Title: The Goodbye Series

Author: Kay

Pairing:Kevin / Nick

Feedback:Oh mama, YES! - mailto:jewel@zahav.net.il

Rating: Very much R-ish.

Disclaimer:Don't know them, never fucked them either (don't we all wish?), so get real!

©opyright:Kay, 2002 (Steal, & I'm sending Nsync to sing you to death!)

Note:Just read dammit!

The Goodbye Series
by Kay

Part 1: Goodbye

Song used: "Goodbye" (VanessaWilliams)

#~
Do we rally have to say goodbye ?
Look at your heart ache as you try to tell me
#~

"Damn this shit!"

Closing his eyes to hide the reflection he despises more than anything.

He was a traitor. A wimp. Weak. Afraid. And about to make the stupidest mistake of his life.

"I can't do this. Just... can't"

His heart longed to be loved again. His body ached for a touch. Histouch. His head screaming to just stop thinking and keep the "show" going. He had to do this. Had to move on. Build a future. Build a life.

Even if his heart was breaking. He had to move on. There's no way back now. He just wanted one last touch, one last kiss. One look at him. A picture to last for a lifetime. It had to... there's no other way to it.

He had to move past this.

Brian knocked on the door. Signaling to hurry himself.

Opening his eyes, he took last glimpse at his tired face. His "soon to be married" face. Thinking how sorry he felt for this reflection in the mirror, the person that looked so much like him. A person he hated the most.

He had to move on. No way back.

Deep sigh. Saying goodbye to all the memories, praying he wouldn't think of him again. It was breaking his heart to let go, he couldn't possibly live haunted by sweet memories of all the times with him.

"If it was just possible..." he blinked the tears away. "God," he hang his head, "let me get through this. But most of all..." he sighed, "end his misery. He doesn't deserve this. He never did"

Gathering himself, he smoothed his silk clothes.

"Now let's get this shit over with"

He headed for the door, finding Brian waiting for him. Together they marched to their places.

He had no choice. No way back... gotta start moving on.

"You okay Cus?"

"Just peachy Bri... Just... prefect"

No way back... no way back... to Nick.

#~
The love we made is not enough for you
You're walking away from all that we dreamed of
The things you say are leading to...
#~

He wanted to run away from there. All the people wishing him a happy and blessed future with Kristin. All the words he didn't want to hear, all the promises he made that he shouldn't have made. This was wrong. But it had to be done. This was his future. This was real. It should be the right choice.

Then how come he felt his heart breaking?

He couldn't stand it and excused himself to the bathroom. If he'd hear one more "Congratulation!" he'd shoot himself right there and then. What fucking congratulations? For what?

Splashing cool waters on his face, he let the liquid run down his chin. Eyes closed, head low. He was ashamed. A coward. He let him down. Deserted the one person that brought a smile to his face. The one person he loved more than life itself. The one person he longed to lose himself in, forever. Without a care in the world. The one person he could make love hours to. The one person that failed to show to his wedding.

"What was I thinking? That he'd show u and cheer me up?"

"I don't know what you were thinking..." Brian appeared out of nowhere, handing Kevin a paper towel. "Clean yourself will you?"

Grabbing the towel, he smiled. A fake smile, "What are you doing here?"

Leaning on to the wall, arms folded on his chest he said, "I could ask you the same think, you know"

"I don't need your shit right now"

"Not "my" shit... More like "your" shit, Cus"

"You gonna lecture me now Bri?" Kevin looked at him through the mirror. "Cuz I really don't need this right now"

"What do you need?"

"Don't ask me that. You wouldn't like the answer" He closed his eyes, shaking his head. "You really wouldn't"

"Let me guess," he pushed himself up from the wall, coming towards Kevin. He waited until Kevin turned around to face him before he went on, "How about Nick's lips on yours?" Seeing Kevin closing his eyes, he continued, "Hmm? Not good? Okay let me try another one. How about Nick's hands on your naked body? Or his fingers up you-"

"Will you stop?" Kevin snapped his eyes open, tears breaking free. "I have enough of this on my mind, I don't need you to remind me."

