who knows. One day, you'll be fully matured -" He paused when he heard AJ laughing his ass off five feet away. He rolled his eyes. "Shut up, AJ. He will mature." "I will!" Nick said, sticking his tongue out at AJ. "I will be mature one day!" "Just not today, cutie," AJ snickered, standing up. "I'm gonna take a nap, since you two aren't being fun today. I'm not in the mood for a fix Nick's psychological problems day." He lifted his ever-present sunglasses and winked at Nick, then turned to walk back to the bunks. "Do I have psychological problems?" Nick asked, his voice turning into a whimper. "Nope," Howie said, his thumb moving up to brush against Nick's lips, attempting to brush his frown away. "You just take everything *so* personally, and AJ likes to fuck with you. You can't let him get to you." Nick sighed, curling into Howie's embrace. He reached up, twirling brown hair that fell over Howie's shoulders. He stared at the strands wrapped around his fingers, watching as they slid around, over and under, over and under. Howie had his arms wrapped around Nick, holding him tightly. "Will I ever be ok?" Nick asked, his voice small. Howie squeezed Nick tightly for a moment, then relaxed again, his arms loose around the blonde. "Yea, Nick, you'll be fine." He tilted his head down, offering a smile. Nick glanced up and caught Howie's smile, automatically feeling better. He smiled back... knowing deep in his heart that no matter what was wrong, all he had to do was to get Howie to give him a smile like sunshine. That would always fix everything wrong in Nick's world. |