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Title: Author: Feedback: Archive: Disclaimer: Notes: Dedication: No Questions Asked (Instant Pre-Play) There were times when Howie prayed for water, water to extinguish the flams building up
between himself and Nick. Howie was just tired and he couldn't live with those sparks, those
embers, those possibilities.
There were times when Howie prayed for kerosene.
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Howie wouldn't have thought there was room for two people on the landing, but he and Nick
comfortably sat, side by side, between the sixth and seventh stairs. Howie had a cup of
Mountain Dew in one hand and a stopwatch in the other.
"C'mon, Nick, it'll be educational!"
Nick laughed.
"You know I can't go twenty seconds without doing something stupid, why would you want to
time me?"
"To find out if it's twenty-one! Please, Nick, please?" Howie was pretty sure he couldn't make
his eyes any bigger than this. "I'll start timing right away, just do something dumb!"
"Now?"
"Now!"
"I can't do it, now that I'm supposed to."
"Really? I would have thought there was no end to your stupidity."
Nick swatted at Howie, who scooted back, laughing. Suddenly, he had slipped underneath
the railing. Howie felt himself begin to fall backwards.
With reflexes nobody would suspect on someone standing six-foot-two, Nick caught the
collar of Howie's shirt, saving his friend's spine from the cement floor of AJ's basement.
"You okay?"
Howie nodded.
In an effort to get Howie and himself back to their original positions, Nick sort of shuffled his
knees backwards. It was working pretty well, until his foot caught in his soda glass and it
toppled down the six stairs to the bottom.
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Short, shrill beeeep. Nick paid it no attention. There was Pepsi everywhere, and there were napkins just around the corner. He'd go and get some to clean it up, why wasn't Howie helping him? and no one would be any the worse. Nick stood up and somewhere between the bottom two steps, he slipped in the cola and landed square on his ((arse)). Howie grinned down at him. "Nick, that was kinda sad," he said. "I mean, seven-point-one? We all knew you were dumb, but..." Howie saw Nick hesitate to take his outstretched hand. He squatted down beside Nick. "Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have laughed at you getting hurt. I was just joking around." It sounded smarmy, but, "Forgive me?" "Well..." Nick looked up, their foreheads were a few inches from touching, "You'll have to get down on your knees and grovel but I think..." Nick's eyes sparkled. Howie was enchanted. --My God I could kiss him I could kiss him-- Howie didn't hear a word anyone said for the rest of the evening. --I could kiss him I could kiss Nick I could I could kiss-- -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- They joked about the fans, those over-concerned and "highly-perceptive" girls who had started formulating theories about their sex lives. They became more affectionate just to laugh at everyone who thought they were sleeping together. Howie thoroughly enjoyed the belly- laughs resulting from this and those never hurt. They never hurt at all. Until afterwards. He had taken to laying awake nights, consumed with wonder, because sometimes, it all felt too real. Howie had begun to think that if he kissed Nick, Nick would kiss him right back. Part of his mind jumped to dissuade him, but he really couldn't think of any reasons why Nick wouldn't. There was just the possibility, and that was enough to keep him from trying. True, bread was
substantial, but man needed other nourishments. He could stock up on those. Howie would
live on What it would be like to kiss Nick didn't bear thinking about. Howie knew it would be wonderful. But what about the afterglow? Assuming Nick didn't push him away, which he probably wouldn't do, although he had been known to throw diva-fits, one of them would eventually pull back. Eyes would open. Nick would see Howie in an entirely different light, and there was no guaranteeing that was something anyone wanted. Howie probably wouldn't be able to meet his gaze. At the most, Howie would murmur "Sorry sorry sorry," and run off, hoping Nick wouldn't follow him. Whether or not Nick would, Howie could draw no definite conclusions. He debated it with himself for long enough, before deeming debate unneccesary. This wasn't a plan, it was a daydream. And daydreams went anyway you wanted them to, didn't they? So the best-case scenario was on permanent playback in Howie's head and Nick kept kissing him back, no questions asked. Howie could live with the innuendo, the hope, and the disappointment. Howie didn't think he
could live with the rejection and the aftermath. In his head, he could keep on living in the
afterglow. It shouldn't have come as much of a surprise when Kevin sat Howie down and asked to have a talk with him. Maybe this had even entered Howie's daydreams, one of the ones where he and Nick had stopped kissing long enough to come out to the group as a couple. But when |