"Oh I think you do," Brian came closer, "I won't you to realize just what you did with you little "I do" back there," he pointed at the door, "cause I think you have absolutely no idea"

"Really?" Wiping his tears off his face, he was angry.. pissed, "Since you seem to full of yourself and stuffed yourself with some brains, why don't you tell me?"

"How about a broken heart to start with? And you can forget every looking at Nick again, because he's way gone buddy!"

"What?"

"Yeah, after out talk last night, he went away. God knows where"

"Your "talk" last night?" Kevin raised his eyebrows, "What talk?"

"He told me all you said, everything... I was there to listen, to comfort. But it wasn't my comfort he needed. Unless I could either turn back time or tell him it was all a fucking dream! Needless to say I could neither."

"Great, he ran to you!" Kevin threw his hands up, feeling a headache forming, "The little shit-"

Brian slapped him. "Watch your mouth, you freak! That "shit" loves your more than anything, I have no idea why... but he does, or did, or whatever. Now it's time for him to move on, I just hope he won't do something stupid because of you"

Running a hand through his hair Kevin sighed, "I hope so too Cus... I hope so too. Cause I'm not worth it!"

"Damn right you're not!"

#~
Goodbye.. goodbye
You made your mind up but your heart can't say it
Goodbye.. goodbye
Say anything but darling don't say goodbye
#~

He touched his face. Thinking how he never looked more beautiful. Right there, just like that. Naked... Sweaty... Begging for more. Begging for him. His dark hair lay freely on his face, moving as his heavy breath escaped his mouth. His eyes still close. Eyelids hiding the deepest green.

"Open your eyes Sexy" he whispered, watching as his lover slowly uncovered his eyes to him, trying to fix his gaze on him. Moving his hand that previously lay on Kevin's stomach, onto Kevin's face, caressing him slowly. "You're beautiful, you know that?"

"I'm only beautiful when I'm sweating after you've fucked the heck outta me, right?" he said with a devilish grin.

Nick paused for a second, thinking about what Kevin just said, hiding the grin.

"Now I'm insulted" Kevin laughed. "I was only kidding, but hey, if that's what you think, maybe I should take my naked ass out of your bed and walk outta here. Maybe it was all a mistake"

Smiling, Nick continued his caressing, moving it to Kevin's neck, "No it wasn't and you know. Just as much as you know I think you're beautiful at any time or place, you're just..." he titled his head, widening his smile, "extra beautiful after I've been inside you"

"Good save" Kevin laughed, catching Nick's hand, and brining it to his lips. "God I love your hands," he opened Nick's palm,pressing it against his own. "See? We fit perfectly"

Lowering his head, Nick kissed him, feeling like his tongue have a mind of it's own when it meets Kevin's. "I fuck you again"

"Demanding, aren't we?" Kevin grinned. "So... sexy"

"Oh you know you what a piece of the famous ass"

"What ass?" Kevin raised his eyebrows, quickly slapping Nick's ass, "this one?"

"Oh you're so gonna get it!"

"I can't hardly wait..." Dragging Nick on top of him, kissing the hell outta him, "Show me"

#~

"STOP! Just fucking stop!"

His fist connected with the seat. Passengers looked at him, God knows what they were thinking. Fuck them. Fuck everyone.

It's been a year. A whole fucking year. And he was still thinking about him. Still dreaming about his touch. Their nights together. It wasn't human to feel that way. It wasn't human to fall in love with someone that will never love you back. Kevin got married. He chose Kristin over him. He chose a girl over him. It was over, long over. But he just couldn't move on. Couldn't forget him.

He said he loved me, kissed me and got married. To someone else. How sick and twisted is that? What he fuck did I do that was so wrong that I had to fall in love with him and above all, having him lying to my face. "Love" my ass! He never loved me. You don't go off and fucking married someone else if you love someone. It wasn't right. Even Brian didn't get him. Nobody did. Why did he do it? Why did he hurt me so bad?

