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Title: Drop in the Ocean
Author: Loey - mailto:sweetie3307@yahoo.com
Website: http://www.geocities.com/fille_parisienne
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Not true, pure fiction. Title taken from Drop in the Ocean by Michelle Branch.
Notes:all lyrics used are from Michelle Branch's The Spirit Room, which I listened to on repeat when my
brain didn't want to write anymore.
Dedication: This is for Sunnie.
Drop In The Ocean
by Loey
You remember what it was like, falling in love.
It was everything you were trying to stay away from. The intensity, the need, the heartache. You had no
intention of falling, no intention of loving someone so much it hurt to breathe without them and you think
maybe that's why it happened. Because you fell in love when you least expected it, when you were still trying
to figure out who you were, amid thousands of screaming girls who didn't speak English and fame you were't
quite prepared for.
Kevin came into your life when you were thirteen--oily skinned, shy and utterly naive. You looked up to him
from the start. He was almost a sort of enigma to you. You came from two separate worlds. At twenty-one, he
was a lifetime away from you. As the oldest of five kids, you were used to being the big brother and you
thought at first that your feelings toward Kevin were the novelty of finally having a big brother who looked out
for you. But maybe that wasn't it. Because you discovered in the first month of the Backstreet Boys that
nobody pissed you off like Kevin did. It was almost like he did it on purpose. Because of the eight years
between you, Kevin took the responsibility of riding you for every little thing. Chew with your mouth closed,
Nick; you spin on five-six-seven Nick; rehearsal starts at eight, not eight forty-five, Nick.It was hard not to take
it personally when it felt like you could never do anything right when it came to him. It wasn't until right after
your sixteenth birthday when you came with your hand down your pants and an image of Kevin flashing
behind your closed eyes that you realized maybe something was going on.
You'd known you were gay since you were twelve. The day you figured it out, you freaked and locked
yourself in your room for three days, thumbing through Playboys and Victoria's Secret catalogs, trying to feel
something for the naked women staring back at you. You'd been secretly questioning yourself for a while,
but it hadn't hit you until you bombed the Mickey Mouse Club audition. You were more upset about not
getting to be around that cute Jason guy with the floppy hair and big brown eyes than the whole following
your dream thing. You called Howie later, when your eyes were red with lack of sleep and your hair clung to
your forehead in greasy clumps. You hadn't known him very long, but he was the one person you knew who
wouldn't laugh at you, or tell you it was just a phase. It helped that Howie had been out since he was thirteen
and knew better than anyone what you were going through.
So it wasn't a shock that you liked guys. It was the possibility that you might like Kevinthat freaked you out.
The morning after you figured it out, you slumped out of the hotel down to the van for an appearance at a
German television show. When Kevin got in and sat down next to you, draping a loose arm over the back of
your seat, your stomach dropped down to your toes and you could hear your heart beating in your ears.
"You all right, Nick?" Kevin asked.
You swallowed and nodded. "Fine," you managed. Your hands were sweating. You wiped them on your
jeans and tried to relax a bit. You were sure Kevin could tell.
But Kevin just glanced over at you, an eyebrow arched. "You sure?"
"Yeah, Kev. I'm good. Promise." You pressed your cheek against the cool glass of the window and tried to
convince yourself you were.
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