Title:"Love Is A Good Thing" 1/1 Author:NanoMilo Feedback:Sure--thanks! Email address: mailto:milo_hunt@yahoo.com Pairing:Name a Backstreet member... Date:July 26, 2002 Disclaimer:RPS (real people slash)--with no intent to offend or slander anyone. Total fiction--period. I earn no profit from this work. Archive:Let's talk about it. (Contact me.) Warnings: UNDERAGE. References to INCEST. SLASH. (Same-gender involvements.) Don't like--Don't read. Saccharine warning... Summary:AJ and Howie discuss AJ and Sarah entering relationship counseling... Note:Some flashbacks involved here... Dedication:To both my Dads and my new sister--who are fellow Backstreet fans. (And for helping me decide on my penname!) I love all of you. Beta:No--it's an Alpha. (Please feel free to point out my mistakes.) Love Is A Good Thing by NanoMilo AJ fumbled with the ashtray, pulling it closer to him. Howie glanced down and watched as AJ shook off a long ash from his cigarette. "Still not giving that up?" Howie asked, his voice more curious than judgmental. AJ laughed. "Well, it's one of my few remaining vices. I've decided that working on alcoholism, drug dependence and depression is about all I can manage right now." Howie grinned and nodded. "I see your point. I guess it can wait." AJ took a short drag and exhaled. "I'm cutting back, at least. Shit, sometimes Brian acts like I don't give a fuck." Howie didn't answer. "Anyway, so now it's leaked out that Sarah and I are seeing somebody." Howie leaned forward. "What's the problem, AJ? Or would you prefer not to talk about it?" AJ waved the cigarette, making a plume of blue smoke circle his head. "Hell, it's no big deal, really. After rehab, seeing a relationship counselor is nothing. But at least you know where I'm coming from here." Howie blinked. "How so?" AJ leaned back in his chair. "Well, I decided to be up front with Sarah. Share some past experiences." Howie pressed his lips together and stared into AJ's face. "That's not always a good idea, AJ." AJ emitted a short burst of wry laughter. "You're telling me. Fuck." Howie tilted his head. "What did you tell her?" "About Bri." "What about Brian?" "Come on, D. You're the one guy who can really get this. I know how it was with you and Kevin way back when. And I know that not very many people know about Bri and me. But you know. You knew back then." --- "Kevin, you want to go out tonight?" Howie asked, leaning with nonchalance against the doorframe. "You're dressed to kill, Howie," Kevin answered, gripping one of Howie's muscular shoulders. "I just thought you'd like..." Howie's voice trailed off, uncertain. "Sure. Why the hell not? I'm sure not hanging around here and watching Nick and my cousin play video games all night long. Or watching AJ sit and play with himself while he stares at dirty pictures in one of those

		magazines." "And drink," Howie added softly. "Okay, so he drinks. Do you blame him? He's lonely and homesick and bored. He's not old enough to go out with us. I'd drink, too, D." "He drinks too much for a kid." Kevin glanced away as he pulled off his shirt. "Nope. He doesn't drink that much. And he'll out grow it. I'm not buggin' him about it tonight, that's for damned sure." Howie shrugged as Kevin turned toward him while yanking on and buttoning a clean shirt. "I'm not saying you should, Kevin." Kevin sighed. "I know you're not. Sometimes I just feel responsible, Howie. For all of you." "You shouldn't. We're in this together." "But they're just kids, D. And I'm the oldest." Howie smiled. "Only by a few years, Kevin." Kevin tossed his head. "Hell, let's go. I need a drink and some fun. This really sucks, D. I can't wait to go back home. Don't worry your head about AJ. He's just passing the time. If he had a problem I'd take care of it. Howie was silent as they left the hotel. --- They headed out to a small club they'd frequented before. Soon they were drinking and laughing--enjoying themselves as well as they could on their small per diems. The night ended without either of them managing to find a willing partner. Howie and Kevin would frequently share a girl if only one of them got 'lucky.' Or if both of them found someone, then they'd often take both girls back to the room they shared and take turns having sex while the other watched. But tonight was a wash out. "Climb in here with me, Howie," Kevin ordered in a soft voice once they'd returned to their room and were ready for bed. Howie switched off the light and climbed wordlessly in beside Kevin, pressing his body toward Kevin's warmth. Kevin wrapped his long arms around Howie and hugged him tight. Soon they were kissing... --- The next morning Howie climbed out of bed feeling happier than he had in a long time. He let Kevin sleep, quietly using the bathroom and dressing. For some reason Howie decided to go and check on AJ. AJ held the door open a crack when he answered Howie's knock. "What?" "You wanna get some breakfast?" Howie asked, his voice friendly. AJ glanced behind him. "No. Not hungry." "Can I come in?" "No." "What's the matter with you?" Howie asked in an exasperated voice. "I'm busy," AJ replied softly.