It's been a year now. He didn't see any of the guys. Talked to Brian a few times but that's it. he had to get away.. run away from him. He hurt him just too much, killed a piece of him that will never live again. They made

love. Not sex. Yes is was rough.. it was passionate.. but it was love. AT least he thought so. Until the night Kevin came over, face down, trails of dry tears on his cheeks. saying he's got something important to talk to him about. Telling him he's gonna married Kristin. What the fuck?The night before, they got home, fucked everything, from the stairs to the bedroom, the bathroom, the kitchen, the floor... and now he was telling him he's gonna marry someone else. Nick didn't understand, he was positive it was some sick sense of humor that Kevin decided to "grow" all of a sudden. But it wasn't. 2 weeks later he got married. But Nick wasn't gonna watch him saying his "I do" to someone else. So he ran away, tried to find a place that will keep Kevin away from him. Far away. Mexico didn't help. Italy didn't either. Fuck even Texas reminded him of Kevin. He couldn't keep the flashbacks out of his head. Times they shared. Times Kevin fooled him. Lied to him.

But it was time to come home. A year away didn't help... places reminded him of Kevin, beds and sheets that looked nothing like the ones the fucked on, still reminded him of Kevin. Guys with long hair, guys with black hair, guys with green eyes, fuck, guys with eyes at all reminded him of Kevin. It was hopeless. He gathered his things and headed home.

His Kevin said goodbye. His Kevin was not "his" anymore. It's time to move on. Kevin sure did... maybe he should find someone to marry also? That sure worked for Kevin. All he needed was to find some guy with long black hair, thick eyebrows, deep voice, green eyes, from Kentucky, slow talker who's name's Kevin... Any idea where to start looking for that one?

"Sir, we're approaching landing, put on your seatbelt, please"

#~
You wait at the door and turn 'round to see me
The look in your eyes says you really want to stay
#~

"It's good to have you back Nicky" Brian hugged him harder. "I missed you little bro"

"I missed you too Bri..."

Leading him to the couch, Brian signaled him to sit down. "How you doing?"

Leaning back on the couch, taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes. The smile left his tired face. "It's been a rough one"

"I can only imagine," he lay a comforting hand on Nick's shoulder and went on, "and right now? Is there any change in-"

Snapping his eyes open, he was pissed, "in what? How I feel?" he angrily got up from the couch, "No there isn't. My feelings are the same. Exactly the same and if possible, even deeper. I miss him, I ache for him, I need him and he fucking let me down. Bri he got married after fucking me. He got married to someone else... It's just so fucking unfair"

"I know, Nicky... I do... I understand"

"You couldn't possibly understand Bri. And I don't expect you to. Not until you'd fall in love, hide your feelings, thinking your a faggot for falling in love with a man, then accidentally letting your feeling take over and you kiss him, and he kisses you back. You couldn't understand after you'd have a secret relationship for almost a year, hiding your feelings from everyone else, just to get the privilege of getting back to his warm body, to lay naked in his arms and kiss him. And FUCK you couldn't understand until he'd live you and got married to some stupid ass bitch!" Tears ran freely now, he wasn't able to stop them.

"Nick I know-"

Stooping him mid sentence he wiped his eyes angrily, "No you don't know. I don't even know. All I know is that it hurts... it kills me." He sniffed loudly and turned to the door. Brian reminded him of Kevin far too much to linger there. I shouldn't have got back. This was a mistake. Just like all my entire life.

#~
And then we touch, your hands are a whisper
They tell my heart that you can't say
#~

"Just relax" he smoothed his skin, "I don't want to hurt you, Beautiful"

"You could never hurt me. I just want to feel you inside me, please Kev"

Not adding another word, he pushed himself into him, feeling Nick's tight hole. It felt incredible. Just perfect. He pushed in slowly til he was fully inside of him. "You okay baby?" Kevin searched Nick's face. "I hurt you,

didn't I?"