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Kevin wanted to talk about him and Nick, Howie went white. That didn't do anything to help him convince Kevin that nothing, nothing, nothing! had happened, and that the people who speculated were useless gossips who had nothing better to do with their time, but he was caught. He had fallen for Nick, and Kevin could see it. It was no relief to have somebody know, especially if somebody knew all wrong. Kevin wasn't an arsehole ((I gave up swearing for Lent, sue me.)), he was just worried about the groups image and Howie couldn't rightly say to him, "No, no, nothing's happened between me and Nick. We aren't like that. I just want us to be." That wasn't really a position Kevin could support. He had come to tell Howie that it wasn't good for him and Nick to be together. He hadn't expected that he would have to crush something that might not even be in the makings. "No, Kevin, we aren't going to be. We aren't doing anything, we never will, I just think we could. It's like, if I went and I--why wouldn't he kiss me back?" For the sake of the group, he wouldn't, Howard Dwaine Dorough. There was ice in Kevin's eyes and that did more than enough to douse the flames. Watching on a sort of instant pre-play, Howie was suddenly very, very glad he hadn't said a word of that. He promised Kevin he would be less affectionate with Nick, at least in public, so people would see that they were no more than close friends, brothers. Kevin, knowing that Howie couldn't lie worth shirt ((sorry)) and would keep his promise. Fewer hugs. Less touching. Infrequent arms around his shoulders. The tapes were getting worn down in all the wrong places. Colors were fading from the VHS. Howie needed Nick, and now he couldn't draw his dreams from reality. They changed, mixed, bubbled over into alternate universes that he could no longer control. But in each one, Nick kept kissing him back, no questions asked. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- That night, Howie woke with sweat-stained sheets, uncontrollable shivers, and a deep-set terror. He couldn't remember a thing about his dream, but was quite sure that God did not want him to pursue Nick. After this, whatever it was, Howie was quite sure he had no intention to do so. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- Re-examining it in the light of day, Howie could say that maybe it wasn't him and Nick that God was so strongly opposed to, it was Howie's thinking about nothing else. Howie knew that if he was going to center his life around one thing, it should be his religion. His
career, however, put him in no position to do that. So while God was more important than the
Backstreet Boys, they were the two biggest pieces of pie. Howie didn't want to write new songs, Howie didn't want to call his mother, Howie didn't want to go with AJ and see Black Hawk Down; Howie wanted to think about Nick. Howie wanted to wonder and guess: Does it hurt him to joke about loving me? Does he want more than he has? Does he stay up nights and think about me, too? It was pathetic, really. But nothing had really happened until his prayers started to take a new shape. He'd whisper the Our Father and the Hail Mary into the dark, ask for blessings on his family, hope the whole Nick thing would get sorted out, ask that God would please let him be with Nick, and then he'd be lost in another one of his fantasies. God did not think it was in Howie's best interest to moon over Nick. Howie would try not to. God thought there were other things Howie should do with his life. |
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Howie would do those things. So Howie wrote new song lyrics (about Nick) and called his mother just to talk (and tell her a funny story about Nick) and went with AJ to see Black Hawk Down. And when that guy was a blonde, in that other movie, he looked a lot like Nick. Howie wondered if Orlando Bloom would kiss him back. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- Okay, so maybe that wasn't what God meant. Howie couldn't forget Nick entirely. Nick was one of his best friends, and a co-worker, if you would. They lived in each other's pockets, and it had been that way for so long that Howie could deal with it completely. God didn't want Howie to actively pursue Nick. God wanted Howie to sit back, assess his situation, and wait. Either something would happen or something wouldn't. God knew Howie was mature enough to deal with the outcome, whatever situation He decided to place Howie in. Howie was ready to sit back, watch Nick, and wait. And wait. And wait. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- At first, it had been fifty-fifty, either/or. Something would happen. Something wouldn't. Something Howie could pull flowers apart to, if he wasn't so busy waiting. Waiting. It sure seemed he did a lot of that these days. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- When it happened, he guessed it was the only moment that had never crossed his mind, even as impossible. They were shooting their video, in front of an MTV cameraman, and Nick's arm was draped around Howie's shoulders. Nick finished saying whatever Nick was saying and summarily kissed Howie on the cheek. Howie's mind raced, and got quite winded, accounting for the furious blush that rushed his cheeks. When the cameraman had gone, Howie turned his face up to look at Nick. "What was that for?" Nick shrugged. "You know, nothing." Pause for the downbeat. "Oh. Okay." And Howie went up on his toes to kiss Nick right back. The director's voice, from due East, kept Howie from following up cheek with lips, but did nothing to break the moment. Nick sighed. "Make sure I see you later, alright?" "Okay." Howie agreed. Nick smiled and turned to leave, no questions asked. --Fin-- |