		"Skip it then," Howie said, quickly turning and heading down the hall. AJ caught him a few steps later and swung him around. "Look, I'm sorry, Howie. I didn't mean to be a shit." AJ looked directly into Howie's face. His expression was pleading. "There's someone in the room, right?" AJ nodded. "Look, D., I'll tell you all about it later. Okay? I promise." Howie nodded. "Go ahead. It's fine. We'll talk later." But of course, they hadn't. --- Howie sat beside Nick Carter and watched the younger man cry. Nick was an emotional guy. He always had been. When Nick was sad or upset about something he'd cry. The tears would stream down his face. He'd sob so hard his body would shake. His nose would run. Often his face would turn bright red. Howie wasn't like that. He rarely cried in front of the other guys... "It's okay, Nick," he said in a soft voice. "It's okay. Bri won't change that much." "Don't lie to me," Nick managed to say between sobs. "You know things will never be the same again." Howie lamely patted one of Nick's large paws. "I'm sorry, Nick. I'm really sorry." But things had, of course, changed. And somehow as time passed, Nick had managed to survive Brian's marriage to Leighanne. But after all, they all loved Leighanne. She was close to everyone and always supportive and fun. Things were different with both Kevin and Brian married, but it wasn't as if they'd died or disappeared... --- Then one day Howie happened across a maudlin AJ McLean. "What is it, AJ?" Howie asked in an anxious voice, dropping to his knees beside his friend. AJ reeked of booze and was sitting in the corner of his hotel room, back to the wall, sobbing. "You know damned well," AJ answered. "It's just such a fucked up world." Howie lifted his hands and looked at AJ. "I've no idea what you mean?" "I remember the look on your face, D.," AJ said, "That day Kevin told us he and Kristin were engaged." Howie cocked his head. "So? What's your point?" AJ laughed, tears still streaming down his face. "I'm the odd man out, of course. It's always been you and Kevin and Nick and Brian. But even so, Rok managed to find some time for me. He made me feel better about things. About myself." Howie frowned. "I'm not getting this," he said. "Think back, Howie. I know you saw us together years ago. Back in Germany." "No," Howie said, shaking his head. "Bri wasn't always so adverse to cuddling with another guy. He used to snuggle with Nick all the time. And when Nick didn't need him, he'd snuggle me, too." "Snuggle? Was that all?" "Hardly. But that's beside the point now, isn't it? Bri's still my 'friend.' But there's no more bedtime fun. Used to be if I was drinking too much, Bri'd come knockin' at my door to check on me," AJ said, words slurred from drink and tears. "I always thought if I was in trouble, Brian would be there for me." "He is," Howie said firmly.

		"It's not the same," AJ replied, wiping his sleeve across his wet face. Howie wrapped his arms around AJ and hugged him tightly. "Don't do this, AJ. Please. I'm worried about you." "I'm worried about me, too." So Howie had stayed and rocked his friend and finally helped him to bed... --- Then later Howie had found himself drawn to Nick. They'd begun to hang out together after concerts, going clubbing and dancing while Brian turned in with Leighanne and Kevin with Kristin. And while AJ had gone off on his own. It had been fun to return in the wee hours of the morning to their hotel and decide which suite they'd share. It had been fun putting a CD in the player and turning up the volume and then lying in a tangle necking until they drifted off to sleep. --- "We've got to do something about AJ," Brian was saying, standing directly in front of Kevin. Kevin lifted his arms and then dropped them, his expression defeated. "What, exactly? Talkin' hasn't done it." Brian's expression was firm. "He's a menace to himself and a burden on this tour. This is work, here, guys." Nick rose and moved to a corner of the room. "He'll be okay, Brian," Nick said in an unconvincing tone. "Right," Brian replied, staring at Kevin. "What about those counselors we discussed?" Howie asked softly. "I'm getting them out here," Brian said, his voice hard. "And his mother needs to be here, too. I'm sick of this shit." Howie winced. Brian was rarely this angry and to-the-point. "You have a problem with that Howie?" Brian asked, turning toward him. They were face to face. "No, Brian. As a matter of fact, I agree with you. AJ's needed help for a long time now." Brian smiled at Howie. Howie couldn't help smiling back. The two men didn't frequently see eye to eye. "Thanks, Howie. I appreciate your support." "Brian, it's about AJ. And I'd support anything that got him help. And soon." "What about it, cuz?" Brian asked. Kevin rose. He was close to tears. "I've let him down. I've let you all down this year. You do what you think is best, Brian." --- Not long after, Kevin Richardson had finally lost his patience with AJ--and his temper. It had taken all of Howie's 'Mediator' skills--and Brian's calm support--to convince the hotel management not to evict them outright. Kevin was rife with guilt over his outburst--and with his impotence to change AJ's downward spiral. Nick was stunned and constantly on the verge of tears. Brian was stoic. Howie remained placid in the midst of group turmoil. And AJ entered rehab. -- "So you told her that you guys used to have sex?" Howie asked in a gentle voice.