"No you didn't, you're perfect Kev," Nick slowly opened his eyes to look at the black haired God in front of him. His eyes looked deep into Kevin's green ones, his body feeling Kevin's cock deep inside of him and he wanted to stay that way forever. "Just start moving baby, let me feel you"

He moved in and out of him, feeling his body betraying his slow rhythm, begging him to quicken the pace. Losing control, he pushed deeper each time, pulling his cock almost all the way out and slamming back harder. Hearing Nick's breathings quickening, watching his head rocking from side to side, eyes closed.

"God Kev, touch me" He begged and sure enough felt Kevin's hand grabbing his hard cock and jerking him fast. "Oh baby... yes that's it. Fuck me like that" He moaned louder, feeling Kevin losing himself inside of him, slamming himself hard inside of him.

"Nick I'm almost there," Kevin pulled on Nick's hip harder, still jerking him with his hand, "Baby cum for me." He'd never forever the look on Nick's face in that second. He could never get enough of him. Seeing everything he felt mirroring right on his lovers face. God he loved him. More than anything. He just hoped Nick will understand.. he had to... But he wasn't gonna think about it now, not now. "Oh baby," he moaned out, feeling himself losing him deep inside of this beautiful man. His man. His lover.

#~
Goodbye.. goodbye
You made your mind up but your heart can't say it
Goodbye.. goodbye
Say anything but darling don't say goodbye
#~

He closed his eyes tight. Someone up there was cruel. How could he possibly move on when all he thought about Kevin? He was a fool. Fool for falling for him. Fool for wanting him. Fool forletting him get to him. Fool for falling for his lies. Fool for still wanting him and knowing he'd take him back in a heartbeat if he begged for him. It wasn't human to fall for someone like that. It never happened to him before. He never ached for a touch before. He never thought he'd need someone like he needs him. never thought he'd give himself so freely to someone. Asking nothing in return.

Maybe that was his mistake all along. He should've asked for something. A promise even. But he never thought he'd be fooled that way. Love someone so blindly and have it all smashed when he least expected it.

Fool... Such a fool.

#~

"I'm glad you came Nick," Leighanne hugged him, smiling. "Go ahead they are outside"

Mumbling a "thank you" along with small smile, he headed outside. "Hey guys" he said before throwing himself on the plastic chair.

"Hey Nicky, Good to see you man" AJ smiled, patting Nick shoulder. "How was your "trip"?"

A quick gaze to Brian's direction, noticing he shook his head, signaling AJ had no idea. He sighed, "Was good... Rough"

"Got yourself a girl?"

"I wasn't looking for one Bone. I just needed to relax and get my mind off some things" he grabbed the beer from the table, taking a big sip.

Aj nodded. Not knowing what to say next. Nick didn't want to talk about it, obviously, and God know he knew when to take hints. Something was wrong with him. Nobody just "leave" for a "trip". Probably some chick messed with him. That wimp.

"Hey Guys"

That voice. The accent. The God. Nick's eyes widened, looking straight at Brian. He was clueless also. Shaking his head slowly from side to side. Mouthing to Nick "I had no idea".

"Kev, it's about fucking time," Aj got up, hugging the older man. "I forgot to kick your ass Brian, you asked all 4 guys for a BBQ but forgot your Cus? What's up with that?"

Great. I should've known."I didn't forgetBone.. I just thought Kevin had better things to do, other than come for a BBQ, that's all"

Hands on his hips, he was pissed, "Like I don't?" he raised his eyebrows, sticking out of his shades. "And D doesn't either? What the fuck? I should just grab my shits and leave you right now. You said you wanted a nice quite BBQ with your "brothers". Since when Kev's out of the "familia"?"

"He's not. And you're welcome to go at any time. The door's that way," he pointed towards the house. "You did enough damage as it is" he whispered to himself.

"Oh thank you Bri. I feel so loved. Besides, we should've this BBQ for Nick, after he finally decided to join us"

Up until that moment, Kevin didn't even realize Nick was there. In a second his heartbeat quickened. Nick was there. Searching for the blonde hair, he found him o the far left, next to AJ's chair. He looked straight ahead. Knowing full well that Kevin's eyes were on him now. He could always tell. he looked tired. Tanned. Beautiful. His hair was a bit shorter and his arms featured new tattoos. God, he wanted him. Right there and then.

He could feel his on him. Trailing down his face and body. That fucker. He shouldn't look at him. he had no right. Not after what he did to him.

"Welcome back, Nick" Kevin whispered. Noticing the shiver that went through Nick's body when he spoke.

"Thanks" he still couldn't bring himself to look at him. Not now.

"Okay now, why don't we sit back and relax?" AJ throw himself next to Nick, dropping his shades on the table, "Leigh where's the food?"

#~
Oh baby with or without you
I'll always love what we both knew
#~

He leaned against the window, looking outside. God he was never more beautiful. His tanned arms folded on his chest. Totally distracted. God how he wanted to join Nick in his own little world. He couldn't take his eyes off him, kept on lurking his every move. AJ and Howie were long gone. Brian was helping Leigh in the kitchen for far too long.

"Nick"

He heard him. But somehow he couldn't react. Numb. God just make him go away.It was cruel enough to have him sitting less than 2 feet away. He was surprised that the "Mrs" failed to show up.

Kevin got up from the couch walking towards him. He touched his arm softly. "Nick..." his voice pleading.

Jerking his hand off, he turned around. Bad move.Their faces were so close to each other he could feel Kevin's breathing on his face. Walking away, far away, he said, "what do you want Kevin?"

"I want to talk"

"About what?"

"You... M-"

"Me?" he laughed, fake laugh. "Let's see.... Hmmm.. The trip was okay. I felt wonderful. Fucked and got fucked. Hmm... what else? I had the time of my life. Anything else you wanna know?"

"I wanted talking about that" he took a step closer, "It's not what I meant"

"No... but that's what you WANT to hear!"

"No it's not." he hang his head low, "I still love you"

Nick jerked his eyebrows up, "what?"

"I still love you" he repeated. "I do"

"Really?" He got closer to Kevin, grabbing his head, and slamming it down on Kevin's face, "then what the FUCK is THAT?" he was pissed. If Kevin said he's sorry for lying to him, he would've hurt him much less than saying he still love him. What the fuck was that game?

Dropping his head, lifelessly, he sighed loudly, "I can explain"

"No you can't." Nick shook his head, his eyes tearing up, "You see Kevin, you can say the "I can explain" excuse when you cheat on someone, when you fuck around, when you did something than can be fixed. Not after you get married!"

"You don't understand"

"Damn fucking straight I don't. I ran the last few nights in my head for God knows how long, I tried looking for signs that you were leaving me. Signs that I did something wrong... Was I supposed to take your "I love you" for "I'm leaving"? Or your "God, fuck me harder, Nick" as "We made a mistake, you fucked up, I'm gone"???"

"You think we were a mistake?" Kevin's eyes pleaded with Nick, "that's it?"

"Fuck Kevin!" He threw his hands up, "We were together for almost a year, 11 months to be exact. If I thought we were a mistake I'd walk out long ago"

"13 days" Kevin whispered.

"WHAT?"

"11 months and 13 days" he hang his head low.

"Great. I'm crying my ass off and you fucking calculating! Great Kevin!" he shook his head, "You know what? Fuck this! I don't need this shit!" He turned around and walked out the door.

Wiping his hands on the towel on his shoulder, Brian came into the room, "What the fuck is going on here?"

"Nothing Brian... Nothing at all"

#~
Don't say goodbye
Baby, let's talk about love
Let's talk about it now
Please baby, don't say
#~

Nick got home, throwing his stuff on the couch. He sighed loudly. What a day. Seeing Kevin for the first time after so long didn't help. His long hair was now shorter. He lost weight. Tiredness showed on his face. God, how he missed him. He wanted to kiss him from the first moment. But he couldn't. He wouldn't. It was over. And it was about fucking time to move on. Lost in his thoughts he heard the knock on the door. Getting up and opening the door, he saw Kevin there. Talk about taking the hint. He thought while shaking his head. "What do you want, Kevin? Haven't you cause enough damage already?"