		"Yeah. I told her. She didn't get it at all, of course. And she was all pissed off. Like I'd been keeping it from her. Fuck." "But it was ages ago!" Howie exclaimed softly. "Why is it such a big deal?" AJ barked laughter. "Not that long ago, Howie. Bri was pretty nice to me after rehab." "I had no idea." "Yeah, neither did Kevin 'til he caught us in the act. Man, his mouth was just hanging open and I think Brian said something about him catchin' flies in it." AJ laughed with remembrance. "And here I'd thought Kevin had known all along about Bri and me." "He never said anything to me about it one way or the other, AJ." "Well, it's weird, but that was some turning point for Kevin. He'd been all worrying and still freaky about me before that. Hell, he lost so fuckin' much weight last year you'd think it was him who was messed up. And that hair. Shit. Why would a guy as handsome as Kevin want to look like that? Man, it's beyond me." Howie nodded. "I didn't get that at all. But I think the worse you got, the more Kevin was looking for answers. Trying to seek something to help you--and him, too. Meditation and all that." They were both quiet. "Anyway, Brian and Kevin had some moment there. And now..." AJ made an obscene gesture with his hands. Howie grinned at him. "I didn't know you knew that. Nick doesn't." "The hell he doesn't, D. There's more to Nick's going solo than his ambition. He's jealous as hell of those two." "Are you?" Howie asked, watching AJ's face. "Naw. I thought I would be. I used to be jealous of Bri and Nick. But shit, D. I guess we all love each other. We're like our own little soap opera here. Fuck. I wish I could get Sarah to see how it is. We're just all part of the same... unit. Like if one of us is cut, we all bleed or something." Howie nodded. "That's a good explanation. But it just seems like a dirty joke to most people, AJ." "Fuck them. They don't know how much we care about each other. They don't know what we've shared. They've got no idea what all of this is like. They think it's glamorous. They think it's fun. One big party." "Hasn't a lot of it been fun? Exciting? Don't you like the attention? The money?" AJ sighed and flicked another ash from his cigarette. "Yeah, I'm not saying it's all been hard, D. I'd be bullshitting you if I tried that crap. But it's a lonely life a lot of the time. Even in the middle of a coliseum full of fans. And that's the truth." "You know what, AJ? It's lonely for a lot of people. And I think our fans do get it. Sometimes they're lonely, too. And they can share that with us. And sometimes hearing us sing makes them a little less lonely." AJ nodded. "Yeah, I guess that's true. Just like sometimes singing to them makes us feel less lonely." Howie rose and moved to sit on the arm of AJ's chair. He covered AJ's hand with his, forcing AJ to extinguish his cigarette. Then Howie took AJ's hand between his own and used it to draw AJ closer. They kissed, pressing their mouths hungrily together. "I love you, AJ," Howie said when they finally broke the kiss. "I love you, too, D." "I'd like to show you how much," Howie added, smiling into AJ's face. "I'd like that, too." "Good."

		They sat quietly looking into each other's faces. "I wonder if Sarah will ever get this?" AJ said, his tone worried. Howie gently kissed AJ's cheek. "Give her time, AJ. I have a hunch Kristin and Leighanne had to work it out in their heads at some point." "You think they know?" "Kristin has always known, AJ. She's been in the business herself forever--and she was with Kevin before Backstreet." "What about Leigh?" "She's smarter than all of us put together, AJ. Of course she knows. I don't think she'd let anything stand in the way of loving Brian." AJ nodded. "Like I know about you and Nick. And I don't care. I'd just like to be close to you anyway." Howie laughed. "Like you are with Brian?" "This sounds crazy. Wacky. Like some stupid TV show where all the characters bounce from one lover to the next." "AJ, we're a team. A family. And more. No one--even our spouses--can ever share what we've all shared together. Love is a good thing." AJ nodded. "Yeah, that's true." They were quiet for a few moments, both thinking. "Howie, you know what?" "What, AJ?" "Sex is a good thing, too." AJ rose and stood with his hand extended. Howie giggled and took AJ's hand, letting AJ lead him off to the bedroom... [the end]