"Trust me, I know exactly what I did. But we do need to talk" Nick looked at him, shook his head again and threw the door open. Kevin walked in, closing the door behind him. He sat next to Nick, but regretted it later, taking the place in front of Nick. "Listen..." he sighed loudly. Nick didn't say a thing. "You're not gonna make this easier on me, are you?"

"Any reason why I should?"

"No... no," he leaned back, staring at Nick. "I know what you must be thinking about me right now. And whatever it is you're thinking and cursing me up in this little head of yours, I probably deserve it. But you do need to know this. I never lied to you when I said I loved you. I never fooled you, not about that. I could never do that. And as a person that I can honestly say knows me inside out-"

Nick drew a sharp breath. Images popping in his head. God, did he ever.

"- Knows me best," Kevin corrected, he knew exactly what's happening in Nick's head, cause he was going through the same thing himself. "I know you know I couldn't just throw an "I love you" just to get laid. I would never do that. Gosh, not to you. Yes, things didn't play the way we wanted them to.. and I'm the one to blame about that, I know it. I can't really same much and frankly I don't think it'd do any good if I will... But I had to marry Kristin. I knew her for years and it was just time. I don't expect you to know or understand-"

"But I do" he cut him off, "Cause that how I felt about you." Nick looked at him with tears in his eyes. "I still do"

"Nick..." Kevin wanted to go to him, hug him, kiss him, comfort him. But he didn't. "I could forever beg you to forgive me, but I don't deserve your forgiveness. I'm all the things you think I am. A wimp. Coward. I know that. I just don't want you to think I fooled you when I said I loved you. I did. I still do"

"Then why did you marry her?" Nick choked on his tears, "why her?" He cry openly now, "why her and not... me? What does she have? What can she give you that I didn't? How does she make you feel that I didn't? If

you'd give me a chance and talked to me before, I would've changed, I would've done anything to keep you. I needed you close. How am I supposed to live like this?"

With that, Kevin went to Nick, hugging him, feeling Nick's tears through his cotton shirt. Smoothing his spiked hair, he whispered, "I didn't want you to change. I love you just the way you are"

"Then why?"

"I had to. Forgive me for being weak baby. But I had to. I'm sorry," he titled Nick's head so he could look in his eyes. "I do love you, God, so much more than I should. I know I let you down, but there was no other way. I had to," he caressed Nick's face, wiping the tears, he leaned forward, placing a soft kiss on Nick's lips. He lingered for awhile and pulled back. "I love you, remember that, always"

Kevin got up slowly, watching Nick's eyes following him. "That's it, huh?"

"I'm sorry my love," and he was. Sorry he was so weak. Sorry he wasn't so careful. Sorry he led the only one that matters down. He loved him like hell and he had no idea how to move on, but he had to. For Nick's sake. He just had to.

Kevin reached the door, feeling Nick's eyes on him. "Kevin?" He could barely hear Nick's voice. Turning around, he saw tears running down his face and the one thing he'd never forget, "I love you"

"I love you too. More than you'll ever know" And with that, we walked out of the door, leaving Nick behind. It was time to move on. At least pretend he did. For Nick's sake. For Nick's future. He could still taste Nick's lips on his. Looking down on his shirt, he saw the marks from his tears, Feeling his eyes watering, he got into the car, leaning his head on the wheel. God, just take care of him. Let him be happy. He deserves it.

It was time to move on. Time to get back to his wife. Wife.he never thought he'd have one. Not since he fell in love with a man. a Beautiful, big hearted man. He should go back to a husband, not a wife. But thing's went wrong. He was wrong. He could never tell Nick the real reason he married Kristin. Caged with shame and humiliation for letting Nick down, he started the car. It was time to move on. Time to say goodbye.

#~
Baby, let's talk about love
Without your love I can't go on
Without you.. Baby don't say
Goodbye.. goodbye
You made your mind up but your heart can't say it
Goodbye.. goodbye
Say anything but darling don't say goodbye
